FFS!!

I feel like I have no room to breathe right now!

I'm so pissed off and stressed out about things at the moment that I need some alone time, but this seems to just not be getting through to some people.
My phone won't stop ringing, as soon as I sign into Facebook I'm bombarded by the chat application, the house is a noisy mess where the door buzzer goes off every 5 minutes...

I want to be by myself.
I want nothing more than to just shut myself away whilst I do my work and not have to deal with anyone (aside from The Mister as he's the only reason I'm even keeping my phone switched on).
I have too much going on right now to want hear someones whole menu plan for the day, or someone else's sickening sex life, or what so and so has been up to in the group, or a blow by blow account of some stupid arse computer game that has just been finished. I don't care...I DON'T CARE!
I'm not even a talkative person - it's a well known fact - why is everyone bugging me?

As soon as my first deadline has passed that's it. I'm hiding away for a little while.
I love my friends and family but I just can't deal with it all right now.

This is tricky.

The other half has been going downhill in mood for about 3 weeks now and today, via a status change on Facebook, it appears he's pretty much either hit the bottom or is close to it now.
He thinks he has nothing to show for his choices and that he's going to be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of his life.
Ok, so it doesn't sound like a major downfall but before this happened he was pretty much the eternally happy one. Always optimistic, hilarious, refused to ever let anyone be too sad in his company...he looked forward to things. Now he's gotten so low he hardly cares when things happen and just carries on for the sake of it. He can't be arsed with his friends and his faith is waining.
Life has been hard lately and I think he's bottled so much up that it's now manifesting itself in this way. Problem is that I have no idea how the hell to try and help him.
I'm in a better position that him mood wise at the moment so am trying so hard to keep spirits up slightly and offer an ear whenever he needs it (day or night for however long...I really don't care!) but it just feels like it isn't enough. I've never experienced him in this way before.

*Doesn't know what to do*

Right, well as most who read me know, I got laid off from Lush cosmetics back in January due to a more staff than money situation.

I got an call from one of the girls I used to work with whilst I was out last night and she let me know of an open interview thing running with another branch tonight at 8.
They specifically want people who have already worked for them somewhere along the line.
I don't know if I should go or not.
Aside from my tart of a boss I did love that place, but if I get the job then I won't have enough time to dedicate to the last major bits of my uni work (I'm a 3rd year and these are my final deadlines so...y'know).

I need money but I don't want to screw my degree either.

I spoke to the other half about it and he thinks I should get uni over and done with because jobs will always come and go. I asked Dad and he thinks I'm being silly and should try and get it to set me up for after I leave.

Stuck much?

I think I just need a holiday.

When my deadlines are through that is.

All this feeling stressed and lost is my body telling me it needs a break...prefferably in a swanky hotel with a cosy bed and big fuck off TV for company.
Actually, it doesn't even have to be a swanky hotel. A bungalow in Skegness would do me well quite frankly.
I'd love it if I wasn't on my own in said bungalow either, but The Mister working in a school means that an hotels and holody places are at their most expensive when he's off on school holidays.
I'll work it out somehow.

On the subject of My other half. He's been hit by a car.
Great.
Told me on Facebook earlier. He hobbled into work and they've made him leave to get to the hospital and have his knee looked at because it is now fudged. Luckily the hospital is more or less across the road from the school so he should be in there now getting it seen to.
He's not catching much of a break lately. My poor baby :o(

I'm not confident about this BOW essay either. I mean I wasn't really anyway, but lack of books needed for it in the library have just sent me into a major panic. I ended up going onto Amazon and just buying the damn things on express delivery (£8.20...I'M A STUDENT!!! ARGGHH!!!).
Fuck knows how I'm going to blag 2,500 words before quotes. I did some vox-pops outside of a bookshop the other day to find out what the public think about short stories and I'm looking at magazines and other places that publish them...I'm going to attempt to make my explaination of "What is the literary market anyway?" stretch out to about 200/300 words (you'd be surprised at some of the stuff I've learnt over my years of being a prize procrastinator).

Had a tutorial with Leone yesterday afternoon which went well. She likes the direction my stories are going in - I just have to work on viewpoint a bit with one of them - and that they were very funny. Not too sure what form I want them to take yet though...I'm trying to narrow it down to either a Wiki page or a box of objects. I did ask if I could write it on a bus door but she said she didn't want me arrested and has no idea how a student can submit a door anyway.
Then she asked if I could possibly make my submission edible but I don't know if it'll stay fresh that long (also, on a random point, I found out she steals our folders that we submit work in if they're particularly nice).

I should have a bath and get dressed really but I can't be arsed.
Oh wells.

Well...

For some reason I feel really lost lately.
Really fed up, like I'm stuck in a rut and...just lost...

I think I need to get out.

So much...stuff...

This next week is going to be rather hellish.
BOW work is due in on the 31st and I've not done a thing for it so far. No sod got back to be with answers to my questions, so fuck knows how I'm going to write 2,500 words before quotes. Bloody Liz...
It does mean, however, that I've had to put other things on hold while I get through all my work. I'm going to have two Mondays free of Ben. Don't get me wrong, I still love him like crazy but having a little breather will be nice. I need to just be me for a little bit and not with the Mister as part of a couple. I'm pretty sure he'll be thankful for a reduction in the nagging as well. Plus it makes things feel a bit better when we do get to see each other again. We're stuck in a little rut at the moment and things like this help us appreciate the company and stuff...if that makes sense.

Had a strange conversation with Leone yesterday morning before class.
A few weeks ago she set us a piece of homework where we had to write something raw. Something from a dark and painful place inside that we then had to put on the page and try to be brave enough to show her...or someone.
When I first gave it in she read the very first line then came over and gave me a hug. Since then I've been a bit nervous and wondering if I took what I wrote a little too far.
Anyway, whilst it was just me in the room yesterday, she came over and sat with me. Didn't say anything at first, she just watched me go through my presentation notes. She then broke the silence by saying "I've learnt a lot about my class through the raw writing you all did."
I sort of smiled...I think...didn't really know what to say to that. She then went on, "Some of the best writing I've seen from you guys, but there's one I really clicked with." then she nodded at me.
She went on to say that as a piece of writing it was brilliant and that, even though it's not a comfortable voice, I'd do well to use it a little more sometimes. After that teacherly nod of approval she then went on to explain "It was that good because I could feel it...not only that, but I have felt it. It's very familiar and that's what made it so uncomfortable. You sound like me when I was your age."
I can't remember a lot of it after this because I stated to feel a little odd, but she basically said that she was very worried about me, that having a voice like this at only 22 is a concern. She wanted to know if I had any support outside of the university and if I've ever considered some kind of help for things. I explained the mass amounts of therapy, being locked in the welfare office in 2007 and told her that I can't be arsed with it anymore. I'm here and I get on with things as best I can and it's all I intend to do. After that she said that it's slightly above and beyond her duty but that if I ever need someone to speak to then I can drop her an email...even after I've left university and gone off to do whatever. She wants me to keep in touch with her.

It's just weird. Nice, but weird...
There's only ever been one other person who was this supportive and that was one of my English teachers at college when I first found out I was ill. I feel a little bit bad that I've not gotten in touch since I first got into uni. I might drop him an email.

Yus Yus!

The antibiotics have now all been swallowed up and I'M FREE TO DRINK MYSELF STUPID ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!
Oh, sweet sweet alcohol, how I've missed you.

It's great to be well again. No more pissing fire and living off cystopurin sachets mixed in cranberry juice.

The final step to feeling 100% better...DYING MY HAIR PURPLE AGAIN!
I just have to wait for mum to chill out for a little bit then she said she'd help me coat my head in Herbashine (which I really hope works out well as I've never used it before).

Then I have to tidy so everything is nice and not cluttered up in time for The Mister tomorrow afternoon. I miss him like mad and it's the last time we'll get to spend any time together for the next two weeks (excluding the gig at Punk on the 25th but even then I'm just there to see the band play and then I have to shoot off).

Ideas are even starting to flow for my uni work. All I have to really do now is contact my partner and sort out our presentation for Friday.

Life feels alright at the moment.

Not long until I'm back.

The me I'm a lot more comfortable with.
Since early December I've been trying to grow my hair out (promising only to trim my fringe and take half an inch off to stop split ends) but I looked at myself in the Mirror on Thursday and the longer hair just made me feel uncomfortable. That and the colour of it made me cringe.
I've booked a hair cut for this afternoon with my lovely hairdresser LuLu and I'm going to dye it tomorrow evening. I can't be doing with the wildness and the brunetteness any longer Purple it is!

I'm hoping that'll make me feel like my old self again because I've just gone a bit off lately.
I think it has to do with being on a million antibiotics and the stress of looming deadlines. Plus I'm still feeling a bit queasy at the thought of my cousin and that...man...yuck!
Missing my other half also isn't helping. It's getting worse and I know the two week "No seeing you or I won't get any work done." is going to eventually drive me mad.

I treated myself to some new clothes yesterday. Not much, just something to tide me over until I can afford a few more things. I also gave some money to Comic Relief...the films they showed last night had me in tears.

Gave the dog a bath not long ago so I now smell like a bottle of Bob Martins and am covered in fur.

I'm just moaning a bit now.

Oh my achey everything...

In an aid to get a bit more healthy, I've started exercising.
Since I can't afford the gym, my instructor has taken the form of Honey Kalaria in a Bollywood workout DVD.
It's knackering...honestly!
I'm great with the warm up exercises (even with the limited space in my bedroom), but the moment she speeds up I get 10 minutes in, lose my balance completely and fall over.
I got further through the routine than I did a few days ago which is promising, but God it's hard.

Hoping this works really otherwise I've given myself backache for nothing.

In other news...I still have that damn infection.
I've got another course of antibiotics to take to try and get rid of the bastard once and for all. I've been on them for two days now and I think they're starting to take some effect.
My pill is starting to piss me off a bit...I'll go into that when I can be arsed.

Goodnight for now xx

That's enough faffing around now...

I've just been given my lowest mark in uni since I started at that place.

I got 54% for my close analysis on The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time and it has come as a bit of a crushing blow.
If I don't pull myself together and stop being a lazy cow then I might actually be able to pull myself away from the looming 2:2 grade that my third year is pushing upon me.

I want my 2:1. It's not impossible.

I may do work very close to deadline but I work DAMN HARD to get everything done. I really slogged my guts out for that piece of work and it only got be a crappy 54 mark. I need to read more.
You're probably sitting there going "Oh, but it's okay because you passed."
It's not okay.
It's okay for other people who haven't been seen as slow or stupid or as an idiot most of their life, but I have a point to prove.

I need to knuckle down because I don't want another mark like that pulling me down to something I could have avoided. I need to WORK HARDER THAN EVER!!!!!



On a happier note: my uncle is finally out of prison. I'm looking forward to seeing him again just as soon as this damn degree finishes and I get my life back.

A brief note...

I'm never going to be able to look at Milky Bar buttons in the same way ever again.


Goodnight xxx

Oh that's just great!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I had to call the doctor today to find out my test results from Tuesday's appointment. She's put me on the wrong fucking antibiotics.
I knew it...they've worked a little bit but I'm still nowhere near better. I've not been able to go out and I've barely been able to sit through my lectures (that's if I even manage to make it in for them).
I'm having such a miserable week and this has just put the cherry on top of the whole sorry excuse for a cake. I have to go through another week of antibiotics, another week of discomfort and another two weeks of my pill not working all because the stupid twat of a doctor fucked it up.

I'm going to the walk-in centre from now on. It takes a while to be seen but at least they do their job.

Blimey.

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with
darkness?
Corinthians (I've forgotten the numbers.)

We had a snappy argument type thing over Religion.
That has never, in all 3 years of us knowing each other, happened before.
When we first met it was "Oh, I'm a Christian, I play in a worship band and stuff...you alright with that?"
"If you're comfortable with me being an atheist then it's all groovy."

We were on the phone and it somehow just cropped up. He got snappy and said all it would take would be 10 minutes of him speaking and I'd run back to Church awaiting forgiveness.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Firstly, no I doubt it. 10 minutes of big words will not do it. He seems to forget that I grew up with all of that Church and God stuff and I now don't believe it for a reason. I'm very happy with the choice I made and feel it's the right thing for me.
I thought that was accepted? I accept and respect what he believes.


That was just weird.
It was about 10/15 minutes of snapping then it died and he started a new conversation about what our pervy friend has been doing on Facebook.

Lets hope that one doesn't happen again.
My days of arguing over something as diverse as spiritual beliefs are well and truly over. Live and let live etc

Dreams.

I had a weird one last night.
Not about exploding pigeons, flying kettles or talking shoes...it was a different kind of weird.

I used to have a friend. Someone I eventually got very close to a long time ago.
We don't speak anymore - my choice, too dangerous - but this dream was just he and I sitting a blank room and talking.
We yelled at each other, I cried, I threw things, he turned his back and refused to speak, when he actually did it was in strange metaphors that I couldn't work out.
Then all fell silent. A tear rolled down his cheek and he began to disappear. Something he once said to me echoed around the room and then he was gone. Completely.
I was left in the room crying then felt someone hugging me and stroking my hair. I never saw their face but I'd recognise the grip of his hardened guitar strumming fingers, the light voice and the aftershave anywhere.

I firstly woke up feeling really sad that the final hug was just part of my dream and not my Mister laying by my side, then a sense of loss kicked in.

It's left me feeling very strange.

It would be a massive lie to say that I don't miss my friend every now and again. We did have some fun times and I often wonder what he's up to if he's happy.
I hope he's happy.

Everyone I want in my life right now I have. I'm the happiest I've been in a while.
I think this dream was a small moment of nostalgia mixed with my head perhaps making its peace with the last few things that were never said.
Either that or my antibiotics have the same effect as too much cheese.

Why again? WHY?

I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for go for a doctors appointment.
It's going to be a painful walk there and then to the chemist...

...I hate bladder infections.
They're happening too often now.

I didn't want to miss my literature class today. I love the book we were going to talk about but my appointment is at 12 and I don't think I'll make it comfortably through a 3 hour class.

Bollocks :o(