Monday, 2 February 2009

Further annoyances.

To carry on from my last update, there was more of the same via my Facebook inbox.
I didn't make it clear who I was talking to in that was Nicky.
Think back to that "friend" of mine who kept getting up and leaving me on my own to have a smoke, taking other people's drinks and just turning up to things without an invite. That's him.
He started ignoring me completely ever since I was too sick to make it to his birthday and I wanted to know why (I was in a fowl mood, otherwise I'd never have bothered asking).
After those initial messages I showed on here, the conversation went further. He swears that he always asked me if I was OK with him leaving before he did, that I've changed for the worse since I got back together with Mister and that I'm a cow for hurting him and saying I didn't trust him (to explain that - my illness has taken over as of late and when it gets bad I turn into a paranoid mess. I'm wary of everyone, think people are plotting and out to get me and just generally go a bit mad. He's seen me go through this many times and I was under the impression he understood that when I come out with things like that I don't mean a word of it).
He also said that I'm a user and have probably never really cared about him.

OK, I'm not without my faults and I'm not blameless in this whole friendship breakdown (my problems make me very selfish at times). I am, however, genuinely upset at the fact that he thinks that I'd "use" him and not be a true friend...over the span of 10 years!! If I was that kind of person would I have really stuck around for that amount of time?
I used to sit and listen to him when he was upset and needed to talk to someone, in person when I could and online well into the early hours of the morning pretty much every other day even though I had to be up early for college and work. I'd try to help and give advice knowing he'd go off and not listen yet still be there to pick up the pieces when things went wrong. When I first came out I wasn't comfortable talking about my sexuality at all, but because he was having similar problems I used to answer every question about it he threw at me because I wanted to help.
We'd go out to parks and pubs and have a laugh, singing to bar staff and laughing at children falling over their own laces. We'd talk about what we were writing and share books we loved.

He used to do the same for me before he turned into an arse.

Would someone who didn't care do that?

I honestly don't think I've changed that much. Not enough to infuriate someone into acting like such a twat toward me.
I'm not a cow. I can be a bit horrible sometimes, and that's not being ill that really is just me having a crap temper, but a cow...that's a little harsh.
I like the small changes that have happened. I don't hate myself, I'm more confident, I'm less of a doormat, I understand who I am, I'm able to do things for myself a bit that bad?
He's the one who has changed in a naff way. He never used to run off and leave friends just to have a smoke with people he's just met, he used to think taking without asking was wrong...arggghhh. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
He wormed his way into Mister's group of friends and managed to piss them all off. They even started avoiding him at one point...going round each other's houses to drink instead of the pub.

We're both just not right for each other as friends anymore.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm still a little upset at the not caring comment.
If you're in my life then I care about you. Simple as. Especially after 10 fucking years!

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