Most of the time...

I really wish I didn't exsist.

I'm a whiney, foul brained and insignificant piece of shit.


Goodnight.

I REFUSE to drink that much again!

I'm hungover from pear cider, cheap champagne and wine that tasted like it could go on a bag of chips.

It was my college photo thingy yesterday, so I met the guys in the bar for cider and pizza first and then we ran off to the chapel to get snapped by an insane photographer.
Me, Radish and Pease were standing on a table right at the back of the shot, so that was a scary jump down. Gladly I've made it through the whole three years now without an embarrassing fall (watch when Graduation day hits...I'm going to roll down the stairs and knock everyone down in a domino type fashion).
After that was the reception where we all stood around drinking piss poor champers and running up frequently for top-ups. Apparently the collage chaplain came and spoke to Biscuit and me for a while but I don't remember that.
Next we ran off - still with glasses in hand - and went to the chesney building to watch Rhubarb & co do readings. Can't remember any of that either apart from something about Mr T's birthday and Adam saying something about swine flu in a poem (at least I think it was a poem).

I managed to stick to the cranberry juice for a little bit until I got home and was greeted by wine and lukewarm chicken. I think it tasted good.

I'm not drinking that much again in a hurry.
Now I remember why I stopped in the first place. Feeling dead in the morning is not the future.

On the plus side I was with my friends and I bought a book off Kara which I love very muchly (and can freak out The Mister with it!).

It's just dawned on me...

I haven't had a little adventure in YEARS!

That party yesterday was all kinds of crap. I love my cousin very much but her friends are arses...MASSIVE ONES!
One in particular, Chris, goes out of his way to argue with me, never stops looking down my top, butts into conversations he's not a part of and asks me pervy questions about my mum (so now she's going to knock him flat out next time they have to been in the same room).
Going back to my title, everyone was sharing stories about being lost in weird places, or meeting people who kept offering them cocktail sausages or fires on planes and I sat there thinking, wracking my brains completely, about what I've done lately that's been madcap.

Answer = nothing!

Ever since uni and meeting The Mister I've really toned down.
I remember being 18 and drunk with Emz. We would dance around pubs, pick up men/women so we didn't have to pay for our drinks, befriend bar folk for freebies (I miss you triple measure man!) and end up sitting in a park or on top of a massive wheelie bin on the other side of London singing our hearts out to songs we couldn't remember the words to.
Or Soho with Nicky checking out gay clubs and chickening out completely. Resigning ourselves to a grotty old dive drinking warm lager and bugging the little old men nursing their rusty looking ale.

I'm planning to break out of the steady life rut over the summer. Y'know, before having to work kicks in. I don't want to get stinking drunk and try to pick up strangers for free drinks anymore, I just want to do the things I like and LIVE A LITTLE!

I'm trying to plan things and I really want The Mister involved in stuff as well.
We like a lot of the same things and I've helped him to find out a few things about himself he never really knew before. We can work with this.
In the meantime I'm making an effort to leave the house at least once a day and go SOMEWHERE different or where I haven't been for a long time.

No more boring life...at least not this summer anyway.

Such a Corndog.

The Mister bought me a gift yesterday.
It's the most corny thing ever but I actually love it. It's a Bee holding a flower and, when you hit its foot, it starts singing "Be my baby"

Went to the cinema to see Coraline in 3D yesterday but I don't think it was worth it.
The film itself was really good and kept quite true to the book, but the 3D ruined it. Not enough popped out and, because it was for kids, the 3D parts didn't pop out at you but went around the sides of you instead. Far too toned down.
I might go and see it in 2D next week or something.

So right now I'm just killing time until I have to get a little bit dolled up for my cousin's birthday party. I've been out today trying to find a gift. Ended up buying her a body shop vitamin e thing and a box of cocktail chocolates (which I also bought myself...they're too strong for my liking but she'll probably like them).

I need to find food now because I'M HUNGRY!!!

Life and such.

Sorry I've been so crappy over my last few blogs.
I was on a bit of a downer - everything felt like it was caving in - but I'm almost OK now.
The problems The Mister and I were having have been sorted and I'm also starting to gain my life back away from Emz...

She was bugging me all week about going out drinking on Friday and I just didn't want to go. I'd like to think I've grown up a little bit over the last year or so and I've given up with the boozing and the staying out until stupid o'clock.
She gave me the "but I haven't been out and had a drink since my birthday", "You're my drinking buddy and it's not the same without you" and "it's so hard being a single parent" lines but I'm so fed up of being guilt tripped. It's all balls because she went out on a drinking weekend with her workmates a couple of weeks ago, she usually gets up and leaves me to smoke and flirt when we go out and I understand being a parent is hard but it's not an excuse. I'm not a parent but that doesn't mean anything I've got going on isn't hard too.
I already overlook the 7am phone calls, the promises of going out to catch up along with her son - my Godson - that she then cancels last minute because she'd rather be with a bloke she's just met and I forgave all the shit she put me through when The Mister and I split up...no sane person would have done that!!

After a conversation with my Dad I've now decided it's time to become more selfish.

A better offer came up for Friday evening, pure and simple. The Mister and I have been having problems lately and we've been slowly working things out. The offer was to come over Friday and stay the night, which I accepted straight away (screw alcohol and sweaty Australians in a pub, I really want to save my relationship). My Dad is right, I really need to stop being a dogsbody and start looking out for my own interests. I'm not about getting drunk, flirting with strange men for free drinks, eating my own weight in junk food and watching everyone around me get stoned. I was when I was a teenager and still finding myself but that phase has been over for a very long time and the only remains of it are a mental illness and Emz. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the two.

I still feel slightly guilty for saying no to going out, but I've had a really nice weekend and she'll probably be too busy with her new boyfriend to bother with me for a little bit. Space is nice.

What else...ah, Graduation.
I was really looking forward to it but it just seems to be turning into a crappy day months before it's even here. Some of my friends are no longer going and my Dad keeps moaning about having to go and how much it all costs etc.
It's only cost £65 between all three of in total to be honest. My Grandad sent me a cheque last week to pay for my robes, tickets and smart dress in exchange for a photo of me throwing my mortarboard in the air on the day. I know I don't need a stuffy ceremony to show I've graduated, but it means so much to me that I just HAVE to be there. I didn't think I'd live this long, let alone get to and through university. I want to show off my dopey robes, have my name called and panic about falling flat on my face in front of everyone there. It's a shame people won't be there. Sometimes I feel like we're splitting apart.
I'm not going to the Summer ball anymore since no one else is and Radish is annoyed at me for it. I'm not spending £50 then another £50+ for a dress I'm only ever going to wear once for only two other people. I'd rather put that towards mine and The Mister's holiday during the summer.

I should be meeting Kara during the week (either that or on the Digby picture thingy in a couple of weeks). She's pretty much selling all of her stuff so I've nabbed her Skin Two yearbook.
I LOVE the fetish scene and have seen previews of the year book that have made me feel really enthused about buying it.
What's funny is I'm getting Mister into it a little bit as well. Probably not to the extent I like it but he's interested in a nervous laughter kind of way. Haha.

Going to be a quiet week. Only thing happening is Mand's birthday party on Saturday.
Am supposed to be seeing Coraline in 3D but I'm doubting it'll happen.

*Is fed up*

Relationship wise.

I AM NOT just here for convenience.
A phone call or a text with more than three words would be appreciated.
It's always me making that kind of effort.