Nervous? Me? Yes.

Oh help!!!

Today is the day that I'm going to be staying with the other half for a rather long time whilst his parents and sister are away.
I'm excited, but VERY nervous about it at the same time. Firstly, in the two years that things have been happening between us, I've never been to his house before. I know of the general location, but that's about as far as it goes.
Secondly, I'm worried about what I'll find out. You learn a lot about people once you start sharing a home with them...I'm worried one of us is going to end up killing the other with a spatula.
Oh well, I promised his mum and sister that I would help take care of their puppy. I got strict instructions to give her loads of cuddles apparently. I'm a bit wary of strange dogs - been bitten once and don't want a repeat - but I'll do it.

So here I am, sitting at my desk with my bag beside my feet waiting for him to pick me up.

Good luck vibes needed peoples!!!!!!!!!

Random things.

Stuff and ting!

I went to see the new Batman film yesterday. It doesn't live up to the hype in my opinion.
That's not to say I didn't like it, I'd gladly watch it again, it's just not as great as I'd have expected after all the attention it has gotten.
In saying that, I do feel that Heath Ledger MADE that film. The overall picture may have not been what it was hyped up to be, but his performance was. It was absolutely brilliant and I cannot fault it at all (this is coming from someone who is otherwise impartial with his films. Aside from 10 things I hate about you and Brokeback Mountain, I can take him or leave him).

I'd recomend you see it just for him alone if nothing else.

Round two, ding ding!

Oh yesterday was a barrel of laughs *not*

La Rebla Fam were doing a gig on Bush green in the afternoon and I was really looking forward to going. Open air, surrounded by a fun fair, laughter, seeing my cousin who I've not been face to face with in two and a half years, seeing Ben and his family. Sounds great really, and some of it was, but it all started getting rather cack...

I was supposed to get ready then go sit with my family for a little while, but ended up running late so only managed 10 minutes with them - whilst they were having a BBQ but I didn't have time to get comfy and eat anything - before I had to walk up to the tube station and meet my cousin, Danielle, outside of a pub close to the gig. I got there a weenie bit late but found her straight away checking her watch and puffing on a cigarette. I shouted "OI, SMOKEY JOE!" then she screamed "SHEEEELLLLLLYYY", dropped the cigarette and ran over to give me a scary jump-hug type of thing. After many more hugs and screeches of "You look you good", "You used to be taller than me, what happened", "You've lost so much weight" and "Those shoes are AMAZING", we made out way over to the fun fair then walked through to the stage. Ben and Co were all lounging around on the grass in front of the stage singing some kind of song about beans (don't know...honestly) as Dani and I walked over to them. The sun glistened off of a gold Zelda symbol on Ben's shirt which made Dani turn and go "I approve of him already...Zelda's fucking fabulous!"
Nothing much happened after that. We stood and watched La Rebla perform - after being introduced by someone who reminded me of a naff local radio DJ - even though it really wasn't their best set. They have a lot of expletives in their songs which were not allowed to be uttered, so they had to come up with alternatives. Some didn't work because they ruined the rhymes, sometimes they just shouted "Bleep" and Simon came out with possibly the funniest thing ever for one line. It was supposed to go "I fucking hate myself" but Simon shouted "SMEGGING hate mysellllffff" (it's better if you know the song, but never mind). The boys could hardly be heard because the sound limit was only 90 decibels, from what Ben told me, they got in serious shit once they were offstage because they kept hitting 102.

Something that was sweet: Ben's sister came over to me and said "My little cousin just asked if you were Ben's girlfriend and said, if so, then you're very pretty"
I just blushed. It was a nice compliment.

So the gig finished and then the crap started.
Firstly, two of my friends decided they both wanted to attempt to chat up my cousin. We went off for a walk around the fun fair and they both kept pushing me out of the way so they could circle Danielle in a stupid attempt to get her attention. One ran off and started winning teddy bears on things. He gave me one of them and gave another to Dani. The other one kept coming out with really stupid jokes and did random dances to try and make her laugh...
It took me ages to drag her off away from them long enough to warn her of what they were up to.
With her thoroughly warned, we all went off to the pub for a post-gig drink up.
Wasn't too bad in there; we all sat around and had a laugh, everyone was talking to Dani, the drinks were flowing as much as the conversation, Dani and I put the bears into random Kama Sutra positions, all well........that was until that friend of mine I spoke about in my last blog arrived.
I'm still incredibly pissed off with him and Ben doesn't like him at all anymore.
He slinked his way over to our table and just jumped into the conversation, then he tried to get the people I was sitting with to go outside with him and smoke, including Dani who managed to say "That's a bit rotten, ain't it? Shell's gonna end up sitting on her own."
Some people went home - including the friend that gave me one of the teddy bears...he asked for my one back - so we all squished into one of the booths and carried on talking. The friend who likes to ditch then began his usual thing of looking at his empty glass all depressed, sighing really loudly when Ben offered me and Dani a drink, and sometimes reaching over to grab someones drink for a swig when they weren't looking. At one point he asked Dani if she had any cigarettes left because he had none, to which she replied no. All of a sudden, a green carton comes out under the table and he's got four in the thing. I snapped at him, saying "Why don't you go out and buy your own? Or smoke the ones you've already got?"
"I didn't ask her for one."
Ben joined in and pretty much started a full blown argument "Yes you did, we blatantly heard it."
"I asked MYSELF if I had any cigarettes left. I was talking to me."
"That's bollocks 'cos Danielle wouldn't have answered you otherwise."
"She didn't answer me."
Dani "Yeah I did."
Ben "Y'know what, mate, stop sponging off of everyone and ditching when you can't get anything out of it. You're a poncey idiot and we're all getting sick of it!"
I ended up shouting "STOP IT" at both of them. The argument stopped, but the tension was still very much there. Ben didn't bother looking at him the rest of the evening apart from when he thought of a good gay joke.
Another argument broke out a few hours afterward. After Dani asked this friend why he wasn't talking anymore, Ben jumped in and went "Why are you even here?"
He shrugged and that was it, Ben let rip "Y'know we're all in here after being at a gig. MY FRIENDS came to see MY BAND and then decided to go to OUR LOCAL for a drink and a chat afterwards. Where were you earlier? You didn't turn up to watch us play, yet you seemed to just turn up at the pub with us all and expect to worm your way in and steal everyone's drinks and cigarettes. Not only that, but you constantly ditch people who can't give you anything. Shelly doesn't smoke and has no money so you wander off and leave her on her own all the time. Some fucking friend you're supposed to be; this lot treat her better than you do and you're supposed to have been her mate for 10 years or something now. You don't even have the decency to make sure she gets home OK after you go out. I don't care how gay you are, you don't leave a lady on her own that late. Why don't you fuck off out of the group because you're not welcome in with us anymore. You're a twat who quite frankly needs a slap!"

After all that HE STILL STAYED. He ended up coming to Chicken Cottage with the group and everything. A couple of people who felt a bit sorry for him after Ben's outburst bought him food and the moment he'd eaten it he shouted "Right, bye then." and went home.

I was in a fowl mood by the end of the evening. I was annoyed at those two friends for not leaving Dani alone, Ben got so drunk and stupid in the end that he began pissing me off completely, That other friend pissed me off as well (I can't handle being around him anymore, I really can't). To top it all I had NOTHING to eat yesterday at all. I felt so sick by the end of the night and it was too late to make anything once I got home. I woke up this morning feeling like crap and dived straight for a box of Cheerios.

The afterlife of the party.

So I've woken up today after an evening at the party from hell.

It was a triple whammy 21st birthday party between three of my boyfriend's friends and I really did not enjoy myself. For starters, outside of the club, I had a panic attack type fit and couldn't get out of the car. In all seriousness, I physically couldn't open the door and leave...and, on the one attempt at it, the air hitting me and then hearing a drunken scream made me slam the door shut again and start shaking. My mum had to call Ben and get him to come over to the car to walk with me once I'd finally calmed down enough to get out.
Just as he and I were walking away to the club, mum started honking the horn and calling us both back...the car had broken down. So after standing around and waiting for her to finish with my phone - emergency call to dad - we finally got into the club and went straight outside to the back of the place where it was quieter and I could get some air. After many rounds of "Don't overdo it", "If you feel panicky then don't hesitate in getting me to take you home" with a remix of "Only stay if you want to", he had to run off because he'd been asked to take photos of the evening. I went and sat on a grubby old bench with two new-ish friends and another one who I've known for almost 10 years but want to slap because he's being such an arse lately (you'll find out why a bit later).
That part was alright. The weather was finally cooling down and us of the bench were playing the innuendo game; rudest thing won a drink. I can't quite remember what we were all coming out with, but there were mumbles of "good head" when drinking beer, "Mmm...foamy" and "Yeah, I always swallow it down".
We all got moved indoors at 11 because the noise was upsetting the neighbours or something. So into the sweltering club we went, perched at a table closest to the door we'd just been pushed through by the owner because we weren't moving inside quickly enough, and we started throwing rice bags at each other and shouting things in squeaky voices every time my friend's mum called him. Ben kept running over every so often to make sure I was alright, but could never stand there very long without someone shouting "OI, TAKE MORE PICTURES!"

Sounds OK so far...

The people I was sitting with all smoke so, when the urge hit, they ALL got up from the table and left me on my own. All of them knew about the car incident because Ben had told them to help keep an eye on me for him, yet they all left without so much as a goodbye or back soon. I sat there all on my own juggling rice bags for a bit before pulling out my chair to go to the bar, or at least somewhere, just to make sure I didn't look like some kind of pathetic loner, but hearing Ben's voice behind me boom "Where the hell did that lot go?", made me jump a bit and sit back down. He sat with me until they got back then had to run off again to take more photos.
One of the birthday girls, Louise, wandered over to me a little while after and sat on my lap whilst going "Oh, Shelly Shelly Shelly, You're fit...I love you, your my sexy woman, hahahahahaha." she then stuck her face in my boobs. Sounds weird but she does it all the time...although she took it a bit too far when she made Ben come over and take a photo of her with her head in there...and then another photo where the cheeky cow pulled my top down! I screamed, fell backward and tried to yank my top back to where it should have been whilst a flash went off and Ben shouted "SPANK BANK!".
She ran over to the table singing "I love Shelly's boobies I do, there such fun, dobedoooo", then "Ben...Ben...aren't they great. So much fun."
"Yes, I know that, but stop shouting about how fun my girlfriends boobs are to everyone!"

You'd have thought that random act of molestation would have been enough for her to leave me alone but, an hour later, she came back and started again. She pulled my chair out from under the table and started giving me a bloody lap dance and she made Ben take more photos of it...except for he was now filming it rather than just doing the photos. He shouted "Spank bank" again then ran off showing it to people.

Ben tried to get photos of us together but I really didn't want my picture taken anymore. I tried but after three attempts he gave up on the idea. He kept checking the photos back and going "baby, why have you got drunk eye?".
My face is just like that when you force me to smile *sigh*

Things at the table got boring, so they all decided to get up and go for a smoke again instead. The friend I mentioned before, the one I've known for nearly a decade, got up to leave me on my own again so I said "You're honestly just going to leave me here on my own in a room full of strangers? 10 years of friendship vs a cigarette."
He just went "but I really want one" and walked away.
I ended up getting up to go to the ladies then hid in a cubicle for a bit because I was sure I was going to start crying. I had to leave when some woman began banging on the door going "You dead in there or something?"
I ended up going outside and standing in a corner away from the smokers. Ben spotted me there and started fuming when I said they'd left me on my own again. He said he was sick of it and that we were going to go home. Whilst he went off to say goodbye and take a few last minute photos, I sat on a bench near the entrance to try and cool down. That friend of mine walked back in, completely blanked me, must have wandered around for a bit inside the club then came back out going "Oh, no one is in there, I suppose I'll just sit here with you."
It took a LOT of effort to hold my tongue at that point. As Ben came out to find me, so we could leave, he turned to my friend looking slightly concerned and said "All on your own?" I just grabbed him and said "He is. Shame we have to go really, but never mind. Bye."
It sounds evil, but I was so damn angry at him that I honestly didn't care. Ben gave me a "that was harsh" look, but I'm sick of that dude always doing that to me. This isn't the first time he's gone off with other people and left me with no one...it pretty much happens every time we all go out.

Ben and I walked over to the bus stop and waited ages for a poxy bus to come, but it just didn't happen. In the end, one of his friends drove us home.

It doesn't exactly sound like the most awful thing ever, but I don't fare well around large groups of people (especially those I don't know). Couple that to the constant ditching and being groped when I really don't like people pissing about and doing that...well...
I have to see THAT so called friend again today at Ben's gig this afternoon. I doubt either of us will be talking to each other for very long.

Sorry for how ranty and muddled this post is. I've pretty much typed out everything I can remember without much thought to the usual technical doohickeys that go with good writing. I actually don't care at all on this occasion.
Ahhhh venting.


Oh, by the way, shameless plug right here. HA!
http://www.myspace.com/lareblafam

I LOVE these guys...

These guys, I LOVE them.

This blog is a few days late, but I've been too knackered to write much these last few days hence the reason I'm doing it now.
I FINALLY met up with the uni crew on Monday (minus Michael, which sucked a tad) and we went out for food and crazy things.
We all agreed to meet up at Victoria station for 11 in the morning in order to get the tube down to Leicester Square. I decided a bus would be fine enough to get there, so I hopped on a 52 and all was well until I hit Knightsbridge and got stuck in traffic for a verrrrrrrryyyyyy long time. So I'm getting on for being 15 minutes late as I finally get to the station and then have no idea what-so-ever as to where around the station were were all supposed to be meeting at. That was fun...all of us trying to find each other via the magic of the mobile phone.
After we all finally found each other, we went on to the Square and into TGI Friday (passing the set up for the Batman premier along the way). There were many photos taken and cheesy nachos eaten whilst waiting for our orders. I had a BBQ Chicken Salad thingum with fries annnnndddd a lovely slice of a chocolate orgasm known as the Chocolate Fudge Fixation. HEAVEN!!!!
After munching, we went off to Hamley's toy shop - via a detour into Lush where Abi nearly ate a bar of soap - to have a play about with the teddy bears, dress up as playboy rejects and molest a giant Robosapian.
We soon all parted ways and, because of yet more traffic, it took me two hours to get home. *sigh*

It was brilliant seeing everyone again after such a long while. It needs to be done more often really, with our missing person back with us!!! It's just not the same kinda crazy without Michael singing his 'Single celled amoeba' song.

ANYWAY...

Anything else for me to say?
No, not really...oh, aside from a little 'My pill is fucking me up-date' (see what I did there?).
Urggggggghhhhh, it's making me feel so hungry now that I can't cope with it. Even after I've just eaten I feel like I've not had enough. I was at my Nan & Granddad's house earlier and had to leave so I could go home and eat something before I felt too sick (ended up being an apple, but I do feel much better for it). I'm trying so hard not to fuck up and eat more than I should but it's getting harder and harder now. The extent of how hard I'm trying: porridge makes me retch, even just the smell of it, yet I'm having it for breakfast every morning just to get some slow release stuff going on.
I also wish I hadn't stopped drinking (too many extra calories) because the whole pill side effect thing is stressing me out...I used to gulp a glass of something when stressed but can't now.

I've been completely alcohol free for almost a month now. People in my boyfriend's group of friends are trying to make me drink but I refuse. We've got a birthday party to go Friday evening and I AM NOT letting anyone get me my drinks because I KNOW they'll have some kind of boozy poison poured into it.

Wish me luck on that one.

And now I shall I leave you with this...

Currently in love with...

THIS SONG:


I feel like having a bop around my room every time I hear this song lately. I constantly have it on repeat in my room and if David Bowie still looked like that then I would jump on him quite readily (eye patch and all!!!).
I'm having a Bowie phase right now I think. If I'm not playing Rebel Rebel then I've got his other songs on and keep watching Labyrinth.
Oh well, I'm enjoying it!

THIS PHONE:

I just renewed my contract with 02 and I fought so hard to try and get this phone, but it just never happened. I managed to get 400 minutes and 1000 texts a month for the next 18 months but I only have to pay for the last 4 months worth of it at £35 a go. My parents are paying that off for me though as a 23rd birthday pressie next year. I WILL try my hardest to get my hands on this phone though...it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine...

SPACED:







I'm letting the clips speak for themselves. One of the BEST SITCOMS EVER!!!!!

BRITAIN'S MISSING TOP MODEL:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/missingmodel/

CAESAR SALAD:

I'm addicted to this at the moment. The low fat variety. I crave it...mmmmmmmmmmm so nice!!

LOVE:

We're still ok...HURRAY!!!!!!

That's pretty much me at the moment.
XXX

Oh, to be woman (part two).

In refference to an older post which can be found here: http://get-thee-to-an-asylum.blogspot.com/2008/05/oh-to-be-woman.html

So I finally decided to just take the damn thing and started the first pack a few days ago. I figured that I'm only a 2 minute walk away from the family planning service if I felt anything go wrong and getting pregnant could carry the same, in fact even more, risks (plus, y'know, an extra person).
So far all that's happened is that I've started getting odd headaches and the increased appetite thing seems to have started today now too. I felt sick from hunger when my alarm went off this morning, so I went off to the kitchen to have my lovely low GI breakfast (I've started a low GI diet to try and combat this hunger thing). I felt soooo much better after...well, for about an hour after but then the hunger started to come back. I've been trying to fight it off with blueberries and water so far. Not quite working...
I'm hoping this goes away after a few cycles or that I just get used to it enough to know how to fight it.
I did think that it made me go all weird lately: I was clumsy, confused, kept drifing off and wasn't able to concentrate but I'm now just putting that down to not getting enough sleep 'cos I had a better night last night and now don't feel so "woooaaaahhhh maaannnnnn."

In other news, I FINALLY got my Romanticism mark for Lit: passed with 58%.
It's not the best, but it's quite good for me especially since I missed so many classes. This means that I'm all set for going into my third year of uni in September.
Now that worry is out of the way, I just have to try anf focuss on getting my summer reading done because I am S L A C K I N G.

Schizotypal.

There's no change to how I'm feeling since the last blog. If anything it's gotten worse.

Right now I just want to sleep, but that's near to impossible for me lately. I just lay there gazing up at the ceiling wishing - longing - for that dizzy haze to come over me. For my eyes to become heavy and shut the day away but it never comes.
I ended up spending the entire night with a David Bowie play list on repeat unpicking strange meanings and images.
Worst part is that I can only feel three things right now: sadness, anger or numbness. The last one set in yesterday and just hasn't budged. I had phone conversations in monotone, I walked into the door frame and don't know if it hurt or not even though there's a nasty bruise on my leg and a smaller one on my arm. I'm pretty sure all of me aches but I'm having trouble feeling it.

I wish I knew what to do to feel better.

Just the way I'm feeling...

I currently dislike life.
I currently don't want to live it.
I think bridges or jumping in front of cars looks tempting.

Right now I feel so bloody alone it's ridiculous.
I'm fast running out of friends and the people who are still apparently around just ditch me and fuck off to do something else. Even my boyfriend carted me off on other people so he could go and hang around with others last night. In the same bar yet I was pretty much forced by him to sit away with a bunch of women I didn't know properly so he could run off and act like an arse with his 'boys'.
One of my supposed best friends of about 10 years was also there...he said a quick hello then ran off to be with other people and didn't speak to me again for the rest of the evening.
A bunch of other people who are supposed to be my friends didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was there even though THEY KNEW I was. They came to the table and said hello to everyone else but me.

My best friend enjoys getting drunk, stoned and laid more than she enjoys even staying on the phone with me for longer than 5 minutes to talk about anything other than her doing those three things.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???????????????????????????????????????

I don't feel like I'm wanted or worth bothering with anymore. No one seems to want to talk or even hang around with me and I can't understand why or what I might have done to cause it.
It's getting so lonely. I have no one to talk to, I have no one to see or go out places with. I sit at home almost every day feeling like I'm stagnating. I end up spending my days crying through boredom, frustration or because I feel so low that even thinking about moving hurts.
If I could just understand what it is I've actually done to deserve to be treated like complete shit by people - other than always being nice - then I'd accept this more.

It's all screwed up. Really.
On top of everything else going on I'm now losing the very few people who could have actually helped.

Books, books and more books!!

It's that time again, boys and girls, where the last dregs of my student loan are being splashed on more books than I'm ever likely to read!!!!
I ordered a bunch from Play.com and Amazon over the last couple of days, and I also splurged about £20 in Books etc yesterday morning.

I bought the complete collection of Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales. I'm really happy I managed to find this book because I LOVE how the tales have been written. None of this sugar-coated Disney crap. Princesses get beaten, good and bad die, there's violence, sexual references...all sorts.
If you've never read these tales then I'd strongly suggest you give them a go. You get to see some of the origins of tales you know and love - although don't be surprised if events don't go the way you remember - and get a stronger idea of how to write or twist your own short stories either using the tale as the template or just picking out intertextual references. In many cases these tales have been placed after the Bible as literature of great importance (if you're a writer who hasn't read the Bible then you need your head checked). If you like these then I'd suggest you give Perrault's Fairy Tales a try as well. He wrote Red Riding hood, Sleeping Beauty, Bluebeard...There are more, but I can't remember them off the top of my head. They were written as moral tales for children. Red Riding Hood, for example, was about how women should not go off with strange men.
I must get really annoying with this genre, but I LOVE Fairy Tales and all their sinister undertones. Plus the evolution of morals in them. I've got a book of Fairy Tales collected by Angela Carter, a book of tales by Margaret Atwood, photocopies of Perrault's aaaaaannnnddd...

I'm now the proud owner of ALL of Angela Carter's short stories. Most were based on fairy tales but were all given a sensual and rather feminist friendly twist. It's got Nights at the Circus, Love, The Bloody Chamber, Wise Children and Expletives Deleted. I already own a copy of bloody chamber ,back from when I studied it during my A Levels, but it's gotten so worn, faded, battered and annotated that having another copy within this book is more of a blessing than anything. I've got her novel, The Passion of New Eve, to read over the holiday too as part of the whole "read ten novels" homework for the Developing The Novel module at uni in September. I still can't quite get my head around that Weekend Novelist book which really sucks since I'm supposed to be doing the exercises from it. Oh dear!

As for the books I've ordered, well, I'm eagerly awaiting the following:

The Beginning Theory one is a boring text book for the Fiction and Innovative Form module, and I've read The Great Gatsby before but gave my copy to my aunt who loves it so much she won't give it back, so I've had to buy it again.
I'm REALLY looking forward to reading Ali Smith. I have no idea why because I've not read anything by them before, but short stories are short stories and I enjoy them. As for Stop in the name of Pants, well, I'm a big kid at heart. I've been reading the Georgia Nicoloson diary series since I was 14 and I *think* this is either the 8th or 9th book out for it now. They're hilarious beyond all belief, even if they are marked as teenage reading. To be fair, I did start out as a teenage reader of them so I've just as much right to find out what happens in the end.

Anyway, I've nagged on enough now. It's time to go off and get the kettle boiling in time for my parents to get back. It's their birthdays so I'm being the lovey daughter and doing the housework, cooking, and making the tea for the next couple of days. Wahoo and all that jib-jab!

Toodles x

P.S Have some links

Grimm's Fairy Tales online: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~spok/grimmtmp/

Trailer for the Georgia Nicoloson film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogBjxasdQR0

Synopsis for all stories in "Burning your boats: http://www.eclipse.co.uk/sweetdespise/carter_a/

We actually made it.

Right now it is midnight; the end of July 1st.
The day that marked exactly 6 months since my boyfriend and I got back together.

Around this time last year, we were on the cusp of breaking up...and then did (July 6th to be precise). That was our 6 month anniversary but we never quite made it because the relationship was ended that afternoon.

This year we actually bloody well made it!!!!!!!
We made it and we're still pretty much ok (bit of a silly argument earlier, but pizza and Family Guy solved that one).

It's not been made a big deal of, it was just mentioned in conversation earlier. I said something along the lines of "Happy six months...now, if you're planning to dump me again then do it before Eastenders starts please."
That got a giggle, then we both fell asleep for a bit. Diddums.

I'm hoping it carries on this way. We've both worked pretty damn hard to keep it working this time around and it seems to be paying off. I'm not saying that everything is perfect or that something bad won't happen, it's just not hanging over like a big grey cloud this time around.

Here's two a few, if not another 6, months more :o)