Had a much better day.

I've been shopping today. I decided to to to Oxford Street in the hope if finding a Dorothy Perkins that actually a)stocks my size and b)stocks the same cardie I bought from their website. I wanted to see it up close and possibly try it on so I could just send it back unopened if it turned out that the thing makes me look like a twat.
Alas, like most of the stuff they show on the site, it wasn't there. In fact, there was nothing decent in the place at all aside from the security guard (ding-dong!).
I thought I'd roam around since it was a long way back home and going for just one shop is a bit silly. I ended up buying a really nice bra from La Senza (but refuse to buy the matching pants...I am not paying £14 for a pair of knickers!), a load of pants from Evans (found a pair that go with the bra really well and it was 3 pairs for £10. UP YOURS, LA SENZA!) and and annnnnddd I finally found a top from that place which actually fits me properly. It's black with a black & white stripe insert for the arms and around the chest. Something that's my style, that's also warm and that fits... halle-fucking-lujah!!

So after that shopping trip I feel quite good about myself. I love my new clothes and I'm back to appreciating my lovely, cellulite-ridden, wobbly bits once again.
It's amazing what a top and some pants can do to a person's self-esteem really.

I got more cards in the post this morning. I *think* it's my aunt's handwriting on them. That's a total for four now, although I've no idea who the other two are from. I want to say Nan & Granddad, but that doesn't look like her handwriting.
I'm looking forward to seeing my crazies tomorrow and I'm hoping the good mood follows through to then as well. Should do...that's provided Ben stops texting me how many hours I have left of being 21. I may have to go down there and hit him with something if it carries on.

urgghh...what a day.

I'm sitting here typing after taking full whack of my painkillers and my sleeping pills. Thought I'd type and eat a box Ferrero Rocher whilst they kicked in.



I feel so "meh".

Today wasn't exactly the greatest day ever. Woke up and half 6 to get ready for a lecture this morning and couldn't get up properly (I keep forgetting to not take the sleeping pills the day before a lecture because they make me feel weird). Both bus rides were agony as usual, and some old lady nearly sat on me. The lecture was complete shit...the only good thing was sitting in the back row with my friends and even then I was too tried to join in with much.
They all went to Wagamammas after the lecture, but I had to get home to meet Ben. Wish I'd actually gone now.
I don't know what the hell it is but things still don't feel quite right. I tried to bring it up today but it didn't quite work :o(
I love him to pieces but I really am having problems.



Emma text me about my birthday. I'm still so pissed off with everything that I don't really want to see her. Ben told me I should let this one blow over, but I've done that one too many times now and I'm sick of feeling like a doormat. I text back saying that I was busy with my uni friends on Wednesday and I'm seeing a show on Friday. That was it. All I got back was "Ok, have fun."



Keeping on the subject of my Birthday, I think I very nearly missed having Patricia join us. I was sitting there and Sian asked me what the plan was for Wednesday because she's not had a computer to be able to check the messages. After that, Patricia started going "Oh, where are you going?", "Where is that?", "Who else is going to be there?", "What time?"
I did a ditsy "Oh some food selling restaurant type place on earth...QUICK, TO THE TIME MACHINE!!"

That quickly ended the questions. I love being able to say things like that and get away with it.



Oh well, I've got silly hats for all of us on Wednesday. Pointy party hats to be precise. And tiaras, and wands, and blowers. Oh yes, we shall all look awesome!


Ok, I am actually starting to feel drowsy now. I'd better log off before I shut down.

Death awaits thee with big pointy teeth...

I'M GOING TO GO AND SEE SPAMALOT ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Ben's been keeping what he was doing for my birthday a secret for well over a month now and only dropping strange hints here and there. Today he told me where we are going. It was supposed to be a secret but he got a bit panicky and asked if I actually wanted to see it before it was too late.
I've wanted to see this show for years so I'm REALLY looking forward to it. I'm a massive Monty Python lover so I'm hoping this show is as amazing and amusing as the reviews have said.
I feel like this week is going to be OK now. I've got Ben with me on Tuesday after he finishes work because the band decided to leave it off for this week so he could spend some time with me (since we've had problems with how much he's been taking on lately), I'm going out with my uni crazies on Wednesday which is just going to be awesome, Thursday is going to be a break in the fun to get some homework sorted, Friday is SPAMALOT and I still have no idea what Saturday is. I'd like to think Emma and I would have settled stuff by now so I could go out for a drink with her, but I still can't talk to her properly after the way she's been acting. Whenever she's phoned I've kind of gone into a haze about everything she's been going on about apart from how her son, my Godson, is doing lately. I've not seen him in months.

Ah well. This WILL be a good birthday.
Last year sucked so this year can only be an improvement.

http://www.montypythonsspamalotuk.com/

Old notebooks.

It's amazing what you find when you're cleaning.

A big bunch of my old notebooks tumbled to the floor whilst I was cleaning out one of my cupboards to make space for more books. I've been sitting here for the last hour reading through them and laughing.
The idea of writing comedy has been in my head since I was 17 - back when I finally twigged I was quite funny - and I wrote soooo much material. One book is full of glued on scraps from jokes and sketch ideas I used to jot down during my classes at college, as well as newspaper clippings that I found amusing (rather than keeping the papers in tact for media studies research...whoops). What also fell out were a bunch of scripts from back when I did that comedy writing course during my gap year. There were 3 copies of a completed script for that show The IT Crowd (was a homework task where the whole class had to make up a plot, take a scene each to write then email each other to make a whole script) and I found the first draft of our own sitcom that we used to met up and write once the course was over.
I stopped bothering with all of this back in summer 2007. Life got really hard and I pretty much gave up on everything, shoved my notebooks into a cupboard and forgot about them completely.
It's really strange reading them back now, especially the older ones. I can't believe some of the stuff I actually managed to come out with...it's not cringeworthy, it's actually still as crazy as when I jotted it down (that's if I remember jotting it down. Some of it I don't).

That was the whole reason I went to uni in the first place. I wanted to learn more skills to make my writing as sharp and as silly as possible, but things never really happened that way.


I wonder if I'll ever go back to what I wanted to do in the first place?


Oh well. I like this.

IMDB.

Hahahaha.
Ben is on the internet movie database now for his role as the friar in 1234 (it's a film coming out at the end of the year).

I'm finding it hilarious for some reason.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226734/


Also...I'M FREEZING!!!!
It's too damn cold these days.

Sometimes I really hate being fat.

I say sometimes because I'm actually perfectly fine with myself a lot of the time. I've never been a thin person and highly doubt that I ever will be. It's a fact I've come to accept over the last 5 or so years and it's hardly ever hindered anything in my life (I've been a size 18 in bottoms and 20/22 in tops since I was 13 years old so y'know). My only problem is sodding clothes shopping!!!!!!!! How the hell can I carry on accepting myself when shops can't even accept that I'm never going to squish myself into a 16...that thousands of others all over the country are never going to do that.
I went out shopping with my mum today and the clothes in my size - in the very few shops that we managed to find scattered around the place - were all awful.
I remember at one point a few years ago I had no trouble with this and managed to find some great stuff, but everything seems to have gone back to stupid with old ladies in mind when it comes to design these days. Everything I tried made me look about 50 or it was all cut wrong/made in clingy fabric. I ended up coming home with nothing and just ordering a jumper online from Dorothy Perkins which I hope actually fits me. What makes it worse is my general taste in clothes anyway...places don't tend to cater to plus sized women who like to dress a little on the darker side. There were so many weird polo neck type tops all in baby blue/pink with massive flowers on them...NO...JUST NO!!!

I'm doomed to wear vest tops and hoodies all my life, aren't I? The majority of the time that's all I wear because that's all I can find. If I had my way I'd be quite glamorous really *sigh*
Will just have to trawl more websites and learn how to cut men's crew neck t-shirts into V-necks as well as pull fabic in at the side to make more of a waist so they're a little more flattering...

Think I might start taking Cerazette afterall...

I've been reading up on it A LOT over the last couple of days and think I might start taking it when I get a normal period through again.
We had an incident and it's really freaked me out now. I've come to the conclusion that we're just a little bit useless and I need something else. It was over a week ago but I'm still in panic mode. I'm sure I'll be fine but I have a test here ready just in case (which bumps my total up to....lost count).
If I do start taking it then it'll be after my birthday, so I can at least be happy and fake hormone free for that. I'm going to talk to someone at the clinic first just to air my concerns again about it effecting my depression and about effectiveness with my weight - which I've read up on and it SHOULD be alright - then prep Ben for the possible impending doom (mood changes, weight gain, sore boobs, hair loss/growth, non stop bleeding etc).
I was going to opt for an IUS or an Implant but they're a lot more tricky to stop than a pill. They require me being poked, jabbed and having cold things in dark places. I'm saving those two as last resorts.

As for the relationship problems; it really is my fault and not his. Whenever my mood dips really low I have a very low tolerance of him and I don't even want a tap on the shoulder let alone a hug or anything else. It took a bit to click that it wasn't just him this was happening with, it just seems to be a little bit worse than with friends and family. I find it hard to be around people too long at the moment because I start to get irritated with everyone even when they've not done anything. I don't know if this is still the pill coming out of my system or if I need to get proper help. On really bad days I feel like nothing can save me, on days like today I still feel like shit but I can cope.

In other news, I had my first Postmodern plunder class for lit today.
As per usual, it seems shit. I have Ian Haywood again and he's not exactly the best lecturer ever. I've had two other classes with him over the last two years and those were the classes I did the worst in. He goes off on some REALLY strange tangents and doesn't explain ideas properly. The only thing I like is that he doesn't pick on people to speak, so I don't feel completely poop scared of being pointed at to nag about a novel I've not absorbed.
I'm looking forward to analysing fairy tales in a few weeks time though. I LOVE FAIRY TALES!!!! And my second essay for it isn't due until January. Sweet deal!

Still no news on when the builders are coming to sort out my crying walls. Luckily the nice weather as meant that no water has been coming through, but they need to sort it before the pissdownpours happen and I'm left without a ceiling.

That's pretty much all I fancied nagging on about.