Contrary to what I said to my friends earlier, about not being ill and my sore throat just being due to the fact that Lush's perfumes tend to burn, I think I may actually have something.
My nose is becoming increasingly gooey and my head feels like Mr T has whacked me with one of his chains.
Perfect end to a perfectly poo day.
Uni was crap.
My lecturer is a complete wankstain. He got really rude to me and my friends today. All I did was ask a question about what we were supposed to be doing in our groups then, because I didn't see the point, I made a suggestion as polite as I possibly could (whilst trying to stop my voice from fading completely) but before i had chance to finish he cut me off mid sentence, talked down to me like I was some kind of naughty school child then walked off to the next table.
I'd complain but that never usually gets you anywhere.
That really has made me feel like crap.
To those that don't know, I have something called social anxiety disorder. It's basically a phobia of being watched, judged and criticised by other people. It means I'm never sure of myself when I speak for fear of sounding like a dumbass, I have a really hard time speaking in front of large groups of people, I have a hard time reading/listening to feedback about my work (if it's bad news I feel like crap; if it's good news I don't believe it and feel like crap) and feel completely devalued if people don't even give me my chance to speak when it can finally happen. After anything like this has happened, a negativity circle starts where I replay the whole thing in my head and analyze it until the point where I feel like my head is going to go KABOOM! It can take days/weeks/months/years/forever to stop analyzing...it depends on how major the situation was.
So him talking down to me and cutting me off has made me not only feel like an idiot, but and idiot who shouldn't be in that class because I'm obviously of no worth to him or anyone else in there. I must have done something wrong. I also have clinical depression, so I feel so stupidly low about everything now even though life isn't that bad right now.
I've had the Mister here since 4 and explained what happened to him. He was sat with me for ages trying to break that damn circle but it's still whizzing around my head. Hoping my sleeping pills will kick in soon so I can get rid of it for a weenie bit.
Mental illness hinders so much. Mister and I had a talk today because some things are going wrong in the relationship again and he told me why we don't go out so much. He doesn't want to take me anywhere too busy and without plenty of exits because, when we're out, he's constantly worried that panic attacks are going to start happening in an awkward place we can't get away from so easily. He said he wanted to take me to a restaurant on a boat as part of my birthday thing but cancelled it last minute because he got worried about me freaking out but not being able to get off the boat and he remembered that I have problems eating in front of people.
I have now explained that I hardly ever do things like that anymore (last time he saw it was waaayyyy back in March during one of his gigs) and we're going to try and go out just the two of us for a little bit soon. He invited me along as his +1 to a friend's birthday on a barge thing but I can't go due to work.
Anyway, I think we've sorted a few things out now. Still stuff to talk through, but we're getting there.
Most of the evening was spent watching comedies, me trying to sort his ragged nails out and him trying to cheer me up after what happened at uni today. I got the "You're not stupid, I doubt you were rude, of course you deserve to be there" talk, but I'm finding it so hard to believe.
6 years ago