Meh.

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."~ The Velveteen Rabbit

It's that time again...

Why is it that I get borderline suicidal at this time of year?
Seriously...for the last four years I've started to go a bit crazy around mid November to early February time.
I really don't want to be at uni anymore. OK so this is something I say every year but it's a lot stronger this time around. I don't write anymore aside from this lame excuse for a blog and have the lecturers from hell which just DO NOT help. There's Simon, the rudest - and yet dullest - man in the universe with nose hair resembling something out of Day of the Triffids and Ian, who means well but his lectures are hard to stay awake in the majority of the time (at least he's helpful when you need him though). It's more than just annoyance with Simon; he actually makes me feel physically sick whenever he's too near me. It's not the slight cloud of stale cigarette smoke that seems to follow him around, the crooked yellow and black teeth or the faint aroma of hard liquor that does it...it's just something about him. After years and years worth of therapy, my aversion to people - especially men - has more or less diminished, but he seems to bring all those horrible frightened feelings back and I can't bare to be in the same room as him. My skin crawls and, last lesson, I actually felt like I was going to cry the closer he stood near me.
I know it's my final year and all that jib-jab, but I honestly have no idea what I'm doing in that place anymore and as for classmates...I feel more distant than ever.

Then there's work of course: Lush...my dream job...my dream job that has so far gone completely tits-up.
I sometimes feel like I'd rather be employed to suck off David Hasselhoff than have to fake smile and act chirpy all the way through an 8 hour shift just to get my boss get off my back about the whole "I'm watching you...you may loose your job" shit. I love most of the customers that come in and have a laugh with my workmates, but he makes me feel like the most useless person on the shop floor...I'm still not properly till and gift trained (I have brought this up many times, but sod all gets done!!!).

There's a whole heap of family crap and Emma crap going on too (I'm not going to bother boring you with that again) and it's just making me feel like I want to hurl myself off a bridge.

I should be happy by now: 5 years of therapy to get rid of the ghosts and learn the social skills I severely lacked, loving parents, a fair education, a boyfriend, good friends, a job...something just isn't right. People aspire to this...I've got it but it's just not doing anything.
I tried to speak to Ben about things yesterday. I got tearful and told him how I feel; that I can't stand life right now. He went through the usual motions: stopped me before I got into uncomfortable territory, gave a hug, did silly things to try and make me laugh. It didn't work very well, so he got to his last resort - sex if you're interested - and it all helped for an hour or so but I still felt crap in the long run. He listens but never seems to understand. I told him how I've been feeling about classes with Simon, and how I either can't go in the room or can't stay a full lesson and his response was "It's not hard...just keep your bum on the seat and you won't walk out." and "It's probably work stress flowing into other things."

I sometimes feel like I should go back into therapy. Originally they were going to cart me off to some other place where I'd be taught how to live a happy-ish, solitary life (learn how to enjoy my own company, work from home, deal with strangers who need to check meters etc) because apparently everything else the world throws will probably be too much for me to take, but I turned it down in the hope of changing myself. Doesn't seem to really be working anymore.

I don't really know what this blog is about...the ramblings of a woman left on her own to dwell on things in a post-coital train wreck?
I don't even know if what I've said makes sense. I don't even think I as a person make sense.

I suppose the bottom line of all this is that I'm depressed, lonely and in need of at least 10 years worth of sleep.
If you've read any of this shit then you truly are a trooper.


As is customary on this blog, I'm going to leave you with a song. They usually have nothing to do with what I've posted about and are just things I've fancied listening to on ze old iPod.

Another one bites he dust...

One of the girls I work with, Alice, has been fired.
I just found out about it this afternoon: she went in for her early morning shift and was told by the manager that she no longer has a job.
Of course we're now all shitting ourselves because she was actually good at her job yet has been made redundant anyway. I'm doubly scared for myself because I've already been shortlisted for the sack once already and I'm not as strong an employee as some of the others. I have this horrible fear of going in for my shift on Sunday only to be told I'm no longer needed (apron handed over, glitter brushed away, badge torn off military style etc).
It's gotten all of us down because we were all just starting to gel together as a group yet keep having people taken out of it.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

So...

I'm keeping my job for time being.
My manager asked my why I've been acting strange around him and that I constantly look wary or upset when he looks at me.
Firstly I explained that my natural stance is grumpy, so he's gotten off lightly with that, secondly I said that I've felt like crap since he told me he was thinking about giving me the sack last weekend. He just said "If I was gonna fire you then I'd have done it by now."

I can't help thinking that he really is just a bit of a tit.

Aside from that, work wasn't too bad today. Dan put me on gift box duty for a little while because I apparently get more sales than the others when it comes to those things. It's pretty much been a 7 hour shift of dancing, running around with face masks on, dropping soap, pretending that we were all part of some kind of crazy love hexagon (which confused the flip out of my managers).
My cousins came into the shop earlier but didn't stay long because of the smell. Meh to them.

Yesterday was a bit horrible.
It's my monthly 7 days of painful psycho-bitchness and Ben came to visit me. He bought me a litre bottle of Baileys to cheer me up but I still ended up treating him like shit. I couldn't stop snapping at him and spent an hour just refusing to speak to him for no reason at all. Fuck knows how or even why he stayed here after that treatment, but I starting crying, saying that I was sorry for being a bitch, and I got a hug and a "I know it's not really you being an evil moo...don't worry about it."
I find me so irritating...why the hell has he put up with it for almost 3 years...seriously...

I'm feeling a bit less miserable in myself today. I just wish I could explain the bruises I'm still finding...I must be beating the crap out of myself when I'm asleep or something. I've got a massive one on my hip, another on my thigh, my arms are covered...it's so annoying.
People keep telling me I've lost weight as well, but I just don't see it. Ok, so my jeans no longer fit me, I'm having to make extra holes in my belt and my shirts are baggy but I feel like such a lump. I just can't see it myself...It must be true but I wish I could actually tell.
Wardy commented on it the other day and I actually can't stand it when people tell me that...I just feel like I'm being stared at all the time. My family do it to me a lot; whenever I get smaller or bigger they just have to let me know about it...I'm like a reality diet show.
I got upset about it and bitched to Ben. He never says anything like that to me, and when I bitch he just says that he notices but really doesn't care cos I'm apparently "damn sexy whatever!". Suppose that's nice...I just wish other people would see that and leave me alone.

Ahh well. I'm going to see Stephen Lynch with the uni loons tomorrow, so that should be awesome.

Todays mantra...

Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.

I actually had an ok day today.

I got up at half 5 and got ready to start my half 7 shift at work. I really wasn't looking forward to going in. I got about an hours sleep the whole night and my pinny was still damp because I'm not allowed to put the radiators on. I didn't have time for tea or breakfast, but I did have time to swig from a bottle of vodka I've got in the kitchen.
Got lost trying to figure out what entrance I had to go to in order to get in the centre, but managed to work it out and was 5 minutes early in the end.

I found another girl I work with, Grace, waiting on the sofas outside the shop so we sat there for a bit singing songs about gerbils (I don't know why). My supervisor, Dallas, opened up the shop and we wandered in to check the stock, stack the shelves and sing along badly to Pink. After that it was mopping up the floors, making sure we had chocolate Santas wrapped up for customers and putting ice in the table for the fresh face masks to sit out on.
Not long after we opened up, my manager sent me on an errand...I had to wander around the centre trying to find somewhere that sold a collinder and a watering can. That took nearly an hour. I want back and said there was no way in hell I'd be able to find a watering can in a big posh shopping centre...so he sent me out and about around the shops to find them instead. That took another hour and I LOVED IT!!! I wasn't stuck in that damn stuffy shop, I got to prove I was trustworthy and I could sneak off to find something to eat as well since I didn't have time for breakfast.
He was happy with the watering can I eventually found in Morrisons. It's actually quite cute and dainty for a £2.49 plastic thing. I also found out that my crazy shop errand had a good reason behind it; it's so we can do demos of the emotibombs in store.
After that it was just me and two other girls doing dances and singing badly to old Motown hits. We had a nice stream of customers through and I MADE SURE that my manager saw me going up and speaking to people, especially after all that bollocks last week about me just faffing about and not speaking to customers. I even made a sale that actually got him to say well done to me...a lady from a TV company came in needing gift boxes for 6 people she worked with to film a documentary about anorexia as a thank you present to them. That was almost £50 for the shop when our average customer spend is £16. I got a lady new to Lush who only wanted a bath bomb to completely change her ideas about major brand shampoos and buy £40 worth of haircare.
Another lady came in who hadn't been to Lush in over 3 years, so I took her around the whole shop showing her loads of new things as well as running around trying to find her old favourites (or at least some alternatives). Plus everyone I helped said thank you to me as they left the shop.
See...if that's me being an incompetent worker, then what the hell is a competent one supposed to do?
I'm not back until Saturday now.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. After uni *grrrrrr* I get to chill out in a bath then spend the evening with Ben. Can finally get my hug.
I'm REALLY looking forward to Friday because I have nothing to do. I can laze about in my house and randomly fall asleep in stupid places.

Treated myself today.

I'm so fed up of feeling like crap that I decided to hit the shops and buy a few things today.
I was going to go first thing this morning so I'd have a whole day to look around but, after yet another night of no sleep at all, I ended up crawling into my parents bed once the plasterer had arrived to fix my wall and crashed out for an hour or so.

I didn't go too far but I bought a few goodies.
I went to La Senza and picked up some new undies which are rather fabulous (I think everyone knows by now that the majority of my money goes on underwear, socks, things for sexy time and haircare).
I then went into Lush and bought a load of things in there before I get the sack and have to wave goodbye to my 50% discount. I was greeted by my supervisor, Vicki J, who ran up to me yelling "DUUUUUDDDDEEE!" before giving me the biggest bear hug ever. She then wandered around the shop with me to have a chat and a nosy at what I was buying. One of my managers, Emma, joined in but another of the 3, Tom, didn't say anything...he just gave me a sad look before walking into the back room.
I spent £23 (so that's £46 worth of stuff really) on:
-Big shampoo
-Ocean salt face scrub
-Baby face solid cleanser
-The big tease hair gel (which I'm annoyed about 'cos I actually wanted King of the Mods but no one stacked the shelves properly).
-A sex bomb bath ballistic
-A Chocolate Santa bath ballistic
For mum:
-Rehab shampoo
-Coolulin conditioner

I used my stuff once I got in, just to pamper myself a little bit and stop this living dead look I've got going on right now and I'm VERY impressed! Baby face got rid of so much gunk off my face you'd have thought I'd never washed it before, Ocean salt made my skin feel like it was burning off but made it look very bright and Big shampoo has made my hair AMAZING!!! I put my hair through hell with straighteners, hair dye, styling products, it being pulled about and just general stress causing it to go horrible, but it's left it so shiny I'm sure you could see your reflection in it and so soft that I dare not go near Abi anytime soon with her hair stroking ways...

I'm pleased with that and I look a bit better but still feel awful.
The being sick thing is still happening (too much information but never mind), I'm not sleeping at all at night regardless of what I take to help me, I have a constant headache and I'm worrying myself over a bunch of bruises, burns and scratches that I can't explain. I hate not being able to remember where they've all come from. My arms are covered in them, my hip is purple, I have a massive bruise on my stomach, scratches on my lower back, burns on my hands. I don't like the idea of being so numb that I don't feel them happening. I can't even blame work because I've not been there since Saturday and these are fresh marks on me.

I'm really hoping I can get some sleep tonight because I have to be up at half 5 to get ready for work at half 7. I have to help with the morning stock take then do my usual shop floor crap from 9 until half 2.

I can't be arsed. All I really want to do is lay in the dark and hope no one bothers me. Or just lay there and hug Ben. I really do need that. He's the only person who hugs me these days.