Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Lose Weight! Get Laid! Find God!


The title to my blog is also the title of a book I saw whilst wandering around Books etc this afternoon.
I think I may have stood there and had an argument with it out loud...not 100% sure, but some bloke did give me a reaaaallllyyy strange look.
It was something along the lines of "I'm trying to...when they invent cookie flavoured salad dressing then I've truly won!", "I already do sometimes...leave me alone." annnnddd "God and I are no longer speaking to each other. You can't find God, HA, you're just a book...and not even a Bible, screw you!" (If that was all done out loud then I'm sure you can see why I was being looked at like I'd just escaped from someplace where straight jackets count as lounge wear).

It got me thinking though (extra smoggy out today, no?). There are sooooooo many of these weird little coffee table books that people rarely take notice of, or buy as something to place next to their loo when they get taken by surprise and have to stay in there a little longer than first planned (colon conga...fun, no?). When you REALLY take time to read them, they're actually really amusing and really clever. I buy them every now and again to leaf through when I want to hide from essays, even gave one about living in a horror movie to my boyfriend not too long ago. They're just random lists, thoughts and drawings by people who were in between projects or too damn weird not to publish. I think I could do one of these how to live your life books quite easily (and corrupt a few people in the process).
I do actually mean living a proper life though, none of this office, champagne bar, decent motor, 'I crazy lady with cats if no marry Jim' type stuff. I mean REAL life. Y'know, like ways to clever duck flying things in your classroom with people have taken a dislike (practise and soon it shall be some kind of pubescent style Matrix thing), how to avoid admitting you're a 20 year old virgin to sex crazed idiots without them twigging (usually involves stories about inflatable sheep and wheelie bins. Be prepared to lie your arse off), how to avoid questions about strange stains, how to convince the person of the job centre that you've been looking for work when really you've been out every day spending your dole money on cheese and Stella, how to pretend you're over your ex, comical ways to handle a nervous breakdown, sex tips for the over 60s (I hear far too many dirty goings on between elderly people on benches...seriously). I could go on and on and ooooonnn...and I do :oD

Anyway anyway anyway.
I'm really just writing this blog because I'm not in the least bit tired and am itching to write something although I have no idea what. Y'know when you get millions of ideas all rushing at once and just don't know how the flip to handle it? Yeah, I'm suffering with that right now. In saying that, I have managed to keep focus every now and again by thinking up the possibilities of Cillit Bang moving away from just cleaning products (and obviously not my old Cillit Bang condom joke from yonks ago...BANG and the sperm is gone...they could still do it). It progressed from that on to wondering what would happen if you sprayed some up Barry Scott's nose...would his head explode? BANG...and the Barry is gone...
I wonder if that's just how he speaks...I hope someone slaps him for it one of these days...

Oh my God...see what I mean?
My brain is everywhere right now. I think it's the thought of my exam looming. It's on Thursday morning and I'm really not looking forward to the bastard. However, it is a Thursday and that is the day of the week set aside for me and the other half to see each other properly, chill out for a bit and argue about why his shoes smell so much (it's the highlight of my week...no, really...).

I got make-up delivered today and I love it. Never thought I'd ever say that.
Just thought I'd let you know...

I'm also hungry. Curse this diet.
I'm doing it for a particular reason in which I can't be arsed to discuss (although it's probably not what you're thinking...or that either...nope, not that...ha...no...). I've cut out most of the alcohol and the junk. I do eat healthy anyway, but the junk threw it out of whack a little bit. Also might start swimming again...
Giving up the alcohol has been really hard. Everyone knows I'm a heavy drinker, so you can imagine how hellish this is for me. I've been gulping it like water since I was about 14...being drunk is part of what makes me more interesting I think...but my liver must hate me by now.

Urghhh...do I have anymore bollocks I can chat?
No, not really. Oh well, at least this filtered out some of what was looming in my strange little head.

Nighty night.

1 comment:

Weeping Shadows said...

That's what the blog is there for, ranting bollocks, isn't it great? ;)

YOU cut out alcohol? Michael will so not be pleased lol! But I know you don't give a toss, you're doing it for you eh?

As for how do I find the time to do all that stuff in my blog: Dunno. I just want to find stuff to do. lol.

I know how you feel, for the past couple of days I've been wanting to write something and I don't know what either. So annoying.
Swimming yay! I want to flat out go back to the gym myself. *sigh*