Thursday, 15 May 2008

Lost.

So its almost 11 in the evening, some twat is blasting out music from his car downstairs, a bunch of kids are up on the scaffolding again and I'm sat on my bed with my laptop at my knees and tissue held to my eyes.
Why?
Because I burst out crying abouuuuuttt 15 minutes ago and I can't seem to stop the water flow.

I don't understand me. I really really don't.

Technically I'm supposed to be happy right now. Uni has finished so I'm free until September, things at home are ok, I have good friends, my relationship is ok, I'm not at want of anything...yet I still fucking cry!
To be perfectly honest, right now I feel like a particularly stupid, ugly walrus who doesn't deserve to have friends, be loved or be alive. I'm at a loss as to what I'm supposed to really do about all this.
Thus far I've been acting as if I'm alright purely because I don't want anyone worrying about me...but I suppose this blog is a cry for help now. Maybe? I don't know. Do I really want help anymore? After years and years of feeling like crap what is so-called help going to do aside from give me some false hope for a bit again?

I must sound so ridiculous. This isn't for some kind of warped attention. I suppose I just need to explode but don't have much of an outlet. I'm not pouring all this out directly to the people I love because I'll upset them, I'll worry them and I'll probably freak them out as well.

I have to go out tomorrow night and I'm scared because of all the people that'll be there. I'm worried about something which I thought I didn't need to panic about anymore. I get the feeling that people think I'm stupid and all I want to do is sleep but I can't manage to nod off properly.

It'll be fine. I think.
Aside from feeling really low at the moment I'm completely stable.
I just wish the ability to feel happy would find me again. I think that's what this is...want of that glow, that yellow smiley faced feeling that I've not had in years. It's hard being unintentionally miserable all the time.

I've been looking at that LOLCATS thing to try and cheer myself up. It's worked a little bit at least. I think I might stick a silly DVD on and get out of this funk enough to perhaps catch a couple of hours sleep.

1 comment:

Weeping Shadows said...

LOLCATS is brilliant, I love this furry things. [sounds wrong, but eh.]

Aw, Shelly, *hugs* I'm here for you if you want to talk; I'm not forcing you to talk to me because I know you don't like talking about a lot of things-- you know, not letting anyone worry.
But... it's ok to cry sometimes.. even if it's for no reason.

It's alright, don't say things like you shouldn't be alive, you should be; you're an amazing person and you're lovely. *hugs*