I officially feel like crap.
I've come to the conclusion that it's a combination of my new pill fucking with my system and the events of the last few days.
For starters, I'm two days into taking Mercilon and within about half an hour of taking it I feel like I need to be sick and I'm getting really weird headaches that come and go throughout the day (one made my ears ring at the same time earlier...was weird). That coupled with what the old pill was doing to me with the cramps...it's already sucky.
As for the events of the last few days. well...
Remember in a previous blog I mentioned that I'd been to a friend's 22nd birthday celebrations down at the pub? Well, I actually had an awful night. I was really looking forward to going but I felt like crap at the end of it ended up getting home and crying myself to sleep. The boys got drunk and were jumping around all over the place. I got hit, had drink spilt on me, was jumped on, had things thrown at me (including a glass bottle!) and one of the girls kept putting a camera in my face the whole time even after Ben had explained that cameras freak me out. That idiotic and annoying "friend" of mine - the poncey one who takes peoples drinks all the time - was there as well but hardly spoke to me, ignored Ben completely and tried to pull my cousin away from me whenever he felt she had been talking to me for too long. He even started to swing the conversation to topics he KNEW I wouldn't want to be a part of (it's hard to join in on a conversation about which barman is the hottest when the only men you actually fancy are your boyfriend, David Tennant and David Bowie as the Goblin king).
At one point, I got stuck standing with one of Ben's friends who I absolutely cannot stand (chauvinistic pig, anyone?), who reckons that "Ben picked an odd one" this time because I prefer to be quiet and watch the madness rather than join in too much (mostly to avoid bruises). I do join in, just when I'm actually feeling well and not spaced out on a combo of artificial hormones and Southern Comfort.
If that wasn't bad enough, someone outed me to my cousin...that's made me so angry because I didn't want anyone in my family to know about me being bi until I was ready to tell them. Not that she didn't seem cool with it, but it's my information and my lifestyle "choice" no one else's. The rest of the group knew to keep it hushed in front of her, but one person blabbed and I have no idea who it is. Ben said he'd see if he could find out for me, but it's a bit too late to do anything now.
Before we all decided to set off home, I pretty much fell asleep on Ben on one of the sofas in the booth we were all sitting in. His band mate jumped over and woke me up. I started to fall asleep in the cab on the way home as well, but a twatty cab driver stopped that one.
He overcharged us by about £7 because Ben wanted to take me home safely first and then go back to his estate, but the cabby still tried to take us to his place first in stead. Ben, Me and Jason (friend of his) all yelled at him until he turned around. When he finally got to my road, rather than actually listen to the directions I gave him, he bombed it down the road and missed my turning completely. Ben asked why the hell he did that, and the bloke responds with "I can't understand the woman." Bastard!
Ben then told Mr Wanker-cabman that he was going to walk me to my door then come straight back, but as we were walking down the path, the guy turns around and starts to drive off. Jason said he yelled at the bloke and just got "I didn't know I had to sit around...wouldn't have taken the fucking job."
So that was Friday.
Saturday and Sunday were pretty chilled out apart from me having an argument with my aunt because apparently Ben's job immediately makes him a wanker. I was having NONE of that...
Next big event type thing was on Monday.
It was Ben's friend's 20th Birthday and we all went out to TGI Friday's in Fullham to celebrate. I was already incredibly nervous because I find it very difficult to eat in front of people I don't know very well, but Ben made it even worse for me when we finally got there. He didn't mean it and forgot that I have problems with things like this, so I got an apology as soon as he realised what he'd done, but I still can't get it out of my head even now.
We sat down and looked at what we wanted to order and, when Ben asked, I said I was going to have a chicken salad then he looked at the price and started yelling. Stuff like "£8 for a salad. You're not eating...when we go home I can get you a bag of it and some cooked chicken in a pack for about £3." and "At least get something big if you're gonna make me spend that much."
I looked down and my menu whilst he carried on, the other few at my end of the table laughing along with him, then another one of the party, Louise, had to tell him to shut up because he was embarrassing me. He looked over at me then stopped, saying "Ahhh, she knows I'm only playing." but I really didn't feel like eating after that outburst, even though it was a joke.
When he showed me what he was ordering, some huge heifer of a burger, I looked at the price and said "So £12 on food is OK for you, but £8 isn't for me? I'm just going to pay for myself."
It was then that his expression completely changed, his stupid grin dropped, and I got all the "Oh fuck...I'm sorry...I was kidding...fuck...you know I was kidding. I said before we came out that money's not an issue. Don't pay, I'm paying...It's never an issue...baby, please tell me if I've upset you. I didn't mean to, I don't think sometimes..."
He then grabbed my leg under the table and gave it a squeeze. I just did a weak smile back to him and didn't say anything to anyone for a while after. I couldn't even speak up to order, Ben said it for me and I told him to say it quietly because I didn't want the rest of the table to hear what I was having.
When my food got there all I could do was stare at it. I looked around at the other few people I was sitting with to make sure they weren't looking at me before I could take a bite from it and the moment I even thought anyone as looked over me me I stopped, put my fork down and just sat looking at it again for a little while. I tried to join in with conversations, but I ended up feeling so anxious that I could barely concentrate. One of the guys sitting opposite me started waving a knife around and I apparently started shaking at it (I'm scared of blades), Ben yelled at him to put it down or move a few chairs away from me if he wanted to do things like that. I don't remember shaking, I just remember feeling sick when I saw the lights glint off of the blade.
We all walked back to the bus stop then everyone else left once we had gotten to the station. It was just Ben and I standing there waiting for my bus. I got about a million apologies again then he started making up songs to try and make me laugh. Worked a bit, but all the feeling anxious had made me exhausted.
I'm still exhausted now. I hardly slept last night because it was all going around in my head. I must come off as such a weirdo to everyone else. I keep getting the feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging...in the worst sense possible. Even Ben seems to have become slightly more defensive of me when we're out with his group of friends. I wish I could shake the feeling that I'm being talked about or having tricks played on me by them, but I really can't.
I think I'm going to go to bed in a little bit. I'm still so so tired and feel about ready to bawl my eyes out again for a little while.
Oh, by the way, listen to this song.
It's the only thing cheering me up lately...
7 years ago