Friday, 27 February 2009
I feel like Stomp are doing a performance in my head whilst Jamie Oliver goes at my throat with a cheese grater but I don't want to be stuck indoors on a Friday night.
My main motivation? To annoy the boyfriend.
We haven't seen each other in two weeks and the original plan was to spend today chilling out together (either going out or staying in...we'd sort that out in a spontaneous and groovy kind of way). This was the plan at the start of the week...
Now, however, he has abruptly changed things and is going out with his friends down the pub instead. I got a phone call saying "Oh, you can come if you fancy."
I AM NOT A HAPPY WOMAN RIGHT NOW!
So, yeah, I am going out...his friends invited me out to some pub next door to the one he's going to be at. Two can play that fucking game.
It annoys me so much when he does this yet, when I bring it up, he never sorts it out.
I think I'm a little hormonal right now.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
It's only been two weeks...I'm pathetic.
Shutting myself away from the world to do uni work never used to be this difficult.
Anyway, the plan I posted a couple of days ago was never followed (as is the fashion with me).
I did manage to get my analysis for Children's lit over and done with although I think I'm in shit because I couldn't find ANYTHING in terms of secondary material to back up what I had found. Bollocks.
Two people have finally gotten back to me about email interviews for my Business of Writing class, so I was practically skipping when I saw my inbox last night. One is with Laura Godman, Cliterature editor of Scarlet magazine, and the other is this guy called James who works for a company that aims to "bring back the short story in all its glory!"
I'm excited about the answers from Laura...Scarlet is my favourite magazine and I slipped some questions in that aren't to do with my work but what I really want to know.
James' answers will be awesome as well I'm hoping, considering he can help me get to the root of my essay question and he just seems really friendly.
So I can write those two into my portfolio that I plan to hand in later today and via the Clegg's damn Internet submission thing then crack on with Leone's homework.
Tomorrow I have a tutorial with the Clegg, which should only take 5/10 minutes, then I'm off with Manda and whoever else can make it to TGIF for a drink and hopefully some lunch.
Speaking of lunch, I'm so sick of how hungry my new pill is making me.
You wouldn't think of it to look at me, but I actually don't eat that much and I'm pretty healthy with my choices most of the time (apart from when my Mister is around. He seems to have a phobia of green leafy stuff). I've had to buy in loads of things to snack on when the hunger starts to make me feel sick.
That's been about the only think driving me mad with it so far though, so touch wood I'll be able to stay on it without going nuts like the last time. I don't want to be a crying, shouting, bleeding, untouchable mess again. It's been a week and none of that has happened yet.
I need to get back to my work.
Monday, 23 February 2009
I need to get out of this damn house and to a place other than uni.
I'll take my analysis work with me and do it there over a mug of hot chocolate and a panini (yes, I know I'm on a diet, but this pill is making me stupidly hungry!).
The idea of hanging out in the library has died out, simply because I have no idea what I'm looking for in terms of secondary material for this essay thingy. The lecturer said it's about our interpretation anyway...to be honest I just don't care anymore either way.
So, yes, I'm going to dry my hair then get sickeningly fatter in a cosy cafe.
Good day x
Saturday, 21 February 2009
I've got two deadlines next week: one close analysis and one interim portfolio piece of shit thing.
As well as that I have reading to do and a few bits of homework for Leone.
So here's what I'm doing...
-Email more people for BOW and HOPE TO SOMETHING that I get a reply.
-Sit my arse down and analyse my chosen chapter of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night time. Start it (I did the weird angry delete thing again yesterday and lost it all).
- Write up some of close analysis (just have to get a book to add some secondary sources).
- Start interim portfolio (focusing on proposal idea)
-Go to library and grab secondary source material to quickly add a couple of quotes.
-Final edit of close analysis
-Continue portfolio (focusing on essay question).
- Mad morning edit of analysis then hand in before class starts at 2
-Get home and start Leone's "homework pack."
-Carry on with portfolio work
-Possibly go out for a break.
-More portfolio work (hopefully to the point where I've finished and can submit).
-Tutorial with the Clegg.
-More of Leone's homework.
-FaIF class until 12.
-Go home and collapse.
Right. Now I've sent that plan out into the universe it probably wont happen in that way at all.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Oh no no, I can't be having this. I lost a load just before Christmas because of how much I was running around under the hot lights at Lush, but I've managed to gain that back and more. The nurse was really nice about it - for a bloody change - and just said that it's an after Christmas thing and most patients she has seen have gone up by at least 2kg (I've gone up by bloody 6kg though). The good news is that my blood pressure has gone from being weirdly high to pretty much normal. The nurse was very impressed and just reckons I suffer from 'White coat syndrome' (meaning that the blood pressure only goes up because of the fact that I'm in a hospital and nervous).
I'm going to jump back on the healthy horse which means no more pizza, cake or alcohol when I'm at uni...no matter how much Radish nags and pulls faces at me!
No more drinking stupid amounts of wine by myself anymore and no more snacking on complete crap. I went shopping with Mum earlier and bought myself some fruit, some healthier option rice crisps, bran flakes, salads and cranberry juice. As well as that I bought in some healthier southern fried chicken chunks for Monday when I see The Mister because he's partly the cause of the extra weight. When he's around I'm lazy and end up eating the junk he buys for us, but I've bought some low in everything oven chips and chicken with a coating that's better for us. He won't even be able to tell the difference I can guarantee it.
I'm not 100% sure what to do in order to exercise more. I already walk a lot...all I can think of it upping how long I do that for and maybe trying to find a hill to get my heart rate going a bit. The nurse jokingly suggested jumping The Mister more often, but that's impossible given the whole annoying fact that we only see each other once a week because of our schedules.
The Cerazette has a common side effect of weight gain, so I really want to be able to control things a little bit more. I do feel more satisfied with the answers I was given about my weight having influence on how effective it'll be though. The nurse said that it should work absolutely fine because it's stronger than other brands of mini-pill.
My body is a twat as well. I was under the assumption that I'd have at least another week before I had to start my pill but the lady pains came this morning. I've had no time to build up the will to want to take the damn thing.
I swear it did that on purpose!!!
Er...other things anyway...
It's a book I'm reading at the moment after so many people told me it would be worth it. I'm slightly disappointed to be honest. The protagonist, Helen, doesn't shock or repulse me in any way, I just find her boring and a bit spoilt. You don't get a proper sense of who she is and why she does things aside from little tricks every now and again to try and get her divorced parents in her hospital room at the same time to try and get the family back together. Everything else she does I simply don't get.
I've not finished it yet but I'm sure I'll still feel the same at the end unless there's some kind of drastic twist. It's not up there with the likes of Greer or Ballard like the cover suggests. I might pass it on to someone else...or let The Mister read it just to creep him out.
I STILL don't understand BOW. I'm sick of this now because I've read the module booklet but am very lost. I've no idea what Clegg the peg is doing. I don't know what's happening with tutorials and don't know what we're supposed to give her...something about our portfolio or something. I'm clueless. I'm going to fail really, aren't I?
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
I can't even bring myself to go into a store at the moment (which is crap because I've only got one Sex bomb left).
What else is happening in the world of me anyway...
Some of you will groan at me and call me a crazy lady, but I have decided that I'm probably going to go back on the pill next week. Yeah, I'm a complete glutton for punishment and it'll probably do me no good but I can't live with the panic anymore.
I'm going to book an appointment at my clinic and talk to them about the mini pill they gave me back in September. I want a proper answer - in a weaker accent so I can understand what was said - as to whether Cerazette is effective enough to take given my size. The doctor tried giving me a prescription of two mini pills a day instead of one last time I was there, but she made me so nervous I just took Cerazette and walked out. I need to understand things more before I put any more crap into my body. I kept saying I was going to go on the implant, but I think I'm saving that as a last resort simply because it's a little bit more tricky to stop once I've started. If I'm taking pills then at least I can just stop if I don't like it. Implanon has to be cut out of your arm.
Right, what else?
Ah, uni stuff. I got my provisional results from last semester.
I managed to get 60% for Developing the Novel and 59% for Postmodern Plunder. Can't say I'm best pleased with what I've gotten so far this year but at least I passed. Hopefully I'll get better grades in Children's lit and FaIF so I can pull up my overall percentage. I really want to graduate with a 2:1, but I'm not set to do so if I follow this trend. I think I'm just going to completely flop BOW...I don't understand the class at all. Liz, the lecturer, is an arse head!
I might actually give myself a day off uni today so I can get cracking on my close reading essay for lit (I've not read the book she set. I did try but I just couldn't get my head into it). I'm not feeling well anyway, keep feeling like I need to be sick and am stupidly tired, so a little break might be nice. Not a break from work, just from the stuffy classroom.
In fact I think that's my best bet for today...
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Well, alright, last year was nice too but yesterday was nice in a surprise type of way.
I met my Mister outside the station at 2 and he took me shopping. I mean REALLY took me shopping...wherever I wanted to go and whatever I fancied having he'd buy. That did make me feel a bit weird - especially since I couldn't afford anything for him this year - but when I called him crazy and said he didn't have to do all this he just told me to hush, said "love is a form of madness", then started pointing out shops saying "Perfume...how about that?", "What about a ring or a necklace or something?", "Bras? I'll brave La Senza.", "Do you want shoes? I KNOW you like shoes."
It carried on in that fashion for a little while until I got confused and didn't have a clue what I wanted so we walked to Marks & Spencer where he bought strawberries and chocolate saying "I'm not telling you why, just go with it."
Eventually, we found ourselves in HMV and he got me a £25 iTunes voucher, Ross Noble DVDS and Mighty Boosh DVDs. He tried to buy me the whole Friends box set but I ran off to the tills yelling "eennnnoooouuuuuugggggghhhh!!!" at that point because it was getting too crazy.
I managed to drag him out of the shopping centre completely after a small hissy-fit of "But I've not hit the minimum of what I was going to spend on you..." and we got the bus to Sainsbury's. We picked up some glasses, a bag of ice, something for lunch and he bought two MASSIVE cakes to share with my family who were staying over at mine.
I'm sure you can guess what the glasses and ice were for. He bought a bottle of pink champagne for us - refusing to let me see the receipt after I went to pick it up from the floor - and the strawberries were to put in the glasses (as well as to melt chocolate onto and munch).
We sat around with my family for a little while with The Mister talking to my new uncle about guitars and playing on the PS3 with my little cousin for a while. I nattered with my mum and aunt for a while (which led to signing Morning has broken...I dunno). After that, The Mister and I went back into my room to start on the champagne and watch the Boosh.
I don't remember too much after that. I know that we didn't go to bed properly until about 3 but it's a pink blur after that (damn you gorgeous alcohol!).
We woke up at around 11 and realised we had the house to ourselves (family had gone to catch their flight and my parents had gone to take my uncle out), so we took advantage of the situation before he had to leave and meet a couple of his friends. I'd be fuming about him having to leave so early, but he did a lot for me yesterday and we're spending the whole of tomorrow together because it's half term.
Not bad for two people who don't really like Valentines day. Lol.
I really do need to sleep now.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Meh, I already knew that!!!
Stupid clinic....at least I can start the process of getting an implant fitted now.
I'm seriously trying to work out what to take to Leone for my tutorial tomorrow afternoon.
I haven't really written anything other than homework task stories and I'm not proud of any of those. I like the idea of writing something in a stream-of-consciousness because it's interesting to get a rush of thoughts about something written down as opposed to carefully crafted words and sentences. That's not to say I wont sit there and edit everything until I think it's just about passable, I just like the idea of it looking like a rush of thoughts gradually changing and shortening.
Another idea I had was a blog-style story. Because it's "innovative form" I could actually give in a blog page...no idea what of, but a blog page none the less. Diaries aren't written in books much anymore. I like the idea of push button publishing that most people can read as the idea of a diary (something previously hailed as something no one else should ever read but the owner). Again, with diaries, you don't have to follow a proper form, nor do you have to stay on point.
I dunno...I'm so stuck.
I'm going to eat something then finish off my wine. Lets see if that can't help stir up something in my head.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Anyway, this blog is to post something that is currently a craze on Facebook.
It's called '25 things' and you basically post 25 random facts about yourself then tag people to fill it out too.
Now, I did do this on Facebook but I seriously had to wrack my brains as to what I could write because I have friends and family on there who I'd rather not share some things with (mostly because they're vile but that's another story...).
On my blog I pretty much say whatever the hell I want, so here is my uncensored version:
1)I'm obsessed with buying bath and body stuff. I've got about a million different hand creams, body lotions, shampoos, massage bars, foot creams, cuticle butters, bath bombs, bubble bath, soaps, facial scrubs and cleansers. I'm still trying to find the ones that finally make me beautiful.
2)I LOVE dragons and anything to do with them. I know they're not real, and a little part of my soul dies every time I have to think about that.
3)I was a Christian up until I was 15 years old. I started to waver off when I was 16 and decided I believed none of it anymore when I was 17.
4)I very rarely fancy people or get crushes. I'm just not interested the majority of the time...you have to be pretty damn special to get my attention.
6)I'm 22 yet still afraid of the dark. Not being able to see anything freaks me out.
7)I've been bisexual since I was about 14. I ignored what I felt because my crazy head thought God was testing me and the feelings would stop. They never did but I'm happy for that.
8)I don't think anyone quite understands how much I miss my nan. I still deeply regret not spending a few weeks that summer with her because I was "too busy" with something else (nothing).
9)The only time I really bother cleaning is when I know my boyfriend is visiting.
10)The only reason I went to university was to build up my confidence enough to survive outside and not break down again. I never expected to do very well or make any friends.
11)Losing so many people from my past has really upset me.
12)Sometimes I feel guilty for not reading the set texts uni gives us...especially because I can speed read so it wouldn't even take me very long. I just can't be arsed.
13)I lost my virginity not long after I turned 21. When I tell most people this I get the strangest responses, but when they tell me how old they were and how it happened I know I can grin because my 'de-flowering' wasn't a desperate rush or a big mistake.
14)I love tea and hot chocolate more than any other drinks. If those were all I needed to survive then I would do so quite happily.
15)If things had gone better when I was at secondary school then I highly doubt I'd have any mental issues (or at least not to this extent)...
16)...but without those crap experiences and this weird thing taking over my brain then I don't think I'd have turned out a very nice person.
17)My boyfriend and I don't really do the Valentines thing. On principal I should be perfectly fine with this - I know it's a money grabbing day - but part of me really wishes he'd at least pick out a card.
18)I blame my uncle Johnny for my complete avoidance of horror films. Letting a 3 year old see zombies eating people isn't a very smart move...
19)I can't stand pictures of myself. Any of them. I think my face looks absolutely disgusting.
20)I love corsets. I think they're the most beautiful looking thing a person can wear.
21)I'm not ashamed to admit that I love sex and happily buy things to enhance the experience.
22)I'd love to be able to take the comedy writing course I went on during my gap year again. I never said a word to anyone in that class or shared ideas...I just wasn't confident enough. I know I could do it now and probably get a lot more from the lessons.
23)I'm one of those weird people who craves salad and carrots more than chocolate and cheese.
24)I like my boobs and bum. Apparently that's a bad thing because I'm fat.
25)For the longest time I thought Bowie was actually singing "Hazy cosmic chives" in Starman.
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
I would have walked to Frobel for one from their coffee shop - deep, intoxicating, velvet textured chocolate topped with whipped cream and a mountain of fluffy white marshmallows - but it was freezing outside and seemed like far too much of a trek for something so gorgeously fattening.
I think I really do have a thing for drinking chocolate...
The best one so far has been from Häagen-Dazs in Leicester Square. It was gratifying beyond anything a man or woman could ever give me...seriously, I wanted to book a room with it!
I'd get back to the main point but I don't have one so...Oh, yes, some old lady sat next to me on the bus earlier farted very loudly then burst out laughing. It was the funniest thing I've seen, heard and smelt on a bus in very a long time. She was wonderful...she did it, said in a thick Jamaican accent "That'll be my cabbage stew." Then the laughter erupted.
I had my children's lit class today (nothing in heaven or below answered my plea for more snow). I actually like that class - that's the first time this has happened since Life writing with Sean in my first year - so I don't mind going to it really. The books we're looking at are really interesting and I think some of the techniques we're analysing will help me with my portfolio for Fiction and Innovative Form since we're looking at innovative ways in which the authors craft their stories to speak to their young readers.
As for myself as a writer generally, I think I'm starting to get the gist of what I want to do.
We all know I've dabbled in writing erotica and such, well I think that's an area I'd like to stay in. Erotica and perhaps non-fiction things to do with that whole world. The only other thing I enjoy is writing for young people but I don't feel like I have any place there (not at this moment in my life anyway). Meh, I'll just have to see what pops up.
Oooooo, I had a dentist appointment yesterday.
My teeth are still awesome!
Over and out xx
Sunday, 8 February 2009
They did try to deliver on Friday, but no sod was home to sign for it so I've had to reschedule the delivery to Wednesday morning.
I've gotten really bored of the skull heart one I wear all the time: It worked for me at the time I bought it. It's called La Mort de Coeur which they've put into English as The tragic death of the heart and I bought it a couple of months after Ben and I split up the year before last. It's still lovely but it reflects too much hurt that I simply don't feel anymore, that's why I've decided to have a bit of a change (yeah, emotional attachments to necklaces probably sounds weird...I don't care).
This is my new pewter baby arriving on Wednesday:
It's called Chemical Wedding and is a symbol of the metaphysical union of two opposites.
It's pretty and will work well with my rings and bracelets (since I never wear colours and metals that all blend well together. The two-tone effect of this should fix that a bit).
Hmmm...ah, yes, other news.
That "friend" of mine, Nicky, is causing strife again!!!!!
It's Ben's friend's 21st birthday on Saturday and we've all been invited to go out and celebrate it on Friday night down our local.
Somehow that git managed to get himself invited to join us all down there and I just know that if he turns up and does ANYTHING then I don't think I will be able to hold my tongue - or my fist - around the poncey little twat this time around. Ben was fuming about it after I told him (I let him read what happened over Facebook last weekend) and said that if he so much as looks at me in a funny way then he's still man enough to get throttled.
I don't want to cause a fight, not during a friend's birthday, but I don't know if I can handle him being around me. I'm still so bloody angry at everything he said. I did plan to rise above it and act completely cool to make me look like the bigger person, but I don't know if I can do that.
It's not until Friday so I suppose I have some time to compose myself anyway.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Ben has just left and has annoyingly left a massive empty juice bottle on my window ledge and has taken South Park series 9 with him (OK, so it was his to take anyway but...ah well). Those two things aside, I do love him like a loony though and feel it more and more each time I see him. I dread the day where the butterflies stop.
Do feel a bit naff now he's had to go home...anyway...
We met outside the station at 2 and went shopping for DVDs and any new games around, after that we stood around the bus station and ended up jumping on a brand new bus (it even smelt new!). From there is was a quick trip to Sainsbury's for food and ice cream before heading back to hang out at mine.
Things were great until a bit of an argument happened and I ended up sitting on the floor and away from him for a while, but we soon made up so hey.
We made up with no panic.
Make of that last sentence what you will. I'm going to bed now with possibly the biggest grin ever on my face and I'm sure a contented sigh will crop up before the snores happen.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
I prayed to pretty much everything - God, Satan, Krishna, Bruce Forsythe - that the snow would stop classes and it did. After the initial "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!" and an elated phone call to Ben, who also got another day off from work, I started surfing and didn't pretty much didn't move.
I read some of my course book and watched American Dad, but never did any of the homework I was planning to get through, nor did I tidy up or...anything.
That was a waste of a day really.
I'm going for a walk in a bit just so I can get out of the house for a little while. Fresh air and such.
Staring at my laptop screen for so long has kicked off a dull yet annoying pain in my head.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
I've not seen snow like that in about 6 years. It came down like crazy...fully formed snowmen could have been dropping out of the air. Honestly!
I took pictures when it first started coming down - after I'd warmed up from waiting for a bus after Abiola's birthday munch - but couldn't snap any during the day because the kids on the estate had taken over and started pelting strangers with snowballs then tried attacking people with a shovel and snowballs so compacted that they became ice balls. One lady swung her handbag at a bunch of them after they ganged up on her. Dad rang the police whilst I watch her spin and whack three of them in the face.
I made snow people on my balcony, although I didn't have anything to use for their faces so they ended up looking like curvy snow blobs in the photos I tried to take.
Ben got the day off work as well and, as it was a Monday, he came over to see me. No buses were running so he walked all the way up to mine in the snow. He looked like Mr Frosty when he got here: his trilby was coated in a layer of white, his face had flakes melting on it, his glasses were steamed up, his black puffer jacket could barely be recognised and his jeans were soaked up to the knee. I opened the door and he stood there looking at me saying "Hellllllpppppppppp." Good thing his brain was actually working that day and he brought shorts and dry socks with him. I hung his stuff on the radiators to dry whilst he dived into my bed yelling "I'M A COLD LITTLE MAN!"
I may venture out a little later to play in what's left of the snow. Two of the local schools are open again now so the estate is a lot quieter than it was yesterday. Aside from that I'll probably spend my day finishing the book I had to read for my now cancelled class this afternoon.
Monday, 2 February 2009
I didn't make it clear who I was talking to in that post...it was Nicky.
Think back to that "friend" of mine who kept getting up and leaving me on my own to have a smoke, taking other people's drinks and just turning up to things without an invite. That's him.
He started ignoring me completely ever since I was too sick to make it to his birthday and I wanted to know why (I was in a fowl mood, otherwise I'd never have bothered asking).
After those initial messages I showed on here, the conversation went further. He swears that he always asked me if I was OK with him leaving before he did, that I've changed for the worse since I got back together with Mister and that I'm a cow for hurting him and saying I didn't trust him (to explain that - my illness has taken over as of late and when it gets bad I turn into a paranoid mess. I'm wary of everyone, think people are plotting and out to get me and just generally go a bit mad. He's seen me go through this many times and I was under the impression he understood that when I come out with things like that I don't mean a word of it).
He also said that I'm a user and have probably never really cared about him.
OK, I'm not without my faults and I'm not blameless in this whole friendship breakdown (my problems make me very selfish at times). I am, however, genuinely upset at the fact that he thinks that I'd "use" him and not be a true friend...over the span of 10 years!! If I was that kind of person would I have really stuck around for that amount of time?
I used to sit and listen to him when he was upset and needed to talk to someone, in person when I could and online well into the early hours of the morning pretty much every other day even though I had to be up early for college and work. I'd try to help and give advice knowing he'd go off and not listen yet still be there to pick up the pieces when things went wrong. When I first came out I wasn't comfortable talking about my sexuality at all, but because he was having similar problems I used to answer every question about it he threw at me because I wanted to help.
We'd go out to parks and pubs and have a laugh, singing to bar staff and laughing at children falling over their own laces. We'd talk about what we were writing and share books we loved.
He used to do the same for me before he turned into an arse.
Would someone who didn't care do that?
I honestly don't think I've changed that much. Not enough to infuriate someone into acting like such a twat toward me.
I'm not a cow. I can be a bit horrible sometimes, and that's not being ill that really is just me having a crap temper, but a cow...that's a little harsh.
I like the small changes that have happened. I don't hate myself, I'm more confident, I'm less of a doormat, I understand who I am, I'm able to do things for myself a bit more...is that bad?
He's the one who has changed in a naff way. He never used to run off and leave friends just to have a smoke with people he's just met, he used to think taking without asking was wrong...arggghhh. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
He wormed his way into Mister's group of friends and managed to piss them all off. They even started avoiding him at one point...going round each other's houses to drink instead of the pub.
We're both just not right for each other as friends anymore.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm still a little upset at the not caring comment.
If you're in my life then I care about you. Simple as. Especially after 10 fucking years!