Random bouts of laughter.

When you suffer from depression true moments of happiness are few and far between. Laughter happens, but there's no feeling in it a lot of the time. The moment you stop you feel low again.
That's why, when they do happen, no matter what, you treasure them and savour the moment completely.
I had this today whilst on the bus back from Oxford Street.
I felt like complete crap yesterday (I was having an ugly day...y'know, those ones where you feel like the ugliest thing that ever walked the earth?) and it kind of carried on through into today. I decided to go out for a walk to try and get some fresh air, just to see if it would help me at all. Soon felt my mood lighten slightly - although I did buy things, that usually helps - then got on the bus and sat down, just letting my mind wander off.
About half way through my journey, I remembered something from yesterday. Something that made me giggle at the time anyway, but replaying it in my head made me burst out laughing. Loudly. Tears in my eyes and ribs hurting like fuck...on a packed 7 bus!!!!!
I made a bunch of little kids start laughing, and the old lady sitting next to me. All of us were red faced and gasping for air. I must have looked completely insane, but I really didn't care. I held on to this one little gem of a memory and let my crazy sounding laugh out, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were now streaming down my face.
It's the most eleated I've felt in months. The fact that I made other people laugh made me feel even happier. My mood has improved for it and the good news is that I don't feel that ugly anymore. I'm back to my usual self. Laugher is a beautiful thing and a whole load of it came from me today :oD

Can't hack it...

I NEED to get out of this bloody house!!!!!
It's getting to the point where I'm going to go fucking insane. Dad and I seem to be arguing more than ever (tonight included...arrghhh!), I feel like I have sod all privacy (a knock or a lock, that's all I ever ask), there's no space for anything anymore, I'm scared to move anything in case I accidently knock a wire and get yelled at...I NEED SPACE!!!! My own space.
I wish I was moving out in September. Honestly.

I feel so cramped...it's doing my head in.

Hooked on Fry & Laurie

I'm in love with these guys at the moment.
Bought series 1 and 2 of 'A bit of Fry & Laurie' whilst out with Nawal last week and they've been on repeat ever since.
There's one particular bit that cracks me up because of its brilliance. Here it is:



"I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time I think it was safe to say that I had never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because of course you see, I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of way and who would have it otherwise?
I walk, and let’s be splendid about this, in a lightly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn’t far short of being, quite simply terrific.
The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness, of the order of which we are discussing, in this simple, frank, creamy soft way, doesn’t reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturisers, liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment, it resides, and I mean this in a pink slightly special way, in ones attitude of mind.
To be gorgeous, and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely.
And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion, because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I’m so often told it.
That’s the secret really"

Stream-of-conciousness (excuse spelling and lack of punctuation...lack of clarity and sanity too...).

We forgive yet we are still upset at all the snapping and the harshness and the words that wanted to explode from our mouths even though we kept them in. We held our tongues with imaginary metal clamps, producing babbles rather than curse words. Leaving with a push rather than an embrace.
Why oh why oh why why why why why why why why should it be that stupid. Why?
Stupid stupid stupid with extra stupid and a spattering of "What the fuck happened?"
I'm too tired. Waking up hurts. Croak of a back in unison with croak of the bed and croak of the voice moaning that it's too hot and who the hell turned the radiator on to wake people up when they were sleeping quite dreamlessly. Up and awake to a Friday that's supposed to be good but I highly doubt it'll be anything other than a disapointment and a broken promise out of spite. We give eggs around this time, a different day and week each year, because apparently Jesus liked chocolate and believed in the holy bunny. A time of fertility and rebirth, but only do it if you're married, folks, except you pagans for who his day was originaly invented for anyway. Sorry about your hijacking, but here, have an egg.
I should clean this keyboard...there's cranberry juice spilt carelessly down the keyboard and it's sticky to the touch. Sticky to the type. Letters AQZS and caps lock all stiffened by a boucing red berry. Technology is so perfect, so advanced, so state of the art...yet it can't protect itself from a crushed berry attack when its idiot owner deciced to shake the bottle before pouring but forgot to replace the cap first.
Wants and needs are playing on my mind, I know what I want but I know I don't need the hassle if it all goes wrong but I can't say a word against it because I'll be back to paragraph one all over again.

I've been proposed to!

Yes. I have been asked to be a blushing bride.
Thank you, thank you ever so much...but wait 'cos it gets better...




...the question was popped by a gross dude in Sainsbury's *shudders*

I don't half get some creepy men after me sometimes. It really is quite gross.
This dude was following me around the shop earlier this afternoon when I went in to grab a few bits and bobs. Well, I say following, he was pretty much walking behind me the whole time and asking if he can grab anything for me. Rather embarassing when you're down the tampon isle and all you can hear is "I am not scared. I get them for you. Regular? Super? I don't mind!" (yes, that really happened...).
I left vowing not to return for a few weeks just to try and shake off the sick feeling of having to ever bump into him again. Fat lot of good the vowing did, 'cos I had to go back with mum to get easter eggs for my little cousins. I tried the "I don't partake of Easter" excuse, but she told me to stop being a grouch and dragged me along anyway.
Shopping was fine and we didn't bump into anyone unsavory...until we got to the till and he was there. He chatted to my mum about sharing the eggs we had just bought, then his eyes fall to me and he goes "Ah, so this must be your beautiful daughter. Hello again"
I mumbled hello then walked off to start packing bags, but he stoped me saying "may I see your hand please?"
I looked over to mum but she just shrugged, so I held out my hands and the dude leaned in and said "Ah, you wear a lot of rings, but the important finger is bare".
Mum burst out laughing and I quickly pulled my hands back and carried on stuffing bags with eggs. I did manage to mumble "and it's staying that way" but I doubt it could be heard over mum's cackles.
He then started going "You can make beautiful babies, I see it in your eyes. We could make them...I could take that finger for you."
Mum cracked up again and I just said "Mate, I'm already taken...and just...no!"
"You are not taken. I see no ring. I would get you one if you will be mine."
"I aint being wife number 15 or whatever so bike it!"
then mum cut in with "yeah, her boyfriend wouldn't be too pleased" then "but she annoys me enough, you can take her."
"Aha, a mother's permission is binding where I am from."
"Oh just fuck off."
"Shelly, don't swear."
"Just pay and go before he pulls a dress from under the counter or something..."

I feel gross now.
Why do women enjoy attention like that? Seriously? I can't fucking stand it.
He seemed like a complete wasteman *shudders*

Urghhhhh, someone run me a bath...and get me a scouring pad.

Fiends in human shape.

Urrgggghhh...why do I always seem to befriend the company of liars, big mouths and backstabbers?
Over the last few weeks I've had so many grievences caused by people who I used to be able to happily call my friends. It's amazing how some people can turn in an instant.
It's now getting to the point where I'm becoming increasingly upset, a tad on the lonely side and at a loss as to who the hell I'm supposed to be able to trust now. Things are driving me crazy because I don't really know who I can talk to in confidence anymore, well, apart from a stuffy therapist clutching a clipboard and gazing at me in a condecending manner. Not really what you want when all you're after is friendly banter.
This probably seems like a trip to paranoia land, but so much has happened that I don't want to blabber on about publicly...arggghhhh people!!!!

So I can actually write...

I had a tutorial with Leone today.
I was completly bricking it last night because I had written sod all to show her for the portfolio. I gulped a glass of wine then hacked away at my keyboard just to get down SOMETHING...ANYTHING. I finished at about 2 in the morning with 500 words to print off and give to her ready for scrutiny.
Shockingly she actually really liked what I had written. It was mainly a piece of characterisation about a once glamourous woman now turned agoraphobic with only her son for company. Aside from a few alterations - I'm a bit wordy - she said it had a beautiful rhythm to it and it had the right levels of sadness and fun. We mainly sat around discussing where I can take it, like if I was going to leave it the way it was to make it a snapshot, add an inciting incident or add a twist (she told me that she hates twists and hopes I'll steer clear of them though).
I really can't believe she was that happy with it. I always think I suck at what I do, but this has really put me in good spirits.