I currently dislike life.
I currently don't want to live it.
I think bridges or jumping in front of cars looks tempting.
Right now I feel so bloody alone it's ridiculous.
I'm fast running out of friends and the people who are still apparently around just ditch me and fuck off to do something else. Even my boyfriend carted me off on other people so he could go and hang around with others last night. In the same bar yet I was pretty much forced by him to sit away with a bunch of women I didn't know properly so he could run off and act like an arse with his 'boys'.
One of my supposed best friends of about 10 years was also there...he said a quick hello then ran off to be with other people and didn't speak to me again for the rest of the evening.
A bunch of other people who are supposed to be my friends didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was there even though THEY KNEW I was. They came to the table and said hello to everyone else but me.
My best friend enjoys getting drunk, stoned and laid more than she enjoys even staying on the phone with me for longer than 5 minutes to talk about anything other than her doing those three things.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???????????????????????????????????????
I don't feel like I'm wanted or worth bothering with anymore. No one seems to want to talk or even hang around with me and I can't understand why or what I might have done to cause it.
It's getting so lonely. I have no one to talk to, I have no one to see or go out places with. I sit at home almost every day feeling like I'm stagnating. I end up spending my days crying through boredom, frustration or because I feel so low that even thinking about moving hurts.
If I could just understand what it is I've actually done to deserve to be treated like complete shit by people - other than always being nice - then I'd accept this more.
It's all screwed up. Really.
On top of everything else going on I'm now losing the very few people who could have actually helped.
6 years ago