Saturday, 24 May 2008
This is my liver finally getting its revenge; It knows I'm cutting down and is making me pay for past piss-ups now.
All as a result of a friend's birthday drinky thing I went to last night. Was a laugh but I went home pretty early 'cos I was feeling a bit ill.
I finally got my book through for my Developing the Novel module at uni next year.
I've had a bit of a look through and so far the guy just seems a tad too patronising for my liking. It's all "My way is the right way...anything else and you shall suffer an epic fail!" (not that he says that anywhere in the book thus far; it's just a vibe I'm getting from it). None the less, I've been trying to dig out the little exercises we're meant to do over the summer in order to prep ourselves for the upcoming classes. They're tricky to find though. They all seem to be in and around various diagrams made up of lines, circles, triangles and naff explanations.
You can tell I'm reaaaaaallllyyy not enthused by this module, can't you? I can read novel after novel quite happily, but nothing is igniting any interest in me for actually getting down to writing one. Ah well, hopefully that will fade once the course actually starts to get going. I'm still looking forward to Fiction and innovative form anyway.
I'm still eagerly awaiting the arrival of another book I ordered off Amazon the other day. It should be here my next week (I hope so anyway). It's called Enchanted: Erotic Bedtime Stories For Women. I know it probably sounds a weenie bit wrong to you, but I'm intrigued by it really
as it's a bunch of fairytale rewrites. I'm already VERY into what Angela Carter does with her reworkings of fairy tales and, since I first discovered her, I've loved seeing what other people can do with old classics. Granted this probably won't be as sophisticated or poetic as Angela, and there will probably be dirty goings on with Snow White and her Dwarfs, I'm rather excited to read it anyway. Plus I love erotica in general (the proper stuff, not 5 minute porn involving mere thrusting and spurting...bleurgh...). I know I'm supposed to be focusing on getting through 10 novels for my course, and I'm slowly getting through them, but I'm really enjoying looking at all the short fiction out there right now. As soon as I've paid my phone bill I'm going to get a collection of Roald Dahl's short stories. I loved him when I was a kid and think he is a genius now I'm a smelly old grown up.
I think I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging today. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find people who like to talk about books, so I pour stuff out here instead. Not harming anyone.
Anyway, I suppose I had better go and have a bath then find something half decent to wear to a gig I'm going to this evening. My boyfriend's band are playing at a location I'm bound to get lost trying to find aaaannnndd I'm expecting a couple of friends in a few hours who are coming with me. Ought to be good AND this place serves old style cocktails. Not that I can have many - diet and all that jib-jab - but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.
Monday, 19 May 2008
I'm ITCHING to write something...trouble is that I have noooooooo idea what.
Due to a rather bad lady pain day, I've been pretty much bed ridden and watching DVDs all day. My favourite comedies: Black Books, Family Guy, Spaced, The Young Ones...
It's made me want to write. To write and be funny. I've had so many ideas racing around my head all day but haven't got a clue as of what to do with them.
Do I write snapshots? Shall I try and knock out some of a script? Just pile them all into my blog and let people see what weird crap manages to race through my head and leave it at that?
Any more of this and I may go mad. How do other writers cope with this? To have ideas and not know what the flip you want to do with them.
Want to see what's made me go made today? Blame all this...
The Young Ones
Ever since my pill consultation I've felt like crap about myself. Not me in general, but me as in the vessel I have to carry myself in.
It's not exactly my weight I'm focussing on here because I've been a big person just about my whole life and I don't actually think I'd be able to go down by much (my whole family are on the large side). I just really want to get healthy because I've got a feeling that naff health may be contributing to a few problems I've been having lately (such as the constant tiredness, the extra depressive bouts, my skin breaking out even though I'm on treatment to stop it etc).
As of today I'm going to try and change things!
I already eat quite healthy and have done for years, my problem is that I drink to much alcohol. Even though I've cut down by a massive amount I still drink too much of the sodding stuff. From now on I'm going to try and be strict with myself and stick to just two units a week. That means if there's a friday night out thing planned then I can have two normal boozy drinks and if it's a friday and saturday night thing then I can have one on each night then stick to juice and soft drinks afterward.
Another thing I'm going to do - along with my best mate - is go swimming again. I haven't been since I was 14 because I HATE the way I look in a costume, but if my mate comes with me then I won't feel so alone and we'll both have someone to have a laugh with whilst we're in there. Plus the pool we've chosen is in the gym she used to be a member of, so it's more likely that there will just be adults in the pool rather than idiot kids who like to throw insults.
I'd like to try something else as well as swimming but I have to be careful with what I choose because I have problems with my hips (most people know this anyway). I've decided to up my walking. I used to do Hammersmith bridge and back twice a week but now I'm going to up it to walking for at least an hour every day.
Another of my friends goes to belly dancing classes and asked me along. I'll think about it.
What I really need is people looking out for me though.
No buying me alcoholic drinks when we're out, no lunch out at resturants anymore (Emma!) and some positive encouragement about getting my arse moving. I'm not the most motivated of people so some poking and being told to shift my bum wouldn't go amiss.
I've decided I'm going to start this off first - so I can at least get going - and then I'm going to start taking my pill. I'm hoping that it'll have a lesser chance of effecting my weight and blood pressure if I have ways of keeping it down beforehand...plus I'll probably feel loads better in myself for doing all this.
So, as soon as my bursary comes in, I'm off to buy a new swimming costume and a damn supportive sports bra!
Saturday, 17 May 2008
So I'm facing a bit of a dilemma right now...to pill it or not to pill it.
I had a mare of a day at my local clinic yesterday - won't go into it too much - but the end result was being given a box of what you can see in the picture above. Not an unfamiliar sight, especially to women with stupid periods and/or no want of a child just yet.
Shouldn't be much of a dilemma really, since this is pretty common, but I've got so much playing on my mind about this thing.
I was reluctantly given it yesterday because it's an older and lower dosage combined pill. Apparently my weight and the fact that immediate family have blood pressure problems means it's the only combined pill I can go on without major concern...at least straight away. I've been told that if I put on more than half a stone and if my blood pressure goes up then I have to come off of it immediately and will be put on the Progesterone only pill (POP) instead.
So here I sit, twiddling a metallic green pack between my fingers, listening to the rustle of the little yellow pills inside whilst wondering if I should push one out of its confine and take it since today is the optimum day to do it anyway. My problem is side effects.
I've been warned that the following will possibly and probably happen to me:
-Increase in appetite (typical on this brand)
-Severe depressive moods
-Wild mood swings
-Increase in blood pressure
I'm slightly worried about the weight gain, blood pressure and depressive mood parts of this list. I already waver between having moderate to severe depression without taking sod all to make it happen...I dread to think how it being worse would feel.
Weight gain isn't good because I'm big enough as it is and already trying to loose some of it. The blood pressure thing scares me simply because of what I see dad go through on his tablets and such. I don't really want bigger boobs, but I could live with it (and so can my boyfriend judging by the muttered "Awesome" and the arm gesture that usually backs up such an utterance).
I just don't like the idea of turning into a crazy bitch and upsetting everyone. The idea of not being in crippling pain for 3 - 5 days a month and not having to fork out on tests all the time is highly attractive though.
I suppose it's just remarkable how such a tiny little tablet could possibly warp my body and personality. That's what I'm finding pretty horrible and what is putting me off a lot.
Then again, I say all of this yet I could take it and be perfectly fine on it after my body has settled. Loads of women are perfectly fine on this particular brand.
I've no idea if the positives outweigh the negatives with this. I'd love to be able to speak to my mum about it, but she and I don't tend to discuss matters such as this.
So to take it or not to take it?
I really don't know :o(
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Because I burst out crying abouuuuuttt 15 minutes ago and I can't seem to stop the water flow.
I don't understand me. I really really don't.
Technically I'm supposed to be happy right now. Uni has finished so I'm free until September, things at home are ok, I have good friends, my relationship is ok, I'm not at want of anything...yet I still fucking cry!
To be perfectly honest, right now I feel like a particularly stupid, ugly walrus who doesn't deserve to have friends, be loved or be alive. I'm at a loss as to what I'm supposed to really do about all this.
Thus far I've been acting as if I'm alright purely because I don't want anyone worrying about me...but I suppose this blog is a cry for help now. Maybe? I don't know. Do I really want help anymore? After years and years of feeling like crap what is so-called help going to do aside from give me some false hope for a bit again?
I must sound so ridiculous. This isn't for some kind of warped attention. I suppose I just need to explode but don't have much of an outlet. I'm not pouring all this out directly to the people I love because I'll upset them, I'll worry them and I'll probably freak them out as well.
I have to go out tomorrow night and I'm scared because of all the people that'll be there. I'm worried about something which I thought I didn't need to panic about anymore. I get the feeling that people think I'm stupid and all I want to do is sleep but I can't manage to nod off properly.
It'll be fine. I think.
Aside from feeling really low at the moment I'm completely stable.
I just wish the ability to feel happy would find me again. I think that's what this is...want of that glow, that yellow smiley faced feeling that I've not had in years. It's hard being unintentionally miserable all the time.
I've been looking at that LOLCATS thing to try and cheer myself up. It's worked a little bit at least. I think I might stick a silly DVD on and get out of this funk enough to perhaps catch a couple of hours sleep.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
I think I may have stood there and had an argument with it out loud...not 100% sure, but some bloke did give me a reaaaallllyyy strange look.
It was something along the lines of "I'm trying to...when they invent cookie flavoured salad dressing then I've truly won!", "I already do sometimes...leave me alone." annnnddd "God and I are no longer speaking to each other. You can't find God, HA, you're just a book...and not even a Bible, screw you!" (If that was all done out loud then I'm sure you can see why I was being looked at like I'd just escaped from someplace where straight jackets count as lounge wear).
It got me thinking though (extra smoggy out today, no?). There are sooooooo many of these weird little coffee table books that people rarely take notice of, or buy as something to place next to their loo when they get taken by surprise and have to stay in there a little longer than first planned (colon conga...fun, no?). When you REALLY take time to read them, they're actually really amusing and really clever. I buy them every now and again to leaf through when I want to hide from essays, even gave one about living in a horror movie to my boyfriend not too long ago. They're just random lists, thoughts and drawings by people who were in between projects or too damn weird not to publish. I think I could do one of these how to live your life books quite easily (and corrupt a few people in the process).
I do actually mean living a proper life though, none of this office, champagne bar, decent motor, 'I crazy lady with cats if no marry Jim' type stuff. I mean REAL life. Y'know, like ways to clever duck flying things in your classroom with people have taken a dislike (practise and soon it shall be some kind of pubescent style Matrix thing), how to avoid admitting you're a 20 year old virgin to sex crazed idiots without them twigging (usually involves stories about inflatable sheep and wheelie bins. Be prepared to lie your arse off), how to avoid questions about strange stains, how to convince the person of the job centre that you've been looking for work when really you've been out every day spending your dole money on cheese and Stella, how to pretend you're over your ex, comical ways to handle a nervous breakdown, sex tips for the over 60s (I hear far too many dirty goings on between elderly people on benches...seriously). I could go on and on and ooooonnn...and I do :oD
Anyway anyway anyway.
I'm really just writing this blog because I'm not in the least bit tired and am itching to write something although I have no idea what. Y'know when you get millions of ideas all rushing at once and just don't know how the flip to handle it? Yeah, I'm suffering with that right now. In saying that, I have managed to keep focus every now and again by thinking up the possibilities of Cillit Bang moving away from just cleaning products (and obviously not my old Cillit Bang condom joke from yonks ago...BANG and the sperm is gone...they could still do it). It progressed from that on to wondering what would happen if you sprayed some up Barry Scott's nose...would his head explode? BANG...and the Barry is gone...
I wonder if that's just how he speaks...I hope someone slaps him for it one of these days...
Oh my God...see what I mean?
My brain is everywhere right now. I think it's the thought of my exam looming. It's on Thursday morning and I'm really not looking forward to the bastard. However, it is a Thursday and that is the day of the week set aside for me and the other half to see each other properly, chill out for a bit and argue about why his shoes smell so much (it's the highlight of my week...no, really...).
I got make-up delivered today and I love it. Never thought I'd ever say that.
Just thought I'd let you know...
I'm also hungry. Curse this diet.
I'm doing it for a particular reason in which I can't be arsed to discuss (although it's probably not what you're thinking...or that either...nope, not that...ha...no...). I've cut out most of the alcohol and the junk. I do eat healthy anyway, but the junk threw it out of whack a little bit. Also might start swimming again...
Giving up the alcohol has been really hard. Everyone knows I'm a heavy drinker, so you can imagine how hellish this is for me. I've been gulping it like water since I was about 14...being drunk is part of what makes me more interesting I think...but my liver must hate me by now.
Urghhh...do I have anymore bollocks I can chat?
No, not really. Oh well, at least this filtered out some of what was looming in my strange little head.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
I handed the last of my portfolio work on Tuesday, so now I just have my Romanticism exam coming up next Thursday. After then I'M OUTTA THERE (for 5 months).
I'm so relieved.
I think my head was about to explode from all the pressure. Deadlines suck...which isn't the best thing for a writer to say since that'll be my life if I carry on with the craft once my degree is over and done with.
I went out with uni friends on Tudesday evening. We went to Wagamama's and it was quite cool, although you could see the steam rising off of all of us...everyone was shattered and worried about modules.
I also and chocolate fudge cake with seaweed in it...verrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyy odd tasting.
Thank you again to Diana and Abi for paying for me. I PROMISE I'll pay you guys back once my bursary is in (since you wouldn't take what I had in my purse on the day).
I spent the day with Emma and Anthony yesterday. It was a laugh and it was soooooo good to just hang out with them without having to worry about getting back home to do more work.
We sat around the room for a bit, cleaned, had a walk around the shops annnnndd went to Nandos, where Ant deciced to change my name. I'm no longer Shelly, no, I am now Onion-face Squarepants (charming Godson I have). We sat around in the evening drinking white wine spritzers, eating cheesecake and watching the Chelsea V. Liverpool match along with Ant's Godfather and his girlfriend.
Today I'm finally chilling out on my own and watching friends for a little bit until my boyfriend gets here. I'm really glad that, after my exam, the once a week seeing each other thing will be over with because it's not enough. Not enough for him or for Emma, who I manage to only see twice a week (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!).
Tomorrow starts revision, but that's only rereading the texts I looked at on the course so it shouldn't be too awful. In theory anyway...