I need help. I'm going to go to the doctor and ask if I can be reffered to someone at the mental health centre again. I can't see this getting better through any of my own doing. I know she'll send me back straight away because of eveything that happened the first time around. I'm still put down as severe on her computer. I hated it there but at least I got some help and someone new to speak to.
I can't live like this.
I really need to speak to Ben about this as well, but I don't know how. He doesn't quite know about the details of my condition. He just knows that I have something that makes me a bit mad.
It was great to get back to uni yesterday. The summer holiday was TOO FUCKING LONG!!!!! That was well over 4 months of no money, no friends around and sheer bordom setting in.
I woke up at 6am to get ready and leave at 7. I had stuff ready to make sure I survived the early wake-up: tea, so much cerial I could have exploded, another cup of tea, maximum dose of my painkillers (for the impending headache and my still swollen knee), my iPod with Avenged Sevenfold turned up to almost full volume and money for Lucozade once I actually got on campus.
The journey was about the same as always apart from I got two busses instead of just the one to save my leg. I was sat on the first one for AGES because the driver was too early or something and had to stay at that stop until he was closer to time. Nothing much happened on the second really, apart from hitting the school run and being stuck in traffic with some pervy man smiling, waving and blowing kisses at me.
Finally met up with the uni peoples and the first thing I thought upon looking at my fellow misfits was Woah...Michael's hair has grown! then the rest of the "Awwww, I missed you guys." stuff came out.
We found our room - complete with cold draft and massive disco ball hanging from the celling - then Manda, Michael and I sat around wearing bunny ears (kept having to take mine off...MAN, THOSE THINGS WERE ITCHY!). What's hilarious is that no one pays any attention to the silly headwear and the green stickers plastered about our faces anymore. There used to be odd stares and a bombardment of questions from classmates and lecturer alike, but now we get hellos and have conversations that are otherwise normal. It's brilliant! Manda also brought cookies!!!!!! That was even more brilliant.
The lecture was as dull as ever. That's what you get when you do a subject grounded in a literary theory base rather than a creative writing one. Seriously, it was like being in one of my lit classes but having friends by my side for once. At least, with the other english lit professors, the've all written some kind of book before but the dude we have, Simon, hasn't!!! He has no idea of the processes involved. How the hell is he supposed to teach us anything usefull? I'm pretty much in for a whole term of lit this year "sigh*
When that FINALLY ended, we all went off to the bar for a drink and a chill out. I had a snakebite...mmm...how I've missed those. Nothing much to tell on that front. It was just nice to see friends again after so long. Especially Michael because the last time I saw him was waaaayyyy back when we went to the zoo. Not good. I would have stayed longer but had to get back home in time to meet Ben.
I've got another 6am wake-up on Thursday for my postmodern plunder class. Not looking forward to it...a class all on my own...but hey. I've studied the first two texts we're going to be looking at before so that's one less thing to freak out about.
Anyway, I shall leave you with a song I am LOVING at the moment: A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold. They're one of my favourite bands at the moment. It's completely wrong and you'll gasp at it, but it's soooo good at the same time. Think Corpse Bride only much more evil and disturbing. Listen to the words and take it in good humour.
I honestly think my relationship has hit the rocks.
I've been keeping this bottled up for a little while but I've not been able to talk to anyone about it. How many times have I said I've needed Emma...?
I don't know what to do. :o( Something is going on with me and it's making me not see things in such a good light anymore.
I've broken off my diet with the biggest bag of minstrels ever, I have my stereo up as high as it can go, I've turned my phone off because I don't want to talk to anyone and am drinking rather heavily (Almost on to my second bottle of wine).
Why am I doing this? Existence seems stupid.
Perhaps I can drink myself to oblivion...let Bowie and Electric Light Orchestra sing me to sleep.
Yesterday I went to Oxford Street to buy myself a new pair of trainers - which are the most beautiful shoes in the world might I add - and got completely sidetracked by the La Senza grand opening. At first it scared the crap out of me because I saw what were supposed to be mannequins moving from the corner of my eye. I then looked properly and it was two women waving at me from the window whilst in their underwear! Before I knew it I was being pulled in to the shop by another lady saying "Come in and look around." They gave me a fragranced bracelet thingy, free sweets and a glass of champagne (well, several glasses...I kept going to different servers). I decided to stay a while and have a look around at all the gorgeous things that I couldn't buy because most of their PJ's only go up to a 16 (I found one 18 in the place but it would have made me look like a granny!). I had a look at the bras and wasn't particularly impressed until one of the underwear clad ladies walked past after taking a break from the window waving, stopped, looked at the bra I was holding and then said "Wow, that colour goes so great with your hair!" then she winked. From that moment I think I blushed so much that I started to emit some kind of light then legged it straight down to the back of the store to join the changing room queue. I was met by a lady with more glasses of champagne and a chatty woman behind me telling me she didn't want to come in but an overenthusiastic lady grabbed her whilst she was looking at the models (sneaky tactic much!). So, yeah, I'm now the owner of a hot pink silk bra with pants to match. What happened didn't quite hit me until I was out of the store. I stood on the pavement and realised that the only reason I bought my new undies was because a half naked person practically told me to...she even gave me a thumbs up as I turned to take one more look before walking to the bus stop. Plying everyone with alcohol probably didn't help much either.
How mad is that? I only went up there for shoes.
I told Ben about my Day and after the initial "How do you always get yourself into these things?", "Why didn't you call me?" and "You're not allowed to perv without me!", he burst out laughing about it all. All that "Why did you fall for it" blah. I know for a fact that if a lady in her skimpies walked up to him and told him to buy something then he would!!
Ahhh well. I do like what I bought, it was just a little unexpected. Anyway, I'm off now to walk to the shops and wear in my new shoes.
So my Dad's pet Mantis Shrimp is now officially freaking me out. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I'll show you a few pictures of this supposedly beautiful thing:
(He really does look like something that fell out of Satan's bottom)
That last picture was of him warning me off after I think I got a weeeeeeenie bit too close to his tank with the camera. We've had him for about three weeks now and I will never understand what possessed Dad to buy him. For starters, he has the strength to punch out of his tank if he wants to - as in completely shatter the glass - and he can break your thumb in a matter of seconds with just one punch if you put your hand in there and he decides he doesn't like it. At the moment he's taken to constantly digging. There are mountains of sand where he's kicked it all up and he starts to swim around and bash things when he realises he can't get any further down (Dad put some stuff down in there to stop him digging down at the bottom glass). What freaks me out most about the thing though, aside from the scary looks and the mass amounts of strength, is the constant staring at me. His tank is right outside of my bedroom door and he sits in his tube gazing and watching me as I come in and out...to the extent of following me around the tank. The moment I stop and look at him, he flares his face and pushes out his scary punching claws at me. I swear he's sizing me up ready to eat me in my sleep! Seriously, in the dead of night I can hear him outside my door bashing things, crushing snail shells and trying to push his lid open (we've taped it down). He keeps following Ben around the house as well. He was looking in the tank the other day and Fido ran out at him without even a warning flare and whacked the tank. As I'm sure you can guess, Ben jumped backwards and nearly cacked himself. See now the other animals my parents buy are cool. We have marine fish, weird worm things, soft corals, seahorses, pipefish...but this thing...URGGGHHH!!!!!
Now to the other tales.
Remember my Grandparent's cat that I was looking after last week? My parents had to take her to be put to sleep today. The tumour on her lungs filled up with fluid again within the space of a week and it just wouldn't have been fair to go and get it drained once a week and stress her out by pushing pills down her throat (Dad still has the scratches on his arm for that!). She was about 12/13 though, so she did have a good run. Rest in Peace Pepsi. My Grandparents want a kitten and keep bugging my mum to sort it out for them since she's studying for an NVQ2 at the Mayhew animal home, but they're not allowed because they're too old. They'd be allowed to take a slightly older cat and re-home it but they're being stubborn and only a kitten will do. Cats can live for so many years and both my grandparents are in their 80's; I wish they'd knock the kitten idea on the head but we all know they're going to find a way of getting one anyway *sigh*
My bank are pissed at me!!!! I've nearly used all of my overdraft up and they don't like it because nothing has been paid in since May. I got a scary letter telling me that if I don't pay it back soon then they want to cut or just take away my overdraft completely. I'm PRAYING that my loan comes in tomorrow - shows you the severity since I'm an atheist - just so I can start to get everything back in order, pay my share of the bills and stop the damn letters!!!
I'm finally feeling a bit more human after stopping the pill last week. I haven't cried in days, my moods are settling back down, the three weeks of bleeding has finally come to an end, my boobs are shrinking back down, the headaches have gone, the phantom morning sickness has gone, I'm not as tired as I was and I can have Ben hug me without my skin crawling again. Just waiting for the swollen leg to keep going down, for my sex drive to come back and for my skin to calm down 'cos the acne monster got me. How would have thought such a small thing could cause so much havoc.
I'm waiting for builders to come and sort my room out. I can't remember if I said it or not, but my walls have been leaking. Whenever there's heavy rain, bubbles of water form under the paintwork. The head builder dude said that they much have done something wrong with the pipe that runs down on the outside of the wall whilst they were removing the scaffolding. When they've fixed the problem, they have to redecorate my bedroom...YAY, FREEBIE!!!
That's pretty much all my news. Ahhh it's good to rant.
It's a horrible thing to say about someone I'm supposed to be so close to but it's true!
We've been friends for about 10 years now and, over the course of the last year or so, she's turned into a really self-absorbed person. Her life revolves around sex, weed and getting drunk. All the time. That's it. She has a son yet still does this shit! I get ditched whenever a man takes interest in her and, when she's kind of seeing them, I don't see her for months because sex and getting stoned are much more important. Then, when they turn into fuck heads who treat her like shit I get weepy phone calls "Why can I ever find someone nice?", "From now on it's all about my son and my Shelly.", "I'm never falling for this again." A week later and it all goes back to what I've just described above.
Over the last few months she keeps calling me so we can go on a night out and catch up, have fun and just generally forget about menfolk for a while. Everything gets planned down to the last detail but, usually about an hour or so before I'm due to meet her, she'll cancel on me and give a lame excuse as to why. It happened last night as well...I called her up in tears REALLY needed a friend to see and speak to so she said she's shopping with another friend but would call me as soon as she's done so we can go somewhere and talk............................it never happened. I was sat and home all evening bawling my eyes out instead having mum try and talk to me, but it was a situation where I needed my friend. I'm so angry because she's done it to me so often now. I just don't know what to do. It feels like yesterday was the last straw, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it from here.
Thing is that I drop EVERYTHING for her. Whenever she's needed someone I've been there; spending the last of my money for travel just to sit with her for a few hours and make sure she's ok. I answer the 3am phone calls and listen to her cry down the phone for hours about how she has no one there for her. When she's been pissed off by something and hurled the abuse at me I've taken it. It seems now though, whenever I've needed her, she just doesn't want to know or says she'll be there but never shows.
One of my good friends is getting married next month. I'm a bit shocked to tell you the truth. I haven't been able to speak to her for the last three months but, in that space of time, she's managed to meet a guy, fall head over heels and set a date. I'm really chuffed for her and it's the happiest she's ever sounded since I've known her - and that's getting on for 15 years now - it's just...like...wow.
It's so strange to think that most of my oldest friends are now getting engaged/married and/or having children. It's just dawning on me now that we really are all grown-ups aren't we? I've been talking to a bunch of other old friends - via the magic of the mobile and the book of face - and they've all gotten their degrees and all but one now have REALLY good jobs, I mean proper money making careers as well as to die for partners, and they just sound so...old and professional and together. I sit there chatting to them still feeling like a grubby kid still dossing and laughing at fart jokes, but it's even happening to me now I sit think about it. Maybe not as quickly but...yeah...
I see myself turning into my mother more and more every single day. Not that it's a bad thing - she's beautiful and hilarious - it's just a strange thing. I sit there working out money and bills for AGES every single day, I can't function without a cup of tea, I hardly drink alcohol anymore...God, I had Ben sitting with me joking around about having kids once I finish my degree and how we should decorate our house (it's only been 8 and a half months...steady on). We have mutual friends who we go out to lunch with to "catch up" and weird shit like that...I've never had mutuals with any of my other partners before. I'm soon to be down on the list for a flat of my own and am looking just in case there are other cheapish places around somewhere, and I'm not looking for it to be somewhere I stay on my own. My parents are saving up things for when I do finally move as have my grandparents. I had to grow up a lot during my gap year anyway, the jobcentre tends to do that to you when you're straight out of college and lost, but I reverted back to being a bit of a scruffy mad-child once I first got back to uni. Now it's my final year the idea of having to go back to the jobcentre soon is back in my head and all the planning money, saving for the future and finding a job is happening again. It feels odd.
Also, a true sign of me finally being an adult...I've started doing the washing up of my own free will.
I have an emergency appointment with my doctor in a couple of hours. I have to get my leg checked out because it hurts like fuck. It was just my knee before, really painful to move and I can't keep it still for too long, but now it's spread down. I normally wouldn't worry that much but "tell your doctor or nurse immediately if you notice possible signs of thrombosis, for example: severe pain or swelling in either of your arms or legs." Lovely bit of info from the Mercilon contraceptive pill leaflet.
I only stopped taking it yesterday and the hormones can take from six weeks to a year to fully get out of my system, so I'm not out of the woods as far as complications go just yet. Bugger.
We're currently looking after my Grandparent's cat. Pepsi. Well, I say she's theirs, but she's the family cat really. I've spent nearly 13 years of my life of seeing her all the time, stroking her, having her scratch the fuck out of me whenever she felt like it. The whole family has experienced the same almost every day of the week since she first sauntered through the front door. What's saddening is that I have to spend her last few days with her now after seeing all that life. She's weak, she's helpless, she can barely move, she won't eat....my parents brought her back from the vet and she could just about walk out of her carry cage. I was sitting there stroking her, listening to her mew at me whilst actually wishing she had the energy to hiss and swipe at me then purr about it. She has a tumor on her lungs that keeps filling up with fluid and how quick it fills back up again determines how long she's got left. The vet drained around 250ml of fluid out of it yesterday...that's the same as a small/medium sized bottle of lotion or around 20 bottles of nail polish (just to put it into something you can visualise). It's heartbreaking to watch her deteriorate like this and it's going to be even more heartbreaking when we have to hand her back to Nan, Granddad and Reggie. Granddad especially.
I really don't know what to do. I sit with her and I've offered to help give her the countless amounts of medicine we were given but, aside from that, I'm lost. I end up wanting to cry when I'm sitting with her.
I am not going to take the new bunch of pills I was given yesterday. Today is also the last day of me taking Mercilon. I was going to go all the way to the end of the pack but I just need to get off of the thing now. I'm going to give my body a break from all the hormones I've put into it and try to get myself back to normal in terms of personality at the very least (I've turned evil, seriously). The packs of Cerazette are always there so if I decide I want to start taking pills again then I can.
It sounds logical to Ben and I. I'll be glad when the side effects start to wear off...it takes a while but hey.
I've been put on YET ANOTHER pill... The doctor has given me a progestogen-only pill called Cerazette. I've no idea if I'm going to start taking it or not though. I think I really want my old self and my old cycle back now. On the other hand, I know that my luck sucks and I'll end up having a little "accident" as soon as I take myself off of the hormones.
Just to fuck me off further, I got another side effect last night...A SCARY ONE!!!!!!!
My left arm started to tingle and eventually went to that horrible sensation you get when your arm starts coming back from being asleep. Y'know, that intense prickling feeling with little flecks of pain spotted around...it lasted for nearly 4 hours. I've hardly slept, I was in so much of a panic about it. That feeling as gone now but has been replaced by a very slight tingle and pains in my fingers. I've read my leaflets and it says to see a doctor straight away if something like that happens, so I'm sorting myself out and going down to the walk-in clinic to tell them I don't want to piss about with my hormones like this anymore.
I have got such a weird feeling that my birthday is going to go completely tits up. To start with, I've had countless numbers of people tell me that being 22 was completely shit for them...family, friends, friends of family, Ben... which just feels like an omen. It falls on a Wednesday which is the most stupidly awkward day in the world for doing anything and band stuff has come up which means that Ben can't see me on the Wednesday evening like we planned and he can't see me the day after either because of a gig he "just couldn't get out of." He said he'd see me the Tuesday before instead and then we'd do something special on the Friday, but there's a strong possibility that the Tuesday isn't happening now either. Another thing: my "best" friend can't see me either now...she made up an excuse about work or something but I know for a fact that she's handing in her resignation in the next week or so and is most probably ditching me for her stupid new boyfriend (sounds silly but sex and weed always wins over spending time with me at the moment). Just to top it all off, I'm still going to be on the second cycle this fucking soul destroying pill!!! I just know it's going to ruin things...it's making me tired, feel sick all the time and all I can do is snap or cry. I cried in a bar yesterday because a song I really like came on(!)
It just sucks that for the whole week, aside from people around me in classes, I'm going to pretty much be on my own.
Sorry for the rant. I feel like crap right now...I'll probably look at this and think "what the fuck?" later.
This is another one of those "ahhh I love him" posts. You're just going to have to put up with it because it's my blog, so BLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHNESSSSSSS to you.
Anyway, like the title says, I suppose I'm quite lucky. My new pill has turned me into a giant mess over the last two-ish weeks and the only person who has REALLY been there for me is Ben. He's cancelled stuff to come and see me a bit more, I get a phone call or text every day asking how I'm feeling, before he gets here he'll ring from the shops and ask if I need anything...or just fancy having anything, he's been trying to make me laugh by making balloon animals (he made a rather freaky dog and a rather drunk looking swan, but it was a laugh...my dog exploded. Tsk), he brought a bunch of stuff over for us to make cookies, I've not been able to sleep again lately so he brought LOADS of DVDs over for me to watch through the night. Best of all is that he's sat there and taken everything I've thrown at him when my temper flares and not let go of me even for a second when I've burst into tears.
I still feel like complete shit, but I don't feel quite so alone anymore. Mum has obviously now told dad that it's the pill turning me into a psycho and not Ben upsetting me because he's been treading very lightly and occasionally pops his head around my door to ask if I'm OK. Mum said she doesn't have much sympathy and knows what she'd do if she was on anything that caused her this much strife...pack + hand = throw in bin. The support is kind of there but it's not the most helpful. I've been such a weird cow to Ben...I'm surprised he hasn't run a mile from me by now.
I hate my new pill............................I really really hate it! I've been on it for 9 days and it's already turned me into an even bigger boobed breakthrough bleeding psycho bitch. Honestly, I feel like crap. I cried earlier because I couldn't decide where I wanted to go window shopping today. All I do is cry or snap at everyone. My Dad now thinks that my strange behavior is down to Ben upsetting me, but he and I are absolutely fine, it's just this sodding pill. Worst thing is that no one actually understands what it's doing to me even after I've explained and Dad just doesn't know I'm on it. He and I don't talk about these things often at all, so Mum is going to try and explain my moods to him with her limited knowledge of what's going on (I've explained it all but Mum has really bad memory loss so she'll have forgotten a lot of it by now). Ben hasn't a clue how it works either so I'm going to have to just throw the sodding leaflet at him the next time he decides calling me "Miss Pissy" when I get into a bad mood.
This is so horrible. Someone please remind me of why I'm even putting myself through this. It's awful...I always swore I'd never fuck with my hormones in this way but I went and did it. What a complete twat!!!!
I've been Little Miss Mood Swing for the last 3/4 days and it's really getting on my nerves now. I know exactly why it's happening and there is no means of stopping it. The day before yesterday I kept chopping and changing between snapping at everyone then crying for ages. I yelled at the freezer and ended up breaking one of the drawers because I couldn't find a bag mum asked me to get, then I sat on the floor bawling my eyes out over how happy I was when I finally found it. Yesterday was supposed to be a nice day: Ben came over with pizza and ice cream and I had the house to myself all day so it was just the two of us faffing about, watching TV and playing Guitar Hero for about a million years. Sounds great, but I spent the whole time feeling overwhelmingly sad and did the mad crying thing a couple of times. I also got very angry ant the game and made Ben take the controller away from me before I broke it. That was horrible because I normally find it hilarious when I fuck up on that game. I got angry that he had to go home then cried when he left...then cried even more when he called me to say his cab was going to take an hour. I'm dreading today. Last thing I want to do is yell at everyone and everything again before crying over dropping a penny.
Promised to call but didn't. Got some crap about an interview over MSN and that I'd be met in the pub later. Not going to the pub. I'm sick of it. Got the usual "Oh, baby, I'll see you when I see you then." So much for "I'm free."
Free tomorrow as well but I bet you wont fucking call me like you always promise to.
Back to only being seen one day a week yet again. Even if that interview thing wasn't happening you'd still pick the pub and getting drunk over spending a little bit more time with me.
This is what I like to call a spoilt brat post. I've been having a look at some new bits and bobs I can get once my student loan comes in (and I pay off my share of the bills, my overdraft, sort out a few more course books and get my new glasses).
I officially feel like crap. I've come to the conclusion that it's a combination of my new pill fucking with my system and the events of the last few days.
For starters, I'm two days into taking Mercilon and within about half an hour of taking it I feel like I need to be sick and I'm getting really weird headaches that come and go throughout the day (one made my ears ring at the same time earlier...was weird). That coupled with what the old pill was doing to me with the cramps...it's already sucky.
As for the events of the last few days. well...
Remember in a previous blog I mentioned that I'd been to a friend's 22nd birthday celebrations down at the pub? Well, I actually had an awful night. I was really looking forward to going but I felt like crap at the end of it ended up getting home and crying myself to sleep. The boys got drunk and were jumping around all over the place. I got hit, had drink spilt on me, was jumped on, had things thrown at me (including a glass bottle!) and one of the girls kept putting a camera in my face the whole time even after Ben had explained that cameras freak me out. That idiotic and annoying "friend" of mine - the poncey one who takes peoples drinks all the time - was there as well but hardly spoke to me, ignored Ben completely and tried to pull my cousin away from me whenever he felt she had been talking to me for too long. He even started to swing the conversation to topics he KNEW I wouldn't want to be a part of (it's hard to join in on a conversation about which barman is the hottest when the only men you actually fancy are your boyfriend, David Tennant and David Bowie as the Goblin king). At one point, I got stuck standing with one of Ben's friends who I absolutely cannot stand (chauvinistic pig, anyone?), who reckons that "Ben picked an odd one" this time because I prefer to be quiet and watch the madness rather than join in too much (mostly to avoid bruises). I do join in, just when I'm actually feeling well and not spaced out on a combo of artificial hormones and Southern Comfort. If that wasn't bad enough, someone outed me to my cousin...that's made me so angry because I didn't want anyone in my family to know about me being bi until I was ready to tell them. Not that she didn't seem cool with it, but it's my information and my lifestyle "choice" no one else's. The rest of the group knew to keep it hushed in front of her, but one person blabbed and I have no idea who it is. Ben said he'd see if he could find out for me, but it's a bit too late to do anything now. Before we all decided to set off home, I pretty much fell asleep on Ben on one of the sofas in the booth we were all sitting in. His band mate jumped over and woke me up. I started to fall asleep in the cab on the way home as well, but a twatty cab driver stopped that one. He overcharged us by about £7 because Ben wanted to take me home safely first and then go back to his estate, but the cabby still tried to take us to his place first in stead. Ben, Me and Jason (friend of his) all yelled at him until he turned around. When he finally got to my road, rather than actually listen to the directions I gave him, he bombed it down the road and missed my turning completely. Ben asked why the hell he did that, and the bloke responds with "I can't understand the woman." Bastard! Ben then told Mr Wanker-cabman that he was going to walk me to my door then come straight back, but as we were walking down the path, the guy turns around and starts to drive off. Jason said he yelled at the bloke and just got "I didn't know I had to sit around...wouldn't have taken the fucking job."
So that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were pretty chilled out apart from me having an argument with my aunt because apparently Ben's job immediately makes him a wanker. I was having NONE of that...
Next big event type thing was on Monday. It was Ben's friend's 20th Birthday and we all went out to TGI Friday's in Fullham to celebrate. I was already incredibly nervous because I find it very difficult to eat in front of people I don't know very well, but Ben made it even worse for me when we finally got there. He didn't mean it and forgot that I have problems with things like this, so I got an apology as soon as he realised what he'd done, but I still can't get it out of my head even now. We sat down and looked at what we wanted to order and, when Ben asked, I said I was going to have a chicken salad then he looked at the price and started yelling. Stuff like "£8 for a salad. You're not eating...when we go home I can get you a bag of it and some cooked chicken in a pack for about £3." and "At least get something big if you're gonna make me spend that much." I looked down and my menu whilst he carried on, the other few at my end of the table laughing along with him, then another one of the party, Louise, had to tell him to shut up because he was embarrassing me. He looked over at me then stopped, saying "Ahhh, she knows I'm only playing." but I really didn't feel like eating after that outburst, even though it was a joke. When he showed me what he was ordering, some huge heifer of a burger, I looked at the price and said "So £12 on food is OK for you, but £8 isn't for me? I'm just going to pay for myself." It was then that his expression completely changed, his stupid grin dropped, and I got all the "Oh fuck...I'm sorry...I was kidding...fuck...you know I was kidding. I said before we came out that money's not an issue. Don't pay, I'm paying...It's never an issue...baby, please tell me if I've upset you. I didn't mean to, I don't think sometimes..." He then grabbed my leg under the table and gave it a squeeze. I just did a weak smile back to him and didn't say anything to anyone for a while after. I couldn't even speak up to order, Ben said it for me and I told him to say it quietly because I didn't want the rest of the table to hear what I was having. When my food got there all I could do was stare at it. I looked around at the other few people I was sitting with to make sure they weren't looking at me before I could take a bite from it and the moment I even thought anyone as looked over me me I stopped, put my fork down and just sat looking at it again for a little while. I tried to join in with conversations, but I ended up feeling so anxious that I could barely concentrate. One of the guys sitting opposite me started waving a knife around and I apparently started shaking at it (I'm scared of blades), Ben yelled at him to put it down or move a few chairs away from me if he wanted to do things like that. I don't remember shaking, I just remember feeling sick when I saw the lights glint off of the blade. We all walked back to the bus stop then everyone else left once we had gotten to the station. It was just Ben and I standing there waiting for my bus. I got about a million apologies again then he started making up songs to try and make me laugh. Worked a bit, but all the feeling anxious had made me exhausted.
I'm still exhausted now. I hardly slept last night because it was all going around in my head. I must come off as such a weirdo to everyone else. I keep getting the feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging...in the worst sense possible. Even Ben seems to have become slightly more defensive of me when we're out with his group of friends. I wish I could shake the feeling that I'm being talked about or having tricks played on me by them, but I really can't.
I think I'm going to go to bed in a little bit. I'm still so so tired and feel about ready to bawl my eyes out again for a little while.
Oh, by the way, listen to this song. It's the only thing cheering me up lately...
24 year old, mentally ill, bisexual, into fetish, loves shoes, hates early mornings, Graduate, comedy addict, laughs at anything, cries at anything, has the best friends anyone could ask for, has a boyfriend, has a dog, has no money, makes no sense.
