Well sod you then.

- Hello.
Any reason why you've decided to stop speaking to me?

-The reason is because u said that u did'nt trust me and it hurt.

To be honest I dont have time to waste with people who dont trust me after 10 years of friendship!

Have a nice life. x

-Even though you knew that at that time that I didn't even trust my own shaddow let alone anyone or anything else?

That's reeeaaaaallll nice, dude.

Do you have ANY idea how much you managed to upset me the last few times I saw you?
What kind of friend fucks off and leaves someone to sit completely on their own in a crowded room of strangers so they can go have a smoke with people they've only known for a few hours - if that - anyway?
I got even more iffy with you because you KEPT ON doing things like that!!!

I'm sorry but that's much worse than my illness making me be a bit paranoid about people. After 10 years of friendship you should know by now that it happens every so often!

If you're going to act like such a twat then it's not worth it anyway.

So, yeah, enjoy your life.
Success in everything you do.
Hope your thing with this 'special someone' goes well
I really hope that one day you grow up.

I'm in this kind of mood...

Closer - Nine Inch Nails

It's one of those evenings.
Lack of other half being here now or at all until Monday really doesn't help matters.
*Pulls out hair*


(The monkey in the vid was fine by the way. Peta approved and all that jib-jab).

Meh and such.

I'm so tired.
I'm trying really hard to do my uni work but it doesn't seem to be happening. Problems with the student network mean I can't log in to do the online stuff, I'm having trouble getting all my reading done and I still can't take in my lecture. I've listened to it a few times now but nothing is happening in the head area.
What's worse is that I'm still not really sleeping properly. I end up laying awake thinking about weird stuff. My head is killing me.

Oh, and to explain the weird stuff a little bit more.
Basically, for the last couple of weeks I've had this really weird feeling that I'm going to bump into people from my past. Some welcome and some not.
It's already started. I've gotten two friend requests on Facebook from two family members I've not seen or spoken to in years. Both are my cousins. One I haven't had any contact with in 12 years and another I pretty much disowned about three years ago. They're family members I don't want to bother with because of past events with them...but it confirms my suspicions that I'm going to cross paths with old faces. I'm a little bit worried because there is one person in particular I DO NOT want to see again. Hopefully that's just my crazy head though and it'll end up being some old primary school face or something...

Meh, so I've been spending my time trying to write my homework stories, read set texts and fit in a few episodes of American Dad.

I'm so confused!!!

FaIF!!!!!!

Fucking FaIF!!!!

I'm trying so so so so so hard to do the work. I've listened to the lectures twice, I've read the transcripts a few times over and I've read the activities, but nothing is staying in my head.
I keep getting confused with how many activities we're being given through so many different links and I'm getting so lost.
There's one task I don't understand at all, another one I'm stuck with and another one I want to do but cant find where I'm supposed to upload it...or write it up to...wherever.

I want to give up. My head hurts and I can't fight the urge not the cry anymore.
I really am trying. This is the hardest I've tried with anything and I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck everything up.
I want to be able to take the info in but my head wont let me. Nothing from any class is going in and staying anymore.

My meeting.

I had a meeting with Leone today about my walking out of our FaIF class last Friday. It was to catch up with homework I missed out on and to just chat about what's been going on with me lately.
I'm not going to splurge it all out on here, this may be a public blog but there are some things I can't really share, but she really helped. She listened, offered advice and is helping me with my classes now too.
I need to email her some bullet points on how to treat me in a classroom situation (no quickfire questions is one we decided during the meeting) and I need to email my presentation group to let them know that I have problems and may not be able to speak when it's time for us to present work but that I'm more than willing to work my arse off with research and such. Leone even said that if they're pissed at me for it then she'll step in and help me explain myself.
She is also going to speak to one of my other lecturers, Liz, to let her know what's going on with me and about the presentation thing (although I'm with my friends for that so I'm hoping they know I'm a bit nuts by now).

After a big cry when I got home, I feel ok about it and feel like I can cope a bit. Ben has been with me the rest of the afternoon/evening so that's taken my mind off things a lot.
I'm still pissed about Lush, but am coming to terms with it.

It's going to take a while and I by no means feel better, but at least I feel like I'm not alone. That's always a good start.

Tired and jobless.

I got laid off from Lush today.

It fucking sucks!!!!!!

I get a weeks worth of pay and 15 hours holiday pay.

Aside from Dan being a git, I loved that place :o(

Goodbye cruel (S)LUSH, I hardly knew ye...

So I've heard from everyone else that has been fired from work over the last few days that it's pretty much happening to everyone. One by one we turn up for our shifts only to be told half way through that we are no longer needed and must go. We sign a form about our being released and get paid one week and 15 hours worth of holiday pay. We then have to pack away our stuff, hand back the apron and the badge, then go whilst the supervisors look on astonished at yet another one of us little people walking out gloomy faced.

Head office have given the command. Get rid of as many people from the shop as possible; we can't afford to keep these people. The shop isn't making enough money.

The "sorry, we have to let you go" bollocks hasn't happened to me yet, but I know what Sunday is now going to bring. I've been pre-warned by everyone so I know what to expect when I get called into the office for "a word".
I'm really upset about this. Not simply because I'm going to miss the money, although that will sting,but because I actually liked it there. I liked it there and was able to cope with the nature of it. I never thought I'd be able to have a job where I could quite happily walk up to strangers and chat to them like it was nothing...sure, I'd come home exhausted through it, but it was good.

Fuck.

I'm going on a final spree today. Abusing my 50% discount while I still can just in another branch of Lush. Flash them a payslip and the discount is yours. I think Mum may be coming with me.

He's on the sodding warpath again!!!!!

My boss is sacking people YET AGAIN!!!!!

Gillian spoke to me on Facebook earlier with the news. One of our workmates got the sack at the end of her shift yesterday...for no reason apparently (and that sounds about right). She was brilliant...no one understands why Dan sacked her. She's been on the phone crying her eyes out.
Of course this now means that we're all bricking it once again. I have an awful feeling that I'm for the chop, I mean I've escaped twice now...surely it's going to happen soon.

Argggghhhh...Lush is supposed to stand for fun and ethics, not stress!!! ARGGGGGGGGHHHH MORE!!!!!

I don't give a toss about how I've written this. My brain is frazzled from trying to hit my deadline today.

Oh God, oh God, oh God...

Bloody uni.
I'm not even back there yet and I'm already pissed off with the place.
My deadline is now speeding toward me and I'm just not ready to face it. I've got one essay done, another essay needs about 400 words added and my chapter needs to be thrown on a bonfire!!!!!!
I'm not happy with it....it's shit.

My main character has no personality, one of my other characters has too much personality and the third and final character won't let go of her Gameboy.
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm ill and need about a ton of Prozac...this fucking novel needs to die!!!!!

What did I say when choosing my modules last year? I'm not a fucking novelist.
I'm a joke writer. Fucking hell, why did I sign up to do this to myself?
The only thing I can think of doing is treating my chapter like a short story instead of looking at it as the start of a whole long and stupid thing.

Bless my cousin.

"o....k.... well your the amazing shelly, the mistress of mystique, the dazzling darling of the deadline, you can and will do it i know you can!"

That's cheered me up.

So here's where it currently stands...

Chapter 1 of novel: 1,474 words (Hoping to hit 2000/2,500 by tomorrow evening).
Comparative Essay: 970 words (Hoping to have almost 2000 done by the end of the day).
Postmodern plunder essay: 1,106 (Hoping to have that finished on Friday).


This is what I get for not doing my fucking work when I'm supposed to.
I left myself 1 week to do 3 months worth of work.

Twat of the highest order much?

Damn you, Alex.

Bloody Alex has take over my story like the manic monster that he is!

I told you Alex was really speaking to me. I've been writing my novel chapter today and he's pretty much taken it over with his awful awful jokes - there's one about sucking a battery because it said lithium which I want to keep in - and recitals of Pink Floyd lyrics.
I'm going to have to rein him back in when I edit on Thursday. My poor main lady hasn't managed to get a word in and it's her bloody story. She's supposed to be angry and annoyed at how she's feeling, but she's too busy reacting to Alex to tell everyone what's going on. She does have a name now, even though she's not been able to introduce herself yet (Gemma).
I've got a feeling, even after I shut Alex up, she's still not going to be quite the way I want her to be, she's too nice to be completely pissed off with being the way she is. She needs to be nice but with a "Oh fuck it" attitude as well but I can't quite figure out how to fit it in there.
I'm not happy with Red either even though she's exactly how I want her to be...it's hit me that I'm never going to be able to explain her properly through Gemma's eyes because her problems are far too complex. I change the whole first person perspective thing...it was Leone's idea, not mine, but I don't like not being able to head hop.

God, I've never had a character go crazy on me before (should have expected this really since he's not sane anyway).
Betty, my OAP agoraphobic from WF2 last year nearly did, but I caught her just in time. She was shouting at me for making her son be so cruel and went on a rant but I nipped it.

Hopefully I can sort this before the week is out.

I think I'm getting it...

...My characters for this damn novel have started speaking to me.
One of them, Alex, is in my head nattering away. Red is clutching an old fashioned Gameboy but glaring at me every so often and my nameless protagonist is just standing there screaming at me.

I checked Leone's feedback for the first time a few days ago and had nothing to be frightened of. She didn't diss my idea, she didn't tell me it was too much or tell me it wouldn't work. Her words were "Deeply ambitious" and "Be comical but be kind...one of your characters is potentially dangerous!" then there was a Good Luck type thing written at the bottom.

To fill you in a bit, my novel is a journey into the mind of a 19 year old girl suffering from depression (perhaps dysthemia, I've not worked it out 100% yet but it's getting there) and the two friends she makes in the waiting room of a psychologist's office...that's all I'm saying, but I'm starting to love my "potentially dangerous" Alex. He's in his late 20s, is bi-polar and once stole a tractor because he thought the people in The Matrix were coming after him (his pills were blue). His life's philosophy is that kids need to revert back to when two lines and a dot counted as major technology and having a wank to thoughts of women with 4 breasts was the highlight of the day.

Red is schizotypal so looks very eccentric, doesn't speak very much (it's all over the place when she does) and just wiles away the hours reading, playing her Gameboy and listening to music backwards because she's sure Aliens are subliminally sending messages to us all.

My first chapter will be how they all meet (I just need to find a name for my depressed little hells angel).

I feel like I'm slowly getting somewhere. Might spend some time in a coffee shop somewhere tomorrow writing things.

Oh for flip sake...

Someone go to work for me today. I really can't be arsed with it.

Bed was so warm :o(

BOO!

I've started writing again.
It's not much and isn't happening often. It's not even very good but I am trying.

http://cluttered-youth.blogspot.com/

Happy New Year!!!!

Welcome all to 2009!

I'm already dreading it and today is the first fucking day.
It was such a good day until it hit me that I still have uni work to do and just have to go back to uni anyway (I can't stand it there). The thought pretty much ruined my day.
I went out with Ben and a few friends to celebrate the new year at some crappy pub in Bush. It was decided that we should go there because we go to the same pub all the time and everyone wanted a change. It was so bad in there that we ended up leaving and walking down to our regular pub anyway...there was even a completely empty booth in there, it was like some kind of sign.
Nothing much happened aside from one of our friends, Kayleigh, running up to Ben and I after all the party poppers had stopped and shouted "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!" before jumping on us both with arms flailing.
So, yes, it's our 1 year anniversary today. We celebrated by him crashing here with me, me not being able to sleep because of his snoring (but me also cracking up because him talking in his sleep is hilarious) and because of his random bum grabbing. Yes, he does that in his sleep now. It wasn't even a fake sleep thing...he was genuinely taken by the sandman when it happened, I know this because the third time it happened, it was followed by "Thanks for *snore* cooking, babe *snore*" being mumbled into my back.
We spent the whole day lazing around, watching crap TV and playing Guitar Hero, but he then asked me what days I'm at uni so he can work out when we can see each other during my spring semester. I burst into tears at the thought of having to go back there. I honestly didn't think disliked the place so much until tonight. Ben stayed and extra few hours longer just to make sure I was alright before he left.

Ah well, Happy anniversary to us and happy new year to everyone xx