Tuesday, 7 July 2009


I'm having a bit of one.

Basically, a week from now I have my usual two week "Have you slit your wrists yet?" check up with my doctor.
She asked me to use these two weeks to really have a think about taking the antidepressants she keeps offering me. This is the dilemma.
I am fed up of feeling tired and sad and angry and stressed out all the time, but I'm so afraid of the side effects that it's really stopping me from wanting to touch them (let alone pay for them out of my dwindling funds).
If I choose to take them then I'll be on the things for 6 months/1 year and...and...I just don't know.

Just look at what I mean:

Dry mouth
Urinary retention
Blurred vision
Sedation (can interfere with driving or operating machinery)
Sleep disruption
Weight gain/loss
Gastrointestinal disturbance/diarrhea
Abdominal pain
Inability to achieve an erection
Inability to achieve an orgasm (men and women)
Loss of libido

See, now I already have abdominal pain, am having investigations carried out for IBS, fall asleep all the time, have an ever lowering sex drive and can never get "over the edge" anymore, can never sleep properly and suffer with an Anxiety disorder.
I am am near bricking it about having whatever the hell she wants to give me making all that so much worse.

But I also hate how much living seems to hurt. I'm on the waiting list to see the practise councillor and to see a psychologist at the mental health centre. Problem is that the waiting lists are so long and my patience with feeling this way is getting increasingly shorter.

I hate this. Why can't I be happy?

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