Saturday, 25 April 2009


The Mister's sister had her baby yesterday morning.

Everyone is chuffed, she is absolutely adorable and Mister has gone completely goo-goo in the head about being an uncle. He's going to spoil that kid rotten, I can see it.
I spent the evening with him yesterday and he wouldn't shut up. Not that I mind in the slightest; it's cute to see him like this. Was weird when I said "Congratulations, Uncle!" and he said "And to you, Auntie!"
I just asked "Really?" and got an eye roll and a "duh" back at me before we ran into the cinema because we were late to see the film we were there for.

I haven't met her yet but I'm looking forward to it once Mister-Sister is back home and settled down a little bit.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Damn this portfolio.

I'm having so much trouble getting the stories for my portfolio finished.
I start them then get so stuck and frustrated that I give up.

I do love my crazy old characters, I just wish I could finish off their situations.

I picked a really tricky subject to write about.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009



All I do is sit on my own all day with nothing to do.
I'm literally bored to tears. I don't have anywhere to go and no sod to go anywhere with.
I'm stuck inside the house all day waiting around for Dad's deliveries while hoping and praying to whatever the hell might be out there that someone has maybe said hello to me on facebook or something.

Why has life gotten this shit and this lonely?
It was bad and lacking in people anyway but now it's gotten to a breaking point.
I don't know what to do with myself and the people who are "supposed" to care are never fucking there!

The only time I ever look forward to is bed time. At least then I can sleep some hours away.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Still the same.

I feel no better about anything from yesterday and, just to make it even more grrrrr, I've been itching to write but nothing is coming out. It's like mental constipation or know it's there but it ain't moving no matter how much you clench.

I've been looking at jobs today and they all bore the feck out of me. Half the writing jobs want experience or a degree already classified and I can do neither.
Experience isn't too difficult and I already know a couple of legit websites and magazines to get work in but I have no ideas at all. I wonder if there's a cure out there for blockage of the brain bowels?
I then had a look at college courses just so I could faff about until I found my true calling but there was no such luck on that front either.

Life just doesn't feel like anything right now.
I'm not trying to be all "woe is me" and depressing because I don't feel depressed or low or even a bit down, I just feel like life is slowing to a stop and I'm more confused than anything.
I'm also questioning things: my relationships with people (one in particular), things I think I can do now, whether I should say things to certain people and if I should up sticks and escape from everything. Say my farewells then start again somewhere new.

I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going or even where I'd quite fancy ending up.

Right now I've been focusing on other people to take my mind of choices I have to make.
I've been an agony aunt to pretty much everyone in my life these past few weeks.
It's Mum I'm keeping my attention focused on right now. She's just been diagnosed with Bells palsy so Dad and I are keeping things in check and making sure she takes her meds etc etc.

Maybe it's time I sought out an agony aunt once again?

Saturday, 11 April 2009

I feel miserable.

What with never going out, not having people to talk to, feeling completely overshadowed and having my hormones fucked with yet again I just feel like crap.

I don't actually know what to do anymore.
Life seems pointless right now.

Friday, 10 April 2009

Crappy few days.

I have had such a shit time.
I didn't lose Emz in the end but she's giving speaking to me a rest for a little bit as she got that pissed off with me and The Mister. What's so frustrating is that the guy who brought about this situation in the first place, Suspence from the band, is the one she's not mad at for some reason.

To clear what happened up a bit...

Emz had been calling me before 7 in the morning pretty much every day of the week ranting and raving about things going on with her. She woke me up at stupid times, interrupted my coursework, ate into any time I managed to finally get to be by myself with no work. I felt stupidly tired and because I worry about her so much I get stupidly stressed out. The Mister turned up just as I was saying goodbye after a 3 hour long phone conversation then asked what happened. Rather than hold my tongue like I should have done, I blurted what the conversation was about in an angry shouty type way. I know I shouldn't have done that and her business is her business but the phone calls mounted up and so did my work.
Trusting The Mister as much as I do - well, did anyway - I thought nothing of it after blurting things. He doesn't know Emz that well and no one he knows speaks to her and he's not not a spiteful person so I had no fear of him saying anything (especially due to the nature of it...I won't go into that though).

Now here comes the pissy part.
For some reason Emz and Suspence started talking to each other over Facebook and she started to hang out with him. Whilst they sat about together, Emz basically told Sus almost everything about her situation that she told me. The problem with Suspence is he has a VERY big mouth and no understanding of what the line is and the point in which you cross it.

While Mister and Suspence were on their way to a gig, Sus brought the subject of Emz up and asked Mister if I ever told him anything about her. This lead on to Sus mentioning things but not explaining and trying to get Mister to finish his sentences. If it wasn't that then he was asking if he knew about certain things but not saying exactly what. Eventually he managed to egg Mister on to spill everything I blurted out a few days before plus more via phone conversations he had overheard between us. This carried on again during their studio session where Suspence brought her up in conversation again.
The Mister recons he said it all because he didn't think it was so bad to talk about it if someone else knew too and had no idea Suspence was like...well...see for yourself...

Suspence then relayed all of this to Emz making out that Mister started the conversations and that I apparently sit there and tell him everything about her all the time and "we have a laugh" about it.
I then get a VERY ANGRY phone call her morning after the last conversation took place with Emz screaming at me for telling Mister something and making her out to be a tart and that Mister will probably have told the whole group by now etc

In 11 years she has never spoken to me in a tone like that.

I needed to find out what the hell had happened so I called The Mister straight after I got off the phone to her and calmly tried to get answers. I asked why he decided to tell Suspence something that he didn't need to know, why he would tell someone with such a big mouth anyway if he absolutely couldn't keep it in for whatever stupid reason and if he really just has no regard for mine, or more importantly Emz's, feelings.
That was when he told me what Suspence had done in order to get the info out of him in the first place (I believe Mister over Sus simply because he doesn't lie...I've known him for three years and he's honest to the point of being painfully blunt a lot of the time). I started crying and said that this has probably damaged mine and Emz's relationship beyond repair and that I don't think I can trust him for a long while after this because it's not the first time he's said something he shouldn't to the wrong person (I can cope with that when it's about me but not the people I love). He made the mistake of saying "things said in couples should stay within the couple" and that pretty much made me explode because he hadn't followed that at all yet sounded almost like he was preaching it.
He called Suspence straight after I hung up on him and said that he needs to tell Emz's that he's not guilt free in the whole situation (I'm sure you can guess, everything was on me and The Mister at this point). He said that because of all the stirring Emz and I were probably finished and that he and I were either going to be finished or completely fucked up thanks to him and he needs to admit that he blurted out everything she confided in him to Mister and the other band members who were also present (apparently Mister wouldn't answer things in front of everyone).
Suspence sent me a message on Facebook to say sorry about not thinking but I told him where to go.

A few hours later I got a call back from Emz who said that Suspence called her to say he had his part in it but still blamed Mister for bringing everything up. Mist then yelled at him again and Sus FINALLY admitted that it was mostly him.

It's mostly sorted now.
I refuse to speak to Suspence for as long as possible.
Emz and I are still friends but having some space and she feels she can't trust me.
The Mister and I are going to have a talk because I feel like I can't trust him properly now.
He is no longer speaking to Sus unless he has to because of band things.
Emz is still hanging out with Sus and telling him things, so I sent him a simple message saying that he's in deep shit if I ever find out he's blabbed her business ever again to anyone.

As for me I'm just not going to blurt ever again.
I have a paper diary I'm going to offload on from now on. I'm not someone who divulges peoples secrets I just said things I shouldn't out of being angry and feeling like I have no one to speak to myself.

This has been one big mess and I very nearly lost two people I love more than anything because of it.
No matter how much I replay everything in my head, Suspence seems to always come off as the one who completely knew what he was doing.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

*is angry*

You know what?
I can't trust anyone anymore.
From now on I'm just not going to bother telling people anything important. It just turns into complete shit.

I think I've lost Emma for good now.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Damn Glasses!

My pretty new glasses have to go back because there has a been a fat cock-up with them.
My vision is worse with them on than without.
I picked them up on Saturday and have been wearing them around the house as I was told by the dude in the store but everything STILL looks like it's sloping and I can't focus on words properly. I really have given them a chance but it's just not happening.
Mum is coming with me tomorrow to talk to them about what the hell I need to do. A re-test was mentioned when I was there because I complained about the problem straight off. My main concern is extra charges...if they do that to me then I'll flip.

This has all just been a big pain because I need them. My eyes a fudged.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

So what's going on with me?

I haven't really written anything properly for a while so I suppose it's time to splurge my brain out.

I bought myself a new pair of glasses.
I got them last week after I saw a sign saying "FREE EYE TEST TODAY ONLY!" outside of Specsavers. We had to go in there anyway because my baby cousin crushed her older brother's glasses and we all went in after we'd finished in Aroma to get them fixed.
We were standing around trying on glasses and I found a pair that I actually liked so I got the test done and bought them (£118 with my student discount).
I have to wear glasses most, if not all, of the time now. My eye test showed that I have an astigmatism in my left eye and that's the reason why it's much more crappy than the other eye. It could also be the reason why I get so many headaches.
I'm waiting for them to call me back today as to whether they'll be ready to pick up this afternoon.
They're rather snazzy and have no frame so to speak, just the arms and the bit for the bridge of the nose which are coloured light purple.

The Mister is on the mend!
He's still not himself but he's brighter than he was before so it seems. His knee is also getting there as well. He's still on the pain killers but needs them much less frequently now so it's simply a case of waiting the last little bits of pain out.
He's staying over at mine tomorrow as well which I've been looking forward to since it was suggested. Aside from around 3 hours at his gig the week before last, he and I haven't spent any proper time together in nearly 3 weeks.
I actually need to see for myself that his knee is getting better because what he says and what is actually going on are two different things sometimes.

I FINALLY have a new phone!
My old Sony Ericsson K810i was dying a grim death. It couldn't hold a signal for calls, it kept switching itself off, messages took forever to get through and it made people sound like Daleks a lot of the time.
My parents bought me a Sony Ericsson C902 as an early graduation pressie and I'm well chuffed with it. I made a call on it earlier and the Specsavers lady sounded crystal clear and at no point was I awaiting the yell of "EXTERMINATE!"

I've spent the last three days cleaning my bedroom. I threw away loads of old clothes, I pulled out all the furniture and steam cleaned the floor, I scrubbed the windows, turned the mattress and now I'm shattered. That was so much work but it does feel a lot better in here I can breathe.

Uni is over now.
I had my very last class on Tuesday and that's it. I handed my BOW work in, had a drink with Radish, Sake and Rubarb then went to get bored for a few hours.
I was going to stick around for another drink when the class had ended but I had the overwhelming urge to just run out of that place as soon as possible and go home for a snooze.
All I have left to do is my work for FaIF and my essay for Children's lit then it's twiddle thumbs time until graduation day.

Something odd happened the other day. Well, odd for me anyway.
My Mum came to me asking for contraception advice!
To put this into a little perspective...she and I don't talk about things like this. We never have done and I was under the assumption that we never would. I learnt about sex from J17 and Bliss magazines when I was growing up, or from crappy school classes where we had to wear am empathy belly whilst being told sex was bad and babies would destroy us all.
The most I've ever said to her is "Mum, I'm going on the pill...if my moods go iffy then tell me." and that's been it.
She's been trying to talk to me for a few weeks apparently but I had no clue. On our way back from my grandparents house the other day, whilst we were both walking the dog, she just asked "What's the name of the pill you're on?"
So I told her and then she goes "My doctor is trying to get me on the same one but I'm worried about it."
What followed was a loooonnnnggg talk about things that could happen on it, side effects I'm going through myself, how effective it is, what to look out for. She asked me for leaflets if I had any because there were two other things they recommended to her and if I would mind her seeing my pack to note the size of them.
After all that she just went "I'm glad I could talk to someone," then smiled and said "want a cuppa?"
I always assumed situations like this went the other way around.

Specsavers haven't called me back.
I might ring them again and nag a weenie bit. I don't mean to be a pain but I want my glasses.

Thursday, 2 April 2009


The end bit has made me feel very odd.