MUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVE

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD TO OWN THIS!!!
DAVID BOWIE...£20 IN EVANS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HA, yeah right!!!

"Pop in and sit with one of their expertly trained members of staff to
discuss your skin and hair care needs."

I've been looking at the Westfield website and laughing in a rather painful way at the above quote. It's from the small little description of our shop but I can safely say that we are soooooooo not expertly trained. I'm pretty much bricking it because I can't remember what masks go with which skin type, our "3 lovely things" rule where we need to list 3 things only about our products to the customer so we don't overload them, there's so much haircare that I'm confused...

Bollocks to being expertly trained. I don't even know how the work the tills yet.

http://uk.westfield.com/london/find/detail/store?category=1732&retailer=35604

Currently chugging Lemsip...

Contrary to what I said to my friends earlier, about not being ill and my sore throat just being due to the fact that Lush's perfumes tend to burn, I think I may actually have something.
My nose is becoming increasingly gooey and my head feels like Mr T has whacked me with one of his chains.

Perfect end to a perfectly poo day.

Uni was crap.
My lecturer is a complete wankstain. He got really rude to me and my friends today. All I did was ask a question about what we were supposed to be doing in our groups then, because I didn't see the point, I made a suggestion as polite as I possibly could (whilst trying to stop my voice from fading completely) but before i had chance to finish he cut me off mid sentence, talked down to me like I was some kind of naughty school child then walked off to the next table.
I'd complain but that never usually gets you anywhere.
That really has made me feel like crap.
To those that don't know, I have something called social anxiety disorder. It's basically a phobia of being watched, judged and criticised by other people. It means I'm never sure of myself when I speak for fear of sounding like a dumbass, I have a really hard time speaking in front of large groups of people, I have a hard time reading/listening to feedback about my work (if it's bad news I feel like crap; if it's good news I don't believe it and feel like crap) and feel completely devalued if people don't even give me my chance to speak when it can finally happen. After anything like this has happened, a negativity circle starts where I replay the whole thing in my head and analyze it until the point where I feel like my head is going to go KABOOM! It can take days/weeks/months/years/forever to stop analyzing...it depends on how major the situation was.
So him talking down to me and cutting me off has made me not only feel like an idiot, but and idiot who shouldn't be in that class because I'm obviously of no worth to him or anyone else in there. I must have done something wrong. I also have clinical depression, so I feel so stupidly low about everything now even though life isn't that bad right now.

I've had the Mister here since 4 and explained what happened to him. He was sat with me for ages trying to break that damn circle but it's still whizzing around my head. Hoping my sleeping pills will kick in soon so I can get rid of it for a weenie bit.

Mental illness hinders so much. Mister and I had a talk today because some things are going wrong in the relationship again and he told me why we don't go out so much. He doesn't want to take me anywhere too busy and without plenty of exits because, when we're out, he's constantly worried that panic attacks are going to start happening in an awkward place we can't get away from so easily. He said he wanted to take me to a restaurant on a boat as part of my birthday thing but cancelled it last minute because he got worried about me freaking out but not being able to get off the boat and he remembered that I have problems eating in front of people.
I have now explained that I hardly ever do things like that anymore (last time he saw it was waaayyyy back in March during one of his gigs) and we're going to try and go out just the two of us for a little bit soon. He invited me along as his +1 to a friend's birthday on a barge thing but I can't go due to work.

Anyway, I think we've sorted a few things out now. Still stuff to talk through, but we're getting there.
Most of the evening was spent watching comedies, me trying to sort his ragged nails out and him trying to cheer me up after what happened at uni today. I got the "You're not stupid, I doubt you were rude, of course you deserve to be there" talk, but I'm finding it so hard to believe.

A Lush Life: Part 3

Today was my last day of training.

We were all in the Kingston branch this time, so we could have a rough idea of what our store will be like (a bit like a witches kitchen).
I met most of my fellow lushies at Waterloo station along with one of our trainee managers. We had a mad train ride to Kingston where Tom (that manager I just mentioned), tried to make us sing songs and said some rather crude stuff about some of our products being good lube(!)

We got trained up on skincare and haircare a little bit more and how to link sell products (I can't be arsed to go into that).
We also played with bubble bars a little bit more.
After than it was lunch and we all went to Pizza hut...I refuse to call it Pasta hut!!!!
When we got back we had a Q&A with the manger and trainees then got taken downstairs in groups to learn how to weigh products, wrap them up and work the till (well, some of us missed out on the last one and have to be trained in store.

That was pretty much the day.
I'm just twiddling my thumbs until Saturday now.

A Lush Life: Part 2

Today was my second day of training with the crazies at Lush.
I actually got there half an hour early this time and was greeted upstairs by me new supervisor, Dallas (who was in the interview with me last week...how did she make supervisor?), and two of my colleagues whose names I cannot remember. We sat talking about The Mighty Boosh, Eddie Izzard, Black Books, Offensive ring tones...it was cool.
Everyone else then came up along with another supervisor (I can't remember his name but he does look and act freakishly like Russel Brand. Right down to reading us passages from The Joy of Sex). We all did a few more introductions then played a Mexican wave game where we all stood in a circle, held hands and had to do a sequence of waves depending on what our manager, Dan, did. That nearly broke my arms.
We were then taken off in groups to go down onto the shop floor and have a sniff of everything, talk to each other about our favourite products, have a play with them and pick two of our favourites to take about later on in the session. Unfortunately I keep getting paired up with some 16 year old brat called Tia who has a tiny attention span, is rude to people, moans constantly and ignores other peoples opinions. Reaaaallllyy hoping she grows up a bit over the course of the job because I may have to kill her otherwise.
Groups who weren't down on the shop floor stayed with Dallas and the Brand doppelganger to look at pictures of celebrities, note their body language and suggest products that may be suitable for them based on how they present themselves.
We then ran through store opening times and I found out my hours (although I've changed some). After that, we went through the company dress code: You can wear anything as long as it's black or white, mad piercings and tattoos are allowed, our shoes can be whatever colour and style that we like, nails have to either be completely clear of varnish or varnished very nicely with no chipping, rings are a no no because of demos, hair can be crazy coloured and hats are only allowed if they look rather jaunty (bowler hats are a yes, big fuck off sombreros are a no). They said we all have to look like we use the products but don't need them (a nice way of saying we have to look after our hair and skin for the customers).

After all that jib-jab, we played a bag game. We got into groups of three - me, Gillian and Tia got put together - and we had to put one foot on a large Lush bag and attempt to turn it over to the other side without taking our feet off of it. Whoever did that would win a £1 bonus on top of their wages for that day...in the end he gave everyone a bonus though.

During the lunch break myself, Gillian, Tia, Lucy, Nikki and some other woman whose name escapes me walked around trying to fine somewhere to eat and occasionally ran into shoe shops because Gillian went mad, shouted "SHOSIES FOR MEEEEEEE!" then ran in before anyone could grab her.

After lunch it was presentation time. We all got paired up (I got Tia...AGAIN!) and had to work out how to treat customers with different needs. One group got a pregnant customer, we got someone who has never been to Lush before, another group got a grannie shopping for grandchildren. Tia made me speak...but giving me the most evil look in the universe when I said she should do something because I did he majority of the work in our pair today (I don't think I was asking much to be honest).

After that it was home time!!!!!!!!
Sweet sweet home time.

I've been sitting at home giving mum hand and arm massages.

A Lush Life.

I had my first day of training with Lush in Regent Street today. I got there 10 minutes late because the traffic was hideous and my boss was waiting outside for me hopping and yelling "Hurry up the stairs, I made them wait...go woman!!!!"

I ran up to the store room where there were aboutttt 5 tables full of other new members of staff and two women standing up at the front. Behind them was a table full of Christmas bath ballistics, bubble bars, shampoo bars, massage bars, jugs and bowls of water, a whiteboard, stacks of post-it notes and emotibombs hung around the room like air fresheners.
We were all given a big workbook to take us through the training session with areas to mind map, write product information, draw silly pictures, note down good selling quotes etc
The first part of the session was an intros thing. We had to play something called 'People Bingo' where we all moved around the room and asked each other questions on the sheet. The person with all their boxes filled out with different names won a bubble bar. After that, we were told about the history of the company, charities it supports, how many stores there are world wide.
After that we had a break.
I found out that I used to go to school with one of the girls there. She was in my younger cousins year. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't of ran up to me yelling "DANIELLE'S COUSIN! HOLY FUCK!"
That was interesting...

When we came back from the break we all looked at products and talked about the top notes, middle notes and base notes of the different scents used. I now know that the zesty ones are all speedy top notes which are good as quick fix anti-depressants, helps migraine and hangovers, helps circulation, tones the skin, can ease nausea and speed metabolism.
Middle notes are quite warm and spicy smelling, helps circulation, helps balance skin (mostly combination) and mood, are antiseptic, good for memory recall, calming and pain numbing.
Base notes are the Barry White of the fragrance world apparently. They linger on the skin for up to 24 hours, are warming and soothing, indulgent, aphrodisiacs, can help with stuffy colds, are good for insomniacs, are good for rejuvenating older skin and are great for kids to use because they're calming and gentle.

After that, we went on a lunch break where I found out I knew yet another person there. Her name is Gillian and we went to the same secondary school. As well as that, she's one of the Mister's "friends" (I put it like that because she told me he annoys the fuck out of her). We sat there chatting about school, people we knew and what they're doing now etc.

Product demos were up next. We got taught how to perform hand massages on customers by practising in pairs. We then learnt how to get the most bubbles when doing bubble bar demonstrations as well as dip our hands into the water and smear it all over our arms (I'm now covered in red glitter from that), we were shown the proper way to lather up shower jellies and had to write down the way bombs work whilst chucking them into a bowl on the table.

At the end of the session, we all got given a nice little goodie bag.
Mine consisted of:
- A Jingle Spells bath ballistic
- A Twinkle bath ballistic
- A Mr Butterball bath ballistic
- Christmas kisses bubble bar
- Ruby Red Slippers bubble bar
- Happy hands hand cream
- Squeaky Green shampoo bar
- A small bottle of Tramp shower gel
- Three chunks of soap (Snowcake, Angels Delight and Christmas cake)
- A container of Gold, Frankincense and Beer shower jelly
- Therapy massage bar
- Buffy the backside slayer body butter

It's a good haul...I totted it all up and all those products would have come to roughly £43.

The biggest downside to today was going but forgetting to take my pain killers with me (I'm shocked I could move toward the end of the day. It was agony on the bus) and I ate beef for the first time in 16 years and it made me feel sick. I didn't know there was beef in it...Tia said it was chicken, then added the "oh, and beef" part after I'd pulled a funny face and began to heave. Urggghhh. I can still taste it...urgh...

Another day of training tomorrow. Then again on Sunday.
Hope those sessions are as good as today's.

AGONY MUCH???

Arrgghhhhh save me.
As I said before, I've been twiddling my thumbs waiting for the lady problems to come back for the last couple of weeks. Well MY GOD THEY ARE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!!
I'm in so much pain. It's been like for the last couple of days. I felt rough on Monday, felt like I was near enough dead on Tuesday, the bleeding came yesterday which signaled the start of a whole day of not being able to move aaaannnnnnddd today is going the same way.
I was woken up by a killer cramp half an hour later than I was supposed to get up this morning and, because walking requires a lot of effort, I managed to leave the house at half 8 (for a lecture at half 9). Dad ran downstairs and caught up with me to offer a lift to the bus stop. I walked to it as he was driving off and the bastard stop was closed because of road works, so I had to walk all the way to the next stop.
I was sat there in near tears for half an hour before a bus finally decided to show up. the bus got packed and I stood up for an old lady to sit and that really hurt.
Actually managed to only be 5 minutes late for class, but I left half way through because I had the most horrible feeling that I was going to either throw up or faint...of a nice combination of the two.

I'm in bed with tea and a hot water bottle now. I can't believe how bad it is this time around...I've not suffered like this in ages. Bloody pill.

I hope I feel alright-ish tomorrow. Last thing I want is to be like this during my training tomorrow (I called my manager about that. The email just hasn't been sent out but I got told where I need to be).

Worried much.

I'm supposed to start my training with Lush on Friday.
The bosses said they'd send us all an email before the day telling us where we need to be and what time over the whole 3 days training thing...but the interview was a week ago and, so far, no email has hit my inbox.

I'm now really worried. I've been running that day in my head making sure they did actually say I could have the job because right now I'm freaking out about me possibly hearing things wrong...or not hearing things wrong but them changing their minds. and forgetting to tell me..or something else horrible like that...
But I've been going over it and I can remember being told I could have the job. He asked me to email over my mobile number because it wasn't on the CV, which I did promptly, and that they'd send us a message with dates and times. All of us walked out of there beaming...I wish I took some details down for the other people I was in the interview with just to ask.

If I don't get anything by tomorrow afternoon then I'm going to call one of the managers and ask what's happening. I'm going out of my tiny mind.
I don't think anyone understands how much having a job like this would mean to me. I've not been able to work since I broke down, so to be told I've got something like this especially after all the hard work I put in to getting better...

Arrgghhhhh. Please let me get the email today.

Ah...it makes more sense now.

So, over the past couple of months I have been feeling like complete crap.
I've been putting all this down to coming off the pill and Ben just genrally irritating the fuck out of me, but it seems as though I've been taking something else which could have caused a lot of the problems I've been having as well.
I take sleeping pills. Nothing scary, just herbal ones as a compromise with my doctor because I refused to take the proper ones she wanted to give me (I know herbal stuff can be just as lethal but...well..ahhh I have my own weird reasons).
Anyway, when I first started taking them, NO medical information leaflets were in the boxes and the only things printed on the box and on the tub were "Not to be taken by women in early pregnancy or who are breastfeeding."
I've gotten a new batch today and not only has the packaging changed...but so has all the information. There's actually an information leaflet inside listing side effects and all sorts!!!!!!!
I've found out some interesting things. I'll quote from the leaflet:

1) "Do not take this medicine if you suffer from depressive illnesses.
2) "May cause drowsiness which can persist into the following day"
3) "Possible side effects: STOMACH CRAMPS, NAUSEA, vomiting, gastr0-enteritis, diarrhoea, fever, HEADACHE, palpitations, FAINTNESS.
(The ones in capitals are what I've been suffering with for ages).

So it turns out it's probably not just the remains of the pill fucking with my system. I wake up every morning feeling so tired still that I can just about get up (I also think this explains not being able to stay awake very easily sometimes in lectures), the depression has gotten worse (to the point where a thought crossed my mind that shouldn't have yesterday!!!), I have a constant headache and my stomach always cramps up.
I'm going to my pharmacist next week sometime to ask if there is anything at all that I could replace these with that still stays within my boundaries. I know it's limited but...
I need to keep taking something otherwise the insomnia will come back and that's almost as bad as feeling ruined through taking these things.

This on top of the new contraceptive pills I'm due to start taking as soon as my period finally deicdes to get here (nearly two weeks late *sigh*).
I don't do myself any favours really do I? Fuck.

Only Manda will fully appreciate this...

http://forcedtoshower.tripod.com/cgi-bin/DavidBowiesMember.html

It's had me in stitches for the last half an hour!!!
Read it through a few times to absorb its true glory.


And, for my own Patric Stump indulgence (which I don't think anyone quite understands).

Never make someone your priority when you're just their option...

I really should start living by the title of this post.

Headbanging wolves!

I haven't been able to get 'Killing in the Name of' out of my head since Michael and I did a strange masked headbang to it earlier.

So, I work for Lush Cosmetics.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I start my training on Friday 24th of October and that carries through until Sunday, then I find out my working hours. I'm training at the Regent Street store and the Kingston one...no idea where the 3rd is.
I'm down to do 15 a week but my boss says I can change that if I find it's too much/too little.

The interview was actually really cool.
I had to go to the King Street branch near Sloane Square. I got there about 20 minutes early, so I had a walk around and got chatting to one of the girls that work there. She was doing demos and we talked about favourite product combinations and such. I then got called into the staff room upstairs and met with the manager and trainee manager of the new store I'm going to be working in. In there end there were 6 of us in the interview and we had several things we had to do. We had sticky labels where we had to write our name and Star sign (don't ask me why...they just like that).
First was an ice breaker thing where they went around all of us and asked us to say a bit about ourselves as well as mention our favourite film and the worst Christmas present we've ever received. After that, we did a thing they called "Pimp your partner" - sounds rude but wasn't - where we got paired off and we had to interview each other and find out as much as we could as well as come up with a new product idea each. We had to read our results out loud. Then came the shop tour where we learnt how to do demos of the products, learnt a little bit more about them, got told what our shop is going to look like and how we're going to specialise in skincare rather than bath bombs. Whilst that was going on, we got pulled out one by one for a quick interview on our own. My boss said there and then that he was impressed with my people skills and my previous work experience (especially the stewarding/security work) and I could have the job there and then if I wanted it.

I get £6.50 an hour but I get an extra pound bonus for every 10% they get over their daily sales target. As well as that, after my first month, I get 50% off all Lush products. That's everyones Christmas gifts sorted!!!!

I'm so chuffed. I've not had a proper job since I was 16!!!

I'M STUCK!

The deadline is tomorrow morning and I still have NOTHING to email in about this sodding novel report. I just don't have an idea in my head at all.
I thought I did but the plot would have been far too complex and I can't be doing with that.

All I know is that I want my characters to be young-ish, mid teens, simply because I can capture the voice of young people and batty old people perfectly (according to Leone).

A young person and a batty old person...Hmmm...

Nope. Still have no clue.

Monty, Monty, Monty...

Every since Spamalot I've gone Monty Python mad once again.
I'm just about to pre-order the entire TV series and I've been on Youtube watching clips.

SILLY WALKING!!!


EVIL FRUIT!!!


DRILLING!!!

I have a job interview on Wednesday.

Lush finally got back to me. It's a group interview lasting about 2 hours and I couldn't be more petrified!

However, what's worrying me more is the response I've gotten. Mum and Dad are thrilled that I'm throwing myself back into interviews and such, but Mister is being REALLY weird with me... When I told him about me applying for jobs I got a weird look and a "Fine, spend even more time away from me then."
It was said in a jokey way, but the look I got in conjunction with it was like nothing I'd ever seen before.
I sent him a text earlier about Wednesday and I got a reply back going "Oh where?" so I said where the actual job would be and such and I just got an "ok" back and nothing else.
Probably nothing to make a big deal about, but this isn't an isolated incident. I told him I'd found a cheap-ish place to live and, provided I get a job and don't spend too much loan, I could move in after Christmastime. I was met with that same look, a sigh and a "Oh that's far...but you do what you think is right." When I said that I have to try and venture out on my own at some point, he gave me another sigh and "Like I said, whatever you think is right." then he went all quiet on me. Then there were the pill problems...he was great through all the crap it was causing me but gets the hump if I talk about trying something different now because of how long they last.
If I talk about my plans for after uni I get a weird smile and a "It's nice but we can't do that." or "Where do I fit in to all this?" or the scary one "I was kinda planning us settling down by then." SCARY MARY!!!! We've only been together 9 months and, whilst I love him to pieces and hope we carry on, I can't help thinking he's trying to stifle things. By his plans I'd be sprogged up as soon as I left uni living in a flat somewhere in the area not being able to work properly. I remember him saying once "I can go out and earn and you can do your writing thing at home."

That's scary!!!
Like I said, I probably have bugger all to worry about. I just don't like the weird attitude I get sometimes when I have my own plans.

Family Portrait.

Whilst growing up I always thought of my family as perfect. Everyone loved each other and we'd all pitch in to help each other out when we could. Whether that be lending money, fixing appliances, handing down clothes, babysitting.
Every weekend was spent as a whole unit - grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends - in my grandparents tiny house where. All of the kids played in the back room and all the adults sat around the living room chatting, laughing, watching the racing, spilling tea in each other's laps etc.
All aunts were homemakers and all uncles worked around things to do with cars. All cousins went to the same primary school, so we were all scattered about the years looking out for one another, meeting up at lunch time to eat, waiting together at the gates waiting for someone to pick us all up...

All of that closeness yet we now seem to be falling apart.
Either that or, now that I'm older, I'm beginning to see the cracks.

I should explain who everyone is a bit more now otherwise my complaining will get damn confusing. The family I'm talking about is my Dad's side. My Mum's side are all a very different kettle of fish (A bi-polar HIV suffering uncle, a schizophrenic aunt, an uncle in prison, another uncle with attention deficit, an aunt I can't even describe, an alcoholic granddad, a dead grandmother and a dog that looks more like a toilet brush).
I have my Nan & Granddad who live with my uncle Reggie. He needs constant care because he's wheelchair bound with Spina bifida.
From there I also have my other uncles: Chrissy, Brian, Ron, Ray and Steven. Along with them are my two aunts: Sharon and Gill.
Ray died nearly 4 years ago after being crashed into by a drunk driver.
Ron created a feud way back in the mid 9os when my Mum's sister and him were married then divorced. He stopped speaking to everyone and no one gives a toss about him anymore really.

There's tons more to nag on about, but it's not needed.
What seems to be going wrong at the moment is with my Aunt Sharon and My Uncle Chrissy. They've turned into WANKERS!!!!
Sharon is an alcoholic...a veryyyyy bad alcoholic. It's now gotten to the point where she is pissing everyone off, but she seems to really have a vendetta against my mum at the moment. When we go to visit my grandparents and Reggie on Saturdays she refuses to acknowledge the fact that we're there, makes everyone else cups of tea apart from us and brings mass amounts of food to share with everyone but gets the right 'ump if my mum touches anything complaining that all she ever does is eat all the food and doesn't leave anything for anyone else. Firstly, my mum is tiny and feels full up just eating a sausage roll. Secondly, the food never runs out and they end up having to throw tons of it away.
Sharon starts arguments with Mum, Dad and me for no reason at all and then cries when she starts to lose. The latest three were her telling my mum that I was exaggerating about what happened when I got bullied in secondary school "Oh it was a lovely place and we all know what Shelly's like...), she had a go at Dad simply because he said planes can fly without pilots (he's friends with a bunch of them so...) and that made her cry, and she started on me because Nan asked me what Ben's job was - Primary school attendance officer - and, after I replied, she started going "Oh, well he's a tosser then. Who the hell does he think he is telling parents what they should do with their kids, I hope someone gives him a smack."
When I had a go back about tarring people with the same brush she started crying!
Anyone talks about anything other than her and her kids she starts tutting and rolling her eyes. What's worse is that I think it's rubbing off on my cousin, Emma, now. She and I got really close at one point, but now she doesn't even speak to me...even when we're the only two people in a room!!! If her boyfriend tries to speak to me then she drags him away. Sharon constantly scowls at me when I sit with my other cousin, Frankie, and talk...apparently I put bad ideas into his head (fuck knows how...I let him listen to my iPod and tell him where I buy my shoes. Is that bad?).
We can't stand going round there on Saturdays now. I gave up going after she went off on one about Ben, Mum now refuses to go and visit until after they've left to go back home and Dad has finally seen what we've been complaining about and he's joining us.

We think Chrissy turning into a complete twat has something to do with her as well. She goes to visit him every weekend too now. She, my uncle and my cousins leave Nan & Granddads at around 4 to go and sit with Chrissy, his partner and his two kids until about 8/9 in the evening before they go back home to Kent. From being a nice, kind and funny guy, Chris has now turned into a money grabbing, thieving grump!!!
He constantly takes food and drink from my Grandparents in return for doing some mediocre cleaning around their house, he never pays us the money he owes for things we've ordered for him out of catalogues and now, just to make it about a 1000 times worse, he's started taking things from Reggie. Things that Red actually uses all the time. He's taken mobile phones and sold them, Gameboys and their accessories, stereos, laptops, MP3 players...everything the rest of the family give him for Christmas and birthdays!
I gave him an MP4 player a couple of weeks ago so he could watch music videos, but Chris has taken it. My Dad bought him an Xbox a couple of years ago and loaded it with all of Reg's favourite games and music...Chriss had that yesterday. Took it without asking whilst the house was quiet. Dad even warned my grandparents that it would happen. Reg is so upset because he used that pretty much every day to listen to music. Because of his condition, when Reg complains or gets upset about things like this happening, no one pays much attention to him. It's wrong!
Chris has also taken to using their van. It's a special van to fit Reg in so he can be taken out. My parents used to take him for trips out every Sunday to give him something different to do. Chrissy now takes the van every Sunday to do boot sales so Reg can't go out anymore. His excuse is "Oh but I need to sell things because we don't have any money."
They have more than us. He sells Reggie's stuff, Nan always gives him money and does his shopping without taking a penny for it, they have their benefit money.

It's just one big mess really. Those two are causing so many problems for everyone else now that no one wants to go to visit anymore. It's ripping the family apart.
It's horrible to say, but I know for a fact that once my grandparents are gone no one is going to bother visiting each other anymore.

Lancelot is Gay.

Spamalot was awesome last night.
Ben had managed to get us seats in the second row of the stalls, so we had a BRILLIANT view of everything going on. It was like watching the film apart from it had more songs in it than just "Camelot"
We got to the theatre about an hour early, so we ended up wandering around Soho for a while too find a pub/cafe/somewhere to sit. That didn't happen, but we did end up taking a wrong turn into a street full of sex shops. We were going to just wander through to the other side but Ben stopped outside one of the shops, cracked up laughing then pointed to a sign saying SPANKORAMA downstairs. We were stood there for ages laughing then he pulled me away and said, in between chuckles, "I need to get away from here. If I see another sign like that I'm going to die!"
We were going to buy some souvenirs but they kicked us all out. I wanted a killer Rabbit slippers :o(

I went to Aroma with my cousins today. It was my little cousin's 10th birthday so we celebrated with "oriental cuisine" at its best. My older cousin - the younger one's mum - then grabbed me for a natter and a walk around the shops. She doesn't go out much anymore because of the kids so another woman to shop with and talk to must have been a Godsend.
We're trying to arrange a day out shopping now to give her some time to venture out away from her husband and into some shops without anyone moaning about being in the same place for too long.

I would write more but I'm shattered.
I DO have more to say though, so there will probably be a bitchy blog tomorrow.

I AM NOT A NOVELIST!!!

I'm a comedy writer!!!!

This plan thing we have to do for Developing the Novel is killing me deaded.
I have nooooo idea what the hell to write. The only thing I kind of have is an idea from a script I wrote years ago, but I highly doubt Leone would accept the idea in novel form. Plus the main character is a little tooooo close to me right now...I don't think I have enough time/energy to change her in the space of just 4 days.

Ahhh fucksocks.

Looks like a snakebite is my limit now.

As most people know, I stopped drinking so much boozy stuffs back a few months ago.
Every now and again I have a glass or two of something to join in and/or relax if I've had a stressy day or of I'm down the pub with friends.

My limits since then have gone waaaaaaayyyy down. I was in the bar with Michael after my lecture this afternoon and I had a snakebite. That was nice and I felt fine, but I had a second one then felt REALLY sick and had to get myself home.
That hasn't happened for a very long time. I got home, drank a truckload of water then fell asleep...I'm now tackling a bit of a hangover.

It's so stupid!!!

I've had an awesome birthday!!

Today is my 22nd birthday and, despite wondering where the last year went and why it had to do it so quickly, I've had such a good day!

I can't really go into the day too much, simply because the sleeping pills are kicking in, but I can say that it was awesome and I really do love my friends very much.

We met in Hammersmith at 1 then traveled down to TGI Friday in Leicester Square whilst wearing party hats, waving plastic wands and walking around everywhere randomly blowing horns (it got us some verrryyyy strange looks. Mostly from police officers).
When we got to L-Square, the guys did something damn scary to me...they made me have a caricature portrait thing done. I was terrified at the time, but I really like the outcome now I've looked at it a bit more. Most of the time caricaturists are quite unkind, but the worst this guy did was give me huge boobs and, to be fair, I do have those anyway.

Face is a weenie bit too thin, but I still like it. My parents want to frame it and put it in the hall along with the rest of our strange and mismatched pictures.

We got into TGI and did the usual acting like loons, shouting strange innuendo, taking photos of every passing second. Some of the photos are brilliant as it goes, especially the ones with us wearing our various stick-on moustaches. I look like the lovechild of the Pringles man and Kernel Sanders wearing it. Our desert was free thanks to a nifty voucher I was emailed (although I kept on trying to give the waitress it simply because it was making me nervous...don't ask why, it just was!), the only embarrassing downside to that was having to stand up in front of everyone whilst holding my cake with a little candle nestled in one of the layers as staff and customers alike all sang happy birthday to me (aside from one old couple at the back who gazed at me like I'd just fallen out of a tree).

That was about it. Everyone had to go home after that.

I got some cool pressies from peoples. £200 from my parents (it was that or a new phone), perfume from my uncle and cousins, £10 from Nan & Granddad, a weird but groovy frog from Sian, chocolates and a DAMN GROOVY letter opener set from Manda, Michael, Abi and Diana. It's beautiful; a wooden base with a gold shield saying TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT on it. There are 4 openers each displaying a different Triwizard task dragon on the top (Welsh Green, Chinese Fireball, Hungarian Horntail and Swedish shortsnout). It incorporates three of my favourite things: Harry Potter, Dragons and pointy things I can poke Ben with if he misbehaves.

It's been a great birthday because, despite everything happening at the moment, I'm actually happy. I feel like I've got a great group of friends, I have a boyfriend who manages to put up with how odd I've gone lately, I have some great family members. It's nice to feel that way.

Thank you guys x

Had a much better day.

I've been shopping today. I decided to to to Oxford Street in the hope if finding a Dorothy Perkins that actually a)stocks my size and b)stocks the same cardie I bought from their website. I wanted to see it up close and possibly try it on so I could just send it back unopened if it turned out that the thing makes me look like a twat.
Alas, like most of the stuff they show on the site, it wasn't there. In fact, there was nothing decent in the place at all aside from the security guard (ding-dong!).
I thought I'd roam around since it was a long way back home and going for just one shop is a bit silly. I ended up buying a really nice bra from La Senza (but refuse to buy the matching pants...I am not paying £14 for a pair of knickers!), a load of pants from Evans (found a pair that go with the bra really well and it was 3 pairs for £10. UP YOURS, LA SENZA!) and and annnnnddd I finally found a top from that place which actually fits me properly. It's black with a black & white stripe insert for the arms and around the chest. Something that's my style, that's also warm and that fits... halle-fucking-lujah!!

So after that shopping trip I feel quite good about myself. I love my new clothes and I'm back to appreciating my lovely, cellulite-ridden, wobbly bits once again.
It's amazing what a top and some pants can do to a person's self-esteem really.

I got more cards in the post this morning. I *think* it's my aunt's handwriting on them. That's a total for four now, although I've no idea who the other two are from. I want to say Nan & Granddad, but that doesn't look like her handwriting.
I'm looking forward to seeing my crazies tomorrow and I'm hoping the good mood follows through to then as well. Should do...that's provided Ben stops texting me how many hours I have left of being 21. I may have to go down there and hit him with something if it carries on.

urgghh...what a day.

I'm sitting here typing after taking full whack of my painkillers and my sleeping pills. Thought I'd type and eat a box Ferrero Rocher whilst they kicked in.



I feel so "meh".

Today wasn't exactly the greatest day ever. Woke up and half 6 to get ready for a lecture this morning and couldn't get up properly (I keep forgetting to not take the sleeping pills the day before a lecture because they make me feel weird). Both bus rides were agony as usual, and some old lady nearly sat on me. The lecture was complete shit...the only good thing was sitting in the back row with my friends and even then I was too tried to join in with much.
They all went to Wagamammas after the lecture, but I had to get home to meet Ben. Wish I'd actually gone now.
I don't know what the hell it is but things still don't feel quite right. I tried to bring it up today but it didn't quite work :o(
I love him to pieces but I really am having problems.



Emma text me about my birthday. I'm still so pissed off with everything that I don't really want to see her. Ben told me I should let this one blow over, but I've done that one too many times now and I'm sick of feeling like a doormat. I text back saying that I was busy with my uni friends on Wednesday and I'm seeing a show on Friday. That was it. All I got back was "Ok, have fun."



Keeping on the subject of my Birthday, I think I very nearly missed having Patricia join us. I was sitting there and Sian asked me what the plan was for Wednesday because she's not had a computer to be able to check the messages. After that, Patricia started going "Oh, where are you going?", "Where is that?", "Who else is going to be there?", "What time?"
I did a ditsy "Oh some food selling restaurant type place on earth...QUICK, TO THE TIME MACHINE!!"

That quickly ended the questions. I love being able to say things like that and get away with it.



Oh well, I've got silly hats for all of us on Wednesday. Pointy party hats to be precise. And tiaras, and wands, and blowers. Oh yes, we shall all look awesome!


Ok, I am actually starting to feel drowsy now. I'd better log off before I shut down.

Death awaits thee with big pointy teeth...

I'M GOING TO GO AND SEE SPAMALOT ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Ben's been keeping what he was doing for my birthday a secret for well over a month now and only dropping strange hints here and there. Today he told me where we are going. It was supposed to be a secret but he got a bit panicky and asked if I actually wanted to see it before it was too late.
I've wanted to see this show for years so I'm REALLY looking forward to it. I'm a massive Monty Python lover so I'm hoping this show is as amazing and amusing as the reviews have said.
I feel like this week is going to be OK now. I've got Ben with me on Tuesday after he finishes work because the band decided to leave it off for this week so he could spend some time with me (since we've had problems with how much he's been taking on lately), I'm going out with my uni crazies on Wednesday which is just going to be awesome, Thursday is going to be a break in the fun to get some homework sorted, Friday is SPAMALOT and I still have no idea what Saturday is. I'd like to think Emma and I would have settled stuff by now so I could go out for a drink with her, but I still can't talk to her properly after the way she's been acting. Whenever she's phoned I've kind of gone into a haze about everything she's been going on about apart from how her son, my Godson, is doing lately. I've not seen him in months.

Ah well. This WILL be a good birthday.
Last year sucked so this year can only be an improvement.

http://www.montypythonsspamalotuk.com/

Old notebooks.

It's amazing what you find when you're cleaning.

A big bunch of my old notebooks tumbled to the floor whilst I was cleaning out one of my cupboards to make space for more books. I've been sitting here for the last hour reading through them and laughing.
The idea of writing comedy has been in my head since I was 17 - back when I finally twigged I was quite funny - and I wrote soooo much material. One book is full of glued on scraps from jokes and sketch ideas I used to jot down during my classes at college, as well as newspaper clippings that I found amusing (rather than keeping the papers in tact for media studies research...whoops). What also fell out were a bunch of scripts from back when I did that comedy writing course during my gap year. There were 3 copies of a completed script for that show The IT Crowd (was a homework task where the whole class had to make up a plot, take a scene each to write then email each other to make a whole script) and I found the first draft of our own sitcom that we used to met up and write once the course was over.
I stopped bothering with all of this back in summer 2007. Life got really hard and I pretty much gave up on everything, shoved my notebooks into a cupboard and forgot about them completely.
It's really strange reading them back now, especially the older ones. I can't believe some of the stuff I actually managed to come out with...it's not cringeworthy, it's actually still as crazy as when I jotted it down (that's if I remember jotting it down. Some of it I don't).

That was the whole reason I went to uni in the first place. I wanted to learn more skills to make my writing as sharp and as silly as possible, but things never really happened that way.


I wonder if I'll ever go back to what I wanted to do in the first place?


Oh well. I like this.

IMDB.

Hahahaha.
Ben is on the internet movie database now for his role as the friar in 1234 (it's a film coming out at the end of the year).

I'm finding it hilarious for some reason.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226734/


Also...I'M FREEZING!!!!
It's too damn cold these days.

Sometimes I really hate being fat.

I say sometimes because I'm actually perfectly fine with myself a lot of the time. I've never been a thin person and highly doubt that I ever will be. It's a fact I've come to accept over the last 5 or so years and it's hardly ever hindered anything in my life (I've been a size 18 in bottoms and 20/22 in tops since I was 13 years old so y'know). My only problem is sodding clothes shopping!!!!!!!! How the hell can I carry on accepting myself when shops can't even accept that I'm never going to squish myself into a 16...that thousands of others all over the country are never going to do that.
I went out shopping with my mum today and the clothes in my size - in the very few shops that we managed to find scattered around the place - were all awful.
I remember at one point a few years ago I had no trouble with this and managed to find some great stuff, but everything seems to have gone back to stupid with old ladies in mind when it comes to design these days. Everything I tried made me look about 50 or it was all cut wrong/made in clingy fabric. I ended up coming home with nothing and just ordering a jumper online from Dorothy Perkins which I hope actually fits me. What makes it worse is my general taste in clothes anyway...places don't tend to cater to plus sized women who like to dress a little on the darker side. There were so many weird polo neck type tops all in baby blue/pink with massive flowers on them...NO...JUST NO!!!

I'm doomed to wear vest tops and hoodies all my life, aren't I? The majority of the time that's all I wear because that's all I can find. If I had my way I'd be quite glamorous really *sigh*
Will just have to trawl more websites and learn how to cut men's crew neck t-shirts into V-necks as well as pull fabic in at the side to make more of a waist so they're a little more flattering...

Think I might start taking Cerazette afterall...

I've been reading up on it A LOT over the last couple of days and think I might start taking it when I get a normal period through again.
We had an incident and it's really freaked me out now. I've come to the conclusion that we're just a little bit useless and I need something else. It was over a week ago but I'm still in panic mode. I'm sure I'll be fine but I have a test here ready just in case (which bumps my total up to....lost count).
If I do start taking it then it'll be after my birthday, so I can at least be happy and fake hormone free for that. I'm going to talk to someone at the clinic first just to air my concerns again about it effecting my depression and about effectiveness with my weight - which I've read up on and it SHOULD be alright - then prep Ben for the possible impending doom (mood changes, weight gain, sore boobs, hair loss/growth, non stop bleeding etc).
I was going to opt for an IUS or an Implant but they're a lot more tricky to stop than a pill. They require me being poked, jabbed and having cold things in dark places. I'm saving those two as last resorts.

As for the relationship problems; it really is my fault and not his. Whenever my mood dips really low I have a very low tolerance of him and I don't even want a tap on the shoulder let alone a hug or anything else. It took a bit to click that it wasn't just him this was happening with, it just seems to be a little bit worse than with friends and family. I find it hard to be around people too long at the moment because I start to get irritated with everyone even when they've not done anything. I don't know if this is still the pill coming out of my system or if I need to get proper help. On really bad days I feel like nothing can save me, on days like today I still feel like shit but I can cope.

In other news, I had my first Postmodern plunder class for lit today.
As per usual, it seems shit. I have Ian Haywood again and he's not exactly the best lecturer ever. I've had two other classes with him over the last two years and those were the classes I did the worst in. He goes off on some REALLY strange tangents and doesn't explain ideas properly. The only thing I like is that he doesn't pick on people to speak, so I don't feel completely poop scared of being pointed at to nag about a novel I've not absorbed.
I'm looking forward to analysing fairy tales in a few weeks time though. I LOVE FAIRY TALES!!!! And my second essay for it isn't due until January. Sweet deal!

Still no news on when the builders are coming to sort out my crying walls. Luckily the nice weather as meant that no water has been coming through, but they need to sort it before the pissdownpours happen and I'm left without a ceiling.

That's pretty much all I fancied nagging on about.