Another day of nerves.

It's Ben's 24th birthday today and, to celebrate, we're off out for drinks in our local. That's great aside from one - or many depending on how you look at it - thing...there are a bunch of friends I've never met before including his best friend, Danielle. I've heard so much about her and she sounds great but I'm really freaked out. Best friends are tricky ones to get along with; I've had problems with pretty much all of them in past relationships. I really have to try not to blow it!
I do have a back up though: my own Danielle is coming along.
I NEED her for if and when things get too much. Someone who is to do with me more than him will help so much!

It'll probably end up fine, but HELP!

The Lush Haul.

I splashed out on myself afer work a little bit yesterday.
Basically, Lush have an offer on at the moment where for every £20 you spend - £40 before staff discount in my case - you get to pick a free gift box or bunch of products made before December 1st.
When my shift was over, I bought myself loads of pampering treats (further aiding my work on becoming the plus sized embodiment of sex by the time I'm 30).

- Magic bath ballistic x2
- Creamy Candy Bubble bar
- Blackberry bomb
- The comforter bubble bar
- Sex in the shower emotibomb x2
- Porridge hand & body soap

You're a Star gift box:- Dream cream face and body cream (240g)
- Aqua Mirablis body butter
- Ceridwen's Caulderon bath melt
- Floating Island bath melt
- Mar Bar bubble bar
- Honey I washed the kids soap (100g)
- Helping hands hand cream (45g)

My Freebie: Christmas Candy gift box- Let them eat Cake lip balm
- Candy cane bubble bar
- Angels delight soap (100g)
- Yummy Yummy Yummy shower gel (100g)
- Mr Butterball bath ballistic.

I think that's enough to keep me going for a little while.

Anyway, I'm leaving you with a song I'm completely hooked on this week:
The Damned - Little Miss Disaster.

Merry Christmas!!!

I've had such a nice day!!!

Not sure if you know or not, but I gave up celebrating Christmas a few years back. I never sent cards, bothered with the songs, decorated my room or helped decorate the house, never bought gifts aside for my parents and Anthony, I asked people not to get me anything...yeah.
Because Ben is an uber Christian - almost - I promised I'd give it a go again this year. I sent out cards, I left music channels on full blast, bought myself a lovely little camp tree (all the colours of the rainbow), got my friends and family gifts. It was worth it.

Under ze tree I found for me (yay, poet or what?):
-A black iPod classic
-Headphones
-A iPod speaker set with a small LCD screen built in (it can play music videos, be a digital photo frame, plug into my TV etc).
-£30 worth of iTunes vouchers.
-Earrings.
-Lip & eye make-up pallets.
-An Alarm clock.
-Body lotion & shower gel.
-A necklace.
-Perfume.
-3 bottles of wine.
-Minty biscuits
-Two funny books from Manda Manda
-A squishy eye and pooping penguin from Michael

I spent yesterday afternoon with my family and Ben, who promised to visit everyone on my side, since no one had seen him since my cousin's wedding all the way back in march...2007, and I spent this evening with him.
I got to his house at about half 5 sand said hello to his mum & sister (and the dog). I gave them their presents: His parents got a box of Thorntons finest, Fay a gift box from Lush and Chelsea some doggy treats.
Ben didn't want to open his in front of eveyone so we went into his room and exchanged gifts. I got him a Van Halen T-Shirt and two guitar tab books for Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, my parents got him a game for his PS3. He got me a VERY pretty silver bracelet, the Monty Python's Flying Circus box set and a Russell Howard stand-up dvd. His parents and sister got me earrings and an Oil of Olay bath/shower set.
We lazed about in his room for the rest of the evening watching the new Doctor Who, some DVDS, we played some weird crap on the playstation and sat talking...and arguing over who makes the best stuffing: my mum or his mum.

This is probably the best Christmas I've had in years. We were even talking about swapping for next year...I spend the afternoon with his mad family and he spends Christmas with me (wouldn't it be great if we managed another year?).
I'm not going to see him again until his birthday now, which completely sucks... but it's restored my faith in a happy Christmas.

I hope everyone else has had a brilliant day xxxx

Bit nervous.

The Mister is spending the day with me and my family tomorrow.
He's met them all before, but that was nearly two years ago and my family have gotten even more crazy since then (if that's possible). It'll be fine, I know it will, and Mister's mainly doing this to visit my uncle Reg (wheelchair-bound dude who wants to battle Ben on Mario Kart for some insane reason) and it would make Reg's Christmas.
My only concern is that Granddad gets aggressive if you don't take food offered...my cousin's boyfriend hasn't come back in three years because Granddad threw a plate of sandwiches at his head!

I'm even more nervous about Christmas day. I'm spending Christmas with his family.
I love his family, but I have this awful feeling that I'm going to do/say something wrong and fuck things up...this is the first family that have actually liked me.

Ah well. Wish us luck.

It think it's being called a day.

Between Emma and I.
I saw her today for about 5 minutes to drop off Anthony's Christmas present and we honestly had nothing to say to each other. It was a quick hello followed by her standing there chatting on her phone with one of the many men she has on the go, then complaining about how many bags she has to carry home now (I really don't care) and then pushing past me to get to her bus whilst shouting "I'll see you when I see you!"

That's just it now. I'd rather have no best friend than have to tag her with it. Things have been going wrong with us for a while and today just confirmed that we just don't click the way we used to anymore.
It'll be lonely without her, I'll admit, but probably a lot less miserable.

Stuff and ting (again).

Oh my God work was a bastard today!!!!!!!!!

I didn't sleep from when I got back from that party, so I was up until my alarm went off. After that I made myself a cuppa then got myself dressed and out to get down to ye olde (S)Lush. I got there on time - although attempting to hide a slight hangover - along with two other girls I work with but there was no one there to actually let us into the shop. We waited and waited but no sod turned up with a key so I ended up having to call Dan, wake him up, stress him out, and get him to come down to the shop 2 and a half hours early so we could get in and set up. We ended up only having 20 minutes to put all of our stock delivery into the back room, put out all the testers, get all the tills online, wrap the soaps and shampoos, mop the floors and beat the crap out of the MP3 adaptor to get the music playing through. To top it all off, Dan evilly pointed out that, because today was supposed to be the busiest retail day of the year, if we were caught not doing anything useful then we would be fired without warning ON THE SPOT! After that he asked if I wanted 4 extra hours today, to which I declined for fear of getting the shove for accidentally needing to run out back for a sneeze or something...

The only good thing about today was that I got to hang out with my supervisor, Vicky J, for a little bit and found out we both like a lot of the same literature and TV programmes. That and the new girl, Geri, brought us all home made cookies and ORGASMIC chocolate brownies (Dan freaked out and yelled at some of us because they weren't vegan friendly though...hungry Dan is worse than regular Dan, I swear!).

Now, an explanation for the hangover...I went to Ben's work Christmas party last night. I eventually found something smart/glam to wear:

There's a glittery shrug and some lovey heels involved as well, but they're not on sale in the shop anymore so there are no pictures.
I was a nervous as hell about the whole thing and was so uncomfortable in that dress. I got a stunned look from Ben though, which I'm taking as a good sign. The party was at some posh hotel in Ealing somewhere and his workmates are nice but DAMN SCARY!!! I know that's probably the protocol for a bunch of people who work in a West London primary school, dealing with unruly midgets and all that jib-jab, but I felt so damn...I don't know, like I would get told off or have a whistle blown at me at any minute.
I only planned on having one boozy drink then sticking to something soft, but after the flow of conversation that happened on our table I think I got drunk enough for about 5 people. They asked me about our sex life, sat there discussing things "our men" wont do but should (Ben went red at this point and I just excused myself and ran off to the ladies to breathe for a bit). After that it went on to talk about Ben's family and how much his Mum likes me and couldn't stand his exes (not exactly something I wanted to hear talk of; makes me feel weird), then it got on to talk about his younger sister being pregnant and that he won't get as much attention as he does now once the baby is born. Their idea to counteract this? Get me up the duff!
No no no no no no no no no...............of course that started a slight tiff between us both simply because the "Why are we together if we want different things?" thing came up again. Fuck me, it's only been a year.

Ben left to go to the bar and I was left sat with a bunch of cackling, sex crazed, middle aged women gazing at me and asking me mad questions along with "We hear sooooo much about you.", "He never shuts up in the office; Shelly this, Shelly that..."
One of them - whilst stupidly pissed - said "Darling, you're actually fucking gorgeous and don't seem like a no brained twat...why the fuck are you with him anyway?"
Unfortunately he overheard that one and didn't look pleased.
I downed another glass.

We finally left once the meal was over with and before ANYONE could drag us up to the dance floor. I was swaying in my heels and clinging to Ben's arm as we wandered around to find a cab office.

I highly doubt I'll be going to anyones work do ever again after that. Fucking hell.

What I did pick up from that evening is that he and I are OK. I keep complaining about us having this stupid problems, but when push comes to shove we can both sit there, have a laugh, be damn embarrassed together...he even called my parents the "in-laws" during the cab ride home yesterday. We're making plans for him to spend Christmas eve with me and my family (as crazy as they all are...he's been warned that my Granddad WILL throw food at him if he refuses to take it when offered) and I'm spending Christmas day with him and his family (apparently his mum has even bought a bottle of Bailey's for me to sit and have a drink with them).
It's all so cool yet so very weird.

I'm going to leave you with a song I'm hooked on at the moment. It keeps being played on the radio and I love it...

I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song
I'm twenty-two now, but I wont be for long
People ask me when will I grow up to understand
Why the girls I knew at school are already pushing prams

I loved you then as I love you still
Though I put you on a pedestal, you put me on the pill
I don't feel bad about letting you go
I just feel sad about letting you know

I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new England
Are you looking for another girl?

I loved the words you wrote to me
But that was bloody yesterday!
I can't survive on what you send
Every time you need a friend

I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them, but they were only satellites
It's wrong to wish on space hardware
I wish, I wish, I wish youd care

I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new England
Are you looking for another girl?

My dreams were full of strange ideas
My mind was set despite the fears
But other things got in the way
I never asked that boy to stay

Once upon a time at home
I sat beside the telephone
Waiting for someone to pull me through
When at last it didnt ring, I knew it wasn't you

I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new England
Are you looking for another girl?

Have to release my inner glamourpuss...

Oh God help me!

I'm going along with Ben to his work do tomorrow evening and the dress code is smart and glamorous. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I'm a creature that lives in jeans.

Part of me wants to wear a skirt, but I'm going to look like such a twat in one...I can feel it. That and heels will actually kill me. Or I get a dress...I like this one:

Oh God oh God Oh God.

This teamed with being soooooo damn nervous anyway. Oh fucksocks.

Dum da da duuuuuummmm!

One of my managers told me that I'm being kept on as a permanent member of staff!!!!!!
DAN ISN'T GOING TO SACK ME ANYTIME SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!

As annoying as working at (S)Lush is, I really did want to be kept to carry on working after the festive season has been and gone. Only thing is that my hours are going to be reduced from 15 to 5. That means I do one 5 hour shift a week from January until March, then my hours get upped again gradually until they get me on full time once I've completely finished uni. It will mean more time for me to have a life, but less money for me to spend on said life.
I suppose I'm just happy that most of the Lush crew like me enough to want to keep me with them. All that talk of being fired and such...

Something else happened today.
I've had this Internet friend, Hannah, since I was 15. Today she came into the shop!!!!
I've never met her in person before...not properly. We pass each other when out shopping sometimes but neither of us are ever brave enough to speak. When I saw her walk past the shop earlier I shouted "HANNAH!!!" without thinking, she ran in and we finally spoke. We spoke and she bought some shampoo. Lol.

That's pretty much all the news I have for today.

And it continues...

Dan has managed to piss me off yet again today and I only spent about two minutes with him!!!
he put me down on the rota to do 21 hours next week but I'm still at uni until the 19th so I HAVE TO stick to my 15 a week. When I went back in a couple of hours after my shift to catch him, he had a go at me for not telling him sooner even though I told him a week after I started working there that I won't finish until that time. He then had the nerve to blame ME for HIM not remembering to note it down in his diary even though that's not my responsibility in the slightest.

That man makes me want to break things!!!!!!

Aside from that, I did actually enjoy my shift today. It was mainly Gillian and I wandering around the shop taking the piss out of each other and reminiscing about school days...I found out that she was the one who used to run up behind us on the bench and randomly shout weird things.
It's nice to have a kind of friend in that place. The other people I work with are OK but...I dunno...well, actually, I really like shifts with my supervisor Dallas. She and I spend most of the time quoting Monty Python or Blackadder whilst running around the shop being silly.

As for life outside of (S)Lush...well, I'm still not sleeping properly.
Mum thinks it's because something is making me afraid of my bedroom. I think that's a step too far on the silly scale. All I did was tell her something weird that happened to me last night when I settled down to go to bed. I was laying there gazing at my wall and wondering where my left sock had gone when I felt someone hit me on the side of my head!!!!! My quilt moved and everything. I'm so used to weird crap happening in my room that all I did was shout "NO!" then I turned and opened the curtain a tad.
So me telling mum I've seen figures in my room, that no matter what I do I can never get my bedroom feeling warm, I hear footsteps around the house and things turn themselves on without warning means I'm not only ill but it's what's stopping me from being able to snooze and making me feel odd all the time. Nopey nope...I love my room to pieces, even if it is freezing. I've had problems sleeping since I was a kid but since I told mum some stuff a while back, she thinks everything I say that is slightly out of the norm relates to that. Considering my Nan, Mum herself and my cousin have all had experiences like this, you'd think she'd understand a bit more. Even when Ben comes round he randomly jumps and goes "Why did you poke me?" even though I didn't even touch him.
Meh, I dunno.

Tomorrow is my day off, so I shall be lazing around in bed for most of the day then I have a party to go to in the evening...not that I can drink too much or stay out too late though because I've got work the next day (it really hinders your social life all this working malarkey).

Blah.

Still haven't managed to sleep yet.
It's getting on my nerves now. I went to best last night and had my alarm set for 5.30 so I could get up for work, but I ended up not needing the alarm at all. I didn't sleep a wink and spent hours watching a mixture of Q.I and Never mind the Buzzcocks.
I feel like I want to sleep but the rest of my body just isn't having any of it :o(

Argh.

I wouldn't mind the insomnia if I actually has something to do...or watch...or had people online to bug.
I'm not sleeping again and it's driving me mad because I'm exhausted. I get up at half 5 for work a lot and this week shall be no acception. Wednesday and Friday I'm in at 7.30. I get a lay in on Sunday where I'm in at 12 and leave at closing time.
That teamed up with the early mornings for uni AND Dad making sure I'm up, dressed and not lazing about in my room because I have to wait for the damn postman is really stressing me out. I think that's even what's stopping me from sleeping...I'm too tired to (if that makes any sense at all).
Things have been tricky in the house ever since mum started college. I'm so happy for her because she's finally learning something she loves after not even finishing school when she was younger, but it's thrown Dad and I into complete chaos. Problem is that Mum is out most of the time now and so am I which leaves Dad at home on his own...if he gets too fed up then he sits round my grandparent's house until it's time to pick mum up meaning that nothing in the house has been done. He can't cook unless it's a pizza, his arms are so manked from operations that he can't wash up properly (when he does it I come along and do it again because there are still stains on things) and he has no idea how to work the washing machine even after me and mum trying to teach him several times. Towels never get washed frequently enough, everyone complains they have no clothes, loads get missed because someone us asleep or out when the other one is up and busy and I always get told off for it lately. I'm learning how to cook at the moment but all Dad ever wants is burger sandwiches then I get told off for not doing him something propper (I offer but he says no and we eat very different things anyway).
The worst one at the moment is my alone time with Ben. When he comes round and it's just me and Dad in the house, we can't sit around for more than 5 minutes before Dad wanders in going "What you watching?" or "Oooo, Ben, want to see this new game I've got for the Wii" I then lose Ben for a few hours whilst he goes into fidgety boy mode after a game with loads of guns in it. We see each other once a week...I don't like having hours taken out of our time!

When I eventually move out I think Dad is going to go a little stir crazy if mum is still at college. We're driving each other mad in the house alone but at least arguing or watching American Chopper is something to do...when we're both out he sits on his own and watches films and calls my uncle up every half hour or so for a chat.

I don't exactly know what I'm trying to do with this post...I just felt like writing really.

Right...

I've almost finished my Christmas shopping.
I got my friends some things earlier and I'm happy with that, I bought myself a multi coloured Christmas tree which I've now perched on top of my stereo and I've started getting Ben's pressies out of the way. I'm getting him some Guitar tab books (when I can eventually find them...trust him to want things that are now completely out of print), a few clothing bits and bobs, a recipe book (it's a cool one to do with booze) and probably a small bottle of Jack Daniels. The booze will probably be in the birthday gift along with the booze book and a hat. The tabs along with some shirts and something else I've not decided yet will probably go in as a Christmas gift. I might ring mum in the morning and ask if she can look for the tab books around town when she goes to the prison to see John...I know there are a could of stores scattered around by the uni (hippy student customers pay well apparently).

I'm a lot happier now I've gotten most of that stuff sorted.

Feeling...

Like a VERY thick person.

Actually, to be fair, I AM a very thick person. I just can't stand it when the fact shows through so blatantly.
I got the comment "are you actually blond?" today. Who'd have thought a stupid comment like that could make me feel so crap.
I always out it all down to just being a bit scatterbrained.

Ah bugger.

That's a novelty...

Dan and I actually got along and had a laugh at work yesterday.

He finally taught me how to cut and weigh the cleanser bars, so I spent the whole day donned in manky latex gloves chopping and squishing them into different pots then having a bit of a fight with getting the labels on. Dan kept having a mad dance with me whenever we were near each other at the sink and we were having a day long "make up silly lyrics" competition to the songs playing through the shop (which just ended up in us singing "LAAAAAAAAAA" in different pitches).
Ben came in to say a quick hello, and all I could hear during gaps in conversation was Dan singing "And they called it puppy loooooovvvveee, scooby dooby dooby doooooo."
When he left, Dan then shuffled over to me me, put on a squeaky voice and started going "Is that your special friend? Do you play huggy kissy? BLESS!"
He was doing mad singing to me and my supervisor during our lunch break and ended running away with my carrots and tomatoes that I'd bought to snack on during the day. He did end up choking on one, which I do think serves him right.

I'm still not happy with the dude at all, but at least he was decent today. I don't know if it was a momentary lapse in his sternness or if he's decided that us only speaking when an order is being given really is just a bit silly now.

I'm still not looking forward to my 8 hour shift this afternoon.

Christmas...

Welll December has arrived and I'm freaking out about my shopping.
I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to figure out what the hell to get people and it just isn't happening. I keep changing my mind, or I go to order something only to find it's out of stock until the new year, or I look at stuff and think there's just no way I'm buying that in case I fuck up.
My friends are proving trickier than I first thought. I'm trying to get them stuff from work based on little details I've picked up. I've got a friend who is a chocoholic - actually, just a foodoholic - so I've decided a few things based on that...and the same with everyone else. I'm getting Ben's sister something from work as well, but I'm going to get that specially gift wrapped in the shop and stuffing it full of pampering treats since she told me that her pregnancy is making her feel fat and horrible (I'd say she's carrying the small-ish bump well so far), so I'm putting in a massage bar which helps prevent stretch marks, some soothing bath ballistics, hair treatments etc
I have no idea what to get his parents. I was originally going to get his mum a gift box from work as well, but that would leave his dad out. I think I'm settling on a box of posh chocolates, but I have to make sure there are no allergies around...a little siren went off in my head before I bought them yesterday about someone being allergic to something. I need to double check.
Ben is a pain in the bum to buy for too. I really am stuck with what to get, plus it's his birthday 5 days after Christmas as well (he has to be awkward). I was going to make up a birthday gift of music related bits and bobs and he's asked for something booze related for Christmas. So far, the music book I've ordered is now out of stock EVERYWHERE and I've only been able to find wrapping paper with little guitars on. This would be so much easier if he was a woman...I could get a necklace and be done with it.

*sigh*

Dad is proving awkward as well. He's told me not to bother with him and mum, but I can't do that. I've asked if there's anything they'd like for their fish tanks, any DVDs they want, store vouchers...they've given me no help. Damn it.

If I've got enough left over then I'm going to get my cousin Mandy a little something as well. If I get her a big hatbox from work then her husband will probably be able to nick some of the products as well, so it would be quite nice for the both of them.

I still haven't gotten a tree or any decorations for my bedroom. I might leave it until I've gotten the paint from the builders and done my room (the colour they painted my newly plastered wall doesn't even begin to match the rest of the room...shit heads!). I've got my eye on a purple tree in Paperchase, so I might wander in and get that during my lunch break this evening.

God, why the hell did I start celebrating this thing again?
Damn having a Christian as a other half (OK, so I don't really mean that, but I still wouldn't bother with all this otherwise).

Meh.

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."~ The Velveteen Rabbit

It's that time again...

Why is it that I get borderline suicidal at this time of year?
Seriously...for the last four years I've started to go a bit crazy around mid November to early February time.
I really don't want to be at uni anymore. OK so this is something I say every year but it's a lot stronger this time around. I don't write anymore aside from this lame excuse for a blog and have the lecturers from hell which just DO NOT help. There's Simon, the rudest - and yet dullest - man in the universe with nose hair resembling something out of Day of the Triffids and Ian, who means well but his lectures are hard to stay awake in the majority of the time (at least he's helpful when you need him though). It's more than just annoyance with Simon; he actually makes me feel physically sick whenever he's too near me. It's not the slight cloud of stale cigarette smoke that seems to follow him around, the crooked yellow and black teeth or the faint aroma of hard liquor that does it...it's just something about him. After years and years worth of therapy, my aversion to people - especially men - has more or less diminished, but he seems to bring all those horrible frightened feelings back and I can't bare to be in the same room as him. My skin crawls and, last lesson, I actually felt like I was going to cry the closer he stood near me.
I know it's my final year and all that jib-jab, but I honestly have no idea what I'm doing in that place anymore and as for classmates...I feel more distant than ever.

Then there's work of course: Lush...my dream job...my dream job that has so far gone completely tits-up.
I sometimes feel like I'd rather be employed to suck off David Hasselhoff than have to fake smile and act chirpy all the way through an 8 hour shift just to get my boss get off my back about the whole "I'm watching you...you may loose your job" shit. I love most of the customers that come in and have a laugh with my workmates, but he makes me feel like the most useless person on the shop floor...I'm still not properly till and gift trained (I have brought this up many times, but sod all gets done!!!).

There's a whole heap of family crap and Emma crap going on too (I'm not going to bother boring you with that again) and it's just making me feel like I want to hurl myself off a bridge.

I should be happy by now: 5 years of therapy to get rid of the ghosts and learn the social skills I severely lacked, loving parents, a fair education, a boyfriend, good friends, a job...something just isn't right. People aspire to this...I've got it but it's just not doing anything.
I tried to speak to Ben about things yesterday. I got tearful and told him how I feel; that I can't stand life right now. He went through the usual motions: stopped me before I got into uncomfortable territory, gave a hug, did silly things to try and make me laugh. It didn't work very well, so he got to his last resort - sex if you're interested - and it all helped for an hour or so but I still felt crap in the long run. He listens but never seems to understand. I told him how I've been feeling about classes with Simon, and how I either can't go in the room or can't stay a full lesson and his response was "It's not hard...just keep your bum on the seat and you won't walk out." and "It's probably work stress flowing into other things."

I sometimes feel like I should go back into therapy. Originally they were going to cart me off to some other place where I'd be taught how to live a happy-ish, solitary life (learn how to enjoy my own company, work from home, deal with strangers who need to check meters etc) because apparently everything else the world throws will probably be too much for me to take, but I turned it down in the hope of changing myself. Doesn't seem to really be working anymore.

I don't really know what this blog is about...the ramblings of a woman left on her own to dwell on things in a post-coital train wreck?
I don't even know if what I've said makes sense. I don't even think I as a person make sense.

I suppose the bottom line of all this is that I'm depressed, lonely and in need of at least 10 years worth of sleep.
If you've read any of this shit then you truly are a trooper.


As is customary on this blog, I'm going to leave you with a song. They usually have nothing to do with what I've posted about and are just things I've fancied listening to on ze old iPod.

Another one bites he dust...

One of the girls I work with, Alice, has been fired.
I just found out about it this afternoon: she went in for her early morning shift and was told by the manager that she no longer has a job.
Of course we're now all shitting ourselves because she was actually good at her job yet has been made redundant anyway. I'm doubly scared for myself because I've already been shortlisted for the sack once already and I'm not as strong an employee as some of the others. I have this horrible fear of going in for my shift on Sunday only to be told I'm no longer needed (apron handed over, glitter brushed away, badge torn off military style etc).
It's gotten all of us down because we were all just starting to gel together as a group yet keep having people taken out of it.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

So...

I'm keeping my job for time being.
My manager asked my why I've been acting strange around him and that I constantly look wary or upset when he looks at me.
Firstly I explained that my natural stance is grumpy, so he's gotten off lightly with that, secondly I said that I've felt like crap since he told me he was thinking about giving me the sack last weekend. He just said "If I was gonna fire you then I'd have done it by now."

I can't help thinking that he really is just a bit of a tit.

Aside from that, work wasn't too bad today. Dan put me on gift box duty for a little while because I apparently get more sales than the others when it comes to those things. It's pretty much been a 7 hour shift of dancing, running around with face masks on, dropping soap, pretending that we were all part of some kind of crazy love hexagon (which confused the flip out of my managers).
My cousins came into the shop earlier but didn't stay long because of the smell. Meh to them.

Yesterday was a bit horrible.
It's my monthly 7 days of painful psycho-bitchness and Ben came to visit me. He bought me a litre bottle of Baileys to cheer me up but I still ended up treating him like shit. I couldn't stop snapping at him and spent an hour just refusing to speak to him for no reason at all. Fuck knows how or even why he stayed here after that treatment, but I starting crying, saying that I was sorry for being a bitch, and I got a hug and a "I know it's not really you being an evil moo...don't worry about it."
I find me so irritating...why the hell has he put up with it for almost 3 years...seriously...

I'm feeling a bit less miserable in myself today. I just wish I could explain the bruises I'm still finding...I must be beating the crap out of myself when I'm asleep or something. I've got a massive one on my hip, another on my thigh, my arms are covered...it's so annoying.
People keep telling me I've lost weight as well, but I just don't see it. Ok, so my jeans no longer fit me, I'm having to make extra holes in my belt and my shirts are baggy but I feel like such a lump. I just can't see it myself...It must be true but I wish I could actually tell.
Wardy commented on it the other day and I actually can't stand it when people tell me that...I just feel like I'm being stared at all the time. My family do it to me a lot; whenever I get smaller or bigger they just have to let me know about it...I'm like a reality diet show.
I got upset about it and bitched to Ben. He never says anything like that to me, and when I bitch he just says that he notices but really doesn't care cos I'm apparently "damn sexy whatever!". Suppose that's nice...I just wish other people would see that and leave me alone.

Ahh well. I'm going to see Stephen Lynch with the uni loons tomorrow, so that should be awesome.

Todays mantra...

Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.
Don't be jealous. Don't be paranoid.

I actually had an ok day today.

I got up at half 5 and got ready to start my half 7 shift at work. I really wasn't looking forward to going in. I got about an hours sleep the whole night and my pinny was still damp because I'm not allowed to put the radiators on. I didn't have time for tea or breakfast, but I did have time to swig from a bottle of vodka I've got in the kitchen.
Got lost trying to figure out what entrance I had to go to in order to get in the centre, but managed to work it out and was 5 minutes early in the end.

I found another girl I work with, Grace, waiting on the sofas outside the shop so we sat there for a bit singing songs about gerbils (I don't know why). My supervisor, Dallas, opened up the shop and we wandered in to check the stock, stack the shelves and sing along badly to Pink. After that it was mopping up the floors, making sure we had chocolate Santas wrapped up for customers and putting ice in the table for the fresh face masks to sit out on.
Not long after we opened up, my manager sent me on an errand...I had to wander around the centre trying to find somewhere that sold a collinder and a watering can. That took nearly an hour. I want back and said there was no way in hell I'd be able to find a watering can in a big posh shopping centre...so he sent me out and about around the shops to find them instead. That took another hour and I LOVED IT!!! I wasn't stuck in that damn stuffy shop, I got to prove I was trustworthy and I could sneak off to find something to eat as well since I didn't have time for breakfast.
He was happy with the watering can I eventually found in Morrisons. It's actually quite cute and dainty for a £2.49 plastic thing. I also found out that my crazy shop errand had a good reason behind it; it's so we can do demos of the emotibombs in store.
After that it was just me and two other girls doing dances and singing badly to old Motown hits. We had a nice stream of customers through and I MADE SURE that my manager saw me going up and speaking to people, especially after all that bollocks last week about me just faffing about and not speaking to customers. I even made a sale that actually got him to say well done to me...a lady from a TV company came in needing gift boxes for 6 people she worked with to film a documentary about anorexia as a thank you present to them. That was almost £50 for the shop when our average customer spend is £16. I got a lady new to Lush who only wanted a bath bomb to completely change her ideas about major brand shampoos and buy £40 worth of haircare.
Another lady came in who hadn't been to Lush in over 3 years, so I took her around the whole shop showing her loads of new things as well as running around trying to find her old favourites (or at least some alternatives). Plus everyone I helped said thank you to me as they left the shop.
See...if that's me being an incompetent worker, then what the hell is a competent one supposed to do?
I'm not back until Saturday now.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. After uni *grrrrrr* I get to chill out in a bath then spend the evening with Ben. Can finally get my hug.
I'm REALLY looking forward to Friday because I have nothing to do. I can laze about in my house and randomly fall asleep in stupid places.

Treated myself today.

I'm so fed up of feeling like crap that I decided to hit the shops and buy a few things today.
I was going to go first thing this morning so I'd have a whole day to look around but, after yet another night of no sleep at all, I ended up crawling into my parents bed once the plasterer had arrived to fix my wall and crashed out for an hour or so.

I didn't go too far but I bought a few goodies.
I went to La Senza and picked up some new undies which are rather fabulous (I think everyone knows by now that the majority of my money goes on underwear, socks, things for sexy time and haircare).
I then went into Lush and bought a load of things in there before I get the sack and have to wave goodbye to my 50% discount. I was greeted by my supervisor, Vicki J, who ran up to me yelling "DUUUUUDDDDEEE!" before giving me the biggest bear hug ever. She then wandered around the shop with me to have a chat and a nosy at what I was buying. One of my managers, Emma, joined in but another of the 3, Tom, didn't say anything...he just gave me a sad look before walking into the back room.
I spent £23 (so that's £46 worth of stuff really) on:
-Big shampoo
-Ocean salt face scrub
-Baby face solid cleanser
-The big tease hair gel (which I'm annoyed about 'cos I actually wanted King of the Mods but no one stacked the shelves properly).
-A sex bomb bath ballistic
-A Chocolate Santa bath ballistic
For mum:
-Rehab shampoo
-Coolulin conditioner

I used my stuff once I got in, just to pamper myself a little bit and stop this living dead look I've got going on right now and I'm VERY impressed! Baby face got rid of so much gunk off my face you'd have thought I'd never washed it before, Ocean salt made my skin feel like it was burning off but made it look very bright and Big shampoo has made my hair AMAZING!!! I put my hair through hell with straighteners, hair dye, styling products, it being pulled about and just general stress causing it to go horrible, but it's left it so shiny I'm sure you could see your reflection in it and so soft that I dare not go near Abi anytime soon with her hair stroking ways...

I'm pleased with that and I look a bit better but still feel awful.
The being sick thing is still happening (too much information but never mind), I'm not sleeping at all at night regardless of what I take to help me, I have a constant headache and I'm worrying myself over a bunch of bruises, burns and scratches that I can't explain. I hate not being able to remember where they've all come from. My arms are covered in them, my hip is purple, I have a massive bruise on my stomach, scratches on my lower back, burns on my hands. I don't like the idea of being so numb that I don't feel them happening. I can't even blame work because I've not been there since Saturday and these are fresh marks on me.

I'm really hoping I can get some sleep tonight because I have to be up at half 5 to get ready for work at half 7. I have to help with the morning stock take then do my usual shop floor crap from 9 until half 2.

I can't be arsed. All I really want to do is lay in the dark and hope no one bothers me. Or just lay there and hug Ben. I really do need that. He's the only person who hugs me these days.

Meh.

I didn't go to uni this morning.
I think the stress of the last few days finally hit me. That and I'm still too scared to go back into a class with Simon.
I couldn't sleep - even with my pills and painkillers - and I felt stupidly ill when I got up this morning. I managed to get myself washed and dressed but ended up being sick. I told my mum I wasn't up for going in then just collapsed on my bed and cried until I feel asleep. Woke up again at around half 12 and watched Family guy for a bit, then got fed up and spent a couple of hours gazing at the ceiling.
Managed to snap out of it enough to give my room a bit of a tidy-up and shove my work clothes in the washing machine, then I went back into my room and fell asleep again. Got woken up by Ben calling me to say that he had finished his audition and was only a 10 minute walk away if I wanted him to come round for a bit. I would have loved it but I know he's not very well at the moment, so I told him to leave it and just get himself well enough for us to see each other on Thursday. He's not happy with how I sounded on the phone so is ringing back later when he gets free minutes on his mobile.

I'm probably going to try and sleep for a little bit again. Get some nice alteration between that and staring at things.

I have to be up at 7 for the plasterer to come in and fix my wall before I end up having to build an ark out of my bed. If they balls it up then I will really lose my temper. If they hadn't have fucked up the drain pipes outside in the first place then I wouldn't have to have my private space invaded. I should really start getting anything small and valuable out of my room...there are stories of them stealing people's things.

Just thinking and such.

I've had time to dwell on the events of yesterday. I'm still bloody angry and upset at my manager warning me that I'll probably get the sack, but I've been talking to a workmate I've gotten quite close with and we've both agreed that work is bollocks anyway.
I really thought I'd love working at Lush, but it's been stressy right from the word go. It's not the customers or my fellow Lushies, it's just the manager constantly putting pressure on us all. I know all managers have to be twats - that's part and parcel of the job - but Lush is supposed to be about working hard and playing harder. Under his watch we have to constantly talk to customers and if we're not then we're somehow slacking (some people don't want to be nagged at. I know I don't like it when I go into a shop) and talking to fellow members of staff is a no no. He gets this manic look in his eye...I'm scared he's going to start developing a twitch.
Surely my top constantly being in a state of dampness, my hands being so chapped from demo water that it's painful and my apron spattered with so much glitter and so many colours that you'd be convinced I'd wanked off a pixie would indicate that I'm doing my job!!!

So I've spent today trying to chill out by lazing about in my pyjamas whilst drinking copious amounts of beer and listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall on full blast over and over again. Then just their song Comfortably Numb over and over again.

At least I get to see the guys at uni tomorrow morning. Not that I've even read the book we're supposed to be looking at this week. I don't even have the damn thing. I'm too sick of Simon to care...I'd rather just write my novel chapter and fail the class in peace.

GIT!

So I think I'm going to be fired from Lush.



According to my manager, I don't speak to anyone and just spend my time faffing about with the stock and cleaning.
"I'm just giving you a heads up because I have to get rid of four of you and if you don't speak then you don't stay. I've already got rid of one of you lot."


It's all COMPLETE BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Granted I'm not the most confident of speakers but I don't shy away from speaking to ANYONE. The majority of the time it's just a simple case of customers not wanting any assistance and no one else looking alone or puzzled to go off and speak to. If someone doesn't want me to speak to them and would rather browse alone then I'm hardly going to follow them around and piss them off enough for them to not want to come back.

My supervisors and the trainee managers always see me when I'm working: dancing around, singing along to the crap they play, talking to customers, doing demos and just generally making a mess. Dan always manages to catch me when I've no one to talk to or a plate of bubble bars have fallen or there's a massive puddle on the floor that someone could slip on.



He told me that earlier then sent me on my break. I ended up sitting on the steps outside the centre bawling my face off (good thing I had make-up with me otherwise I'd have looked like shit).



I MADE sure that I just wouldn't shut the hell up when I got back. I ran around the shop, I did silly dances for everyone, let kids chuck foam and glitter on my head...



He even had a go at me when I asked him if he could cut 1ookg of soap for a customer waiting at the till (only managers and supervisors are allowed to do that) and he snapped at me, quite loudly, with "SHELLY, CAN YOU NOT SEE I'M BUSY?" then, when the woman looked horrified, he went "Oh, wait, sorry madam is it for you? Oh that's different then, of course I'll cut it." FUCKING CRAWL ARSE!!!!!!!!!!



Suffice to say that the crush I has is turning into hatred quite quickly.
He's only doing this because he fucked up and hired way too many members of staff. He's just picking on people now so he can cover up for his mistake. there are plenty of other people who don't say a fucking word to anyone.

Argh and such.

The majority of my time has been spent trying to get my essay for postmodern plunder finished. I'm pretty much done apart from a decent conclusion but I'm really not happy with it. Essay writing has never really been my strong point. What matters is that at least I've done something to give in.

Aside from that I've just been working, catching up with Eastenders and eating copious amounts of mushrooms. It's so annoying, I crave the damn things now. It used to be naan bread but now but now it's fungal cups of joy.

I have enjoyed a week of no Lush. I do like it there but my hours are painful to get through during week days (hardly anyone comes in. It was a silly idea hiring 36 members of staff for such a tiny place). I'm back on Friday then again on Saturday for 9 PAINFUL LEG CRAMPING HOURS!!!!! I hope I get to sit down during my lunch break this time.
I'm going to dash off to the pub after I've finished on Friday evening. I'll probably get there at about 10 but it's a friend's birthday and I want to wish him a good one. Plus the rest of the group probably think I'm dead or Ben has locked me in a cupboard or something...and I know I'll need a drink after my shift.

What else can I say...ah!

I've ordered Bill Bailey's new stand-up DVD, Tinselworm, and I'm and REALLY looking forward to it arriving. I was going to save it and wait to sit and watch it with Ben because he's been wanting to see it too. I also ordered season 7 of Family guy which should be here by the end of the week. I'm debating whether to get the complete Vicar of Dibley collection which is only £17.98 on amazon at the moment. I know I need to have for Christmas but I haven't had a DVD spree in ages.

Oh, by the way, I bought the black corset in the end and it was awful. I'm sending it back either tomorrow or Friday.

That's all I have for now. Byyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeee.

Back...

http://cluttered-youth.blogspot.com/

It's back, it has been cleaned up and there are no promises to update often.
Enjoy.

The last few days.

Urrrgggggghhh and woooo and urggghhhhhhh again.


I'll start with Monday.
I bunked Monday morning's DTN1 class because of some stupid excuse for a presentation we all had to do. Personally I didn't see the point of it and am still upset by the way Simon reacted to me last week so I decided to not go in. The rest of my editing group didn't either.
That's not to say I didn't try though. I got up at the normal time, got ready and packed up my bag but had a panic attack at my front door when stepping out to walk to the bus stop. I ran back into my room and cried. Mum came in wondering what the flip had happened then said there's no way I can go out and be useful in that state and helped me write out an email to my lecturer.
I spent that rest of that day catching up with reading for my Postmodern plunder class and tidied up a bit before Ben came round.
I don't remember much of the rest of the evening apart from feeling ever so slightly used. I'm not going into that though...if you really want to know then you're better of asking me.

I spent Tuesday doing a bit more reading and just generally lazing around.
I got an email from Leone about my novel plan but I can't bring myself to read it yet. I'm hoping there are no dates or anything in there otherwise I'm a tad screwed.

Wednesday saw me back at work. It was a heck of a lot quieter than last Saturday - There were 15 staff members at a time but only 5 customers max - so I wandered around a lot pretending to clean things much to the general disgust of my manager, Dan, who decided to make me useful and finally get me till trained.
When it did finally pick up in there, I was on massage duty at the front of the shop. Basically, I have to explain how our massage bars work, what they're for and which one carries which property. The women and little kids I get coming up to me are always great to do hand massages for, and the kids love the two glittery ones we have, but I get some verrrrrrryyyy creepy men as well. One guy came in with his girlfriend and I gave her a massage to show what our chocolate heart massage bar was like. She then laughed and asked if I could do the same for her other half because his hands are horrible. As I did, she went off for a wander around the shop and he starts squeezing my hands and stroking my fingers!!! I tried to stop him by saying "Ah, sir, you need to keep your palm relaxed for me." but it didn't really work in the end. After his girlfriend paid for her stuff and made to grab him and leave, he put his number in my apron then asked if I would be there next Wednesday. I ran into the back room for a bit after that with Darren - Mr Brand - following behind asking what the hell happened and if I wanted him to stand guard behind me ready to get rid of creepy customers with his trusty left shoe. I declined...wish I never did!
Later on that day, another bloke comes in and tries to eat one of our testers. Again, I show him how the bar works and offer a demo. After a lot of him groaning and gazing down my shirt, he leans down and whispers "Do you massage any other places?" before giving me a wink. For some reason I boomed "SIR, I'M A MARRIED WOMAN!" to him before dropping the bar retreating into the back room once more.
You have no idea how glad I was for my shift to end.

Today was spent at uni from 9 until 11 (he let us go early because no one had finished the book yet), then I had a run around the library to try and find something to help me with my damn postmodernism essay due for next week. ONE BLOODY BOOK I managed to find in the end. I hate that library, they're useless at keeping track of their books.
I spent the rest of the evening with Ben. Not that is was really that eventful or anything. Most of it was spent in complete silence...and not that good, comfortable silence either. He looked really annoyed when I told him about the manky guys at work doing what they did and just sat there gazing at the wall for a bit after. He snapped out of it eventually and asked when my lunch break is tomorrow. I have no idea and only get 15 minutes anyway, so there's no point in walking down.

That's pretty much been my week.
The only other thing I've been doing is corset shopping. I really do have a thing about them and have finally found two that are within my price range. Problem is, they have plastic boning rather than steel which I don't think will hold me in as much as I'd like or last its purpose. One is black satin and the other is blue with a black trim and some embroidery. The company do free returns 365 days a year if I'm not happy with it, but that's so much hassle. I'm also slightly wary because they have no modesty panel at the back.

I'll show you what they look like but, be warned, one of them has a rude model posing. That's not my intent at all, so look past it.





I really like the blue one but I have nooooo idea if that colour suits me. Mainly because of the purple/ginger/brown hair thing I have going on lately.
Oh poopy to it.

Anyway, I'm going to get myself to bed because I have an annoying early start in the morning.

Musical interlude.

Take my hand, we're off to Never Never Land...

I think...

I have a crush on my manager!

I didn't think so until I found myself wandering onto his facebook page...then clicking through to his myspace page and not leaving because he has songs that's he has written up there.
I haven't had a crush since the first time I met Ben, I don't tend to fancy people often, so this is allllll a weenie bit odd. He's not even my usual type...he's rather tall, very thin and very emo looking (he admits it himself) and, at work, he is constantly covered in some kind of glitter which sparkles the most from his rather unkempt jet black hair. It'll probably go away the moment I get in trouble for stacking a load of bubble bars wrong or something, but for now I'm just, well, enjoying it I suppose. There's not exactly much else I can do about it. He's not been like my other bosses so far...we play fight in the shop, there's singing and dancing, he joins in with singing and jokes.

I can see this may take a while.

http://www.myspace.com/emotionalrockboy

My first day at Lush.

I would have posted this up last night but I got home at 9.30 in agony.

I have a rather groovy job.
I got ready and left at 11 so I could get there with a little time to spare (the shopping centre is so huge that you need time to find things). Gotta love my job straight away just for how relaxed they are about what we can wear. I chucked on some black jeans, a black jumper, pink & blue shoes and rather bright and crazy jewellery then walked down to the tube station without having to worry about removing the colours once I got there.
Walked into the centre at abouuuuttt 20 past 11, so I just had a wander around for a bit and watched some fashion show going on in the middle of the ground floor. The skinny people bored me though, so I just ended up going to work and starting 20 minutes early. I had to wait in the back for a while because my manager, Dan, couldn't find me a pinny to wear and a big box of hand cream fell down onto one of my supervisors heads (still don't know his name, so he shall just be Mr Brand) so I stayed back to help him clear up and make sure he was alright. I asked but all I got was "Screw how I am...did my hair survive??"
After that madness, I was thrown straight onto the shop floor and into the path of many rampaging customers who just looked verrrryyy scared whenever I said hello or offered to help them find things. It was awful, I just had nothing to do for about half an hour and nor did a few other people I work with. I ended up standing around the massage bars and having a play with those. FINALLY, my cousin and her husband came in, so I ran over to them before any of my colleagues could nab them and showed them some stuff, did some demos, had a laugh...they bought a lot!!!
After that, loads of people came up to me for help. I mainly stayed around the massage bars so I could offer hand massages to people, although most do look horrified when you offer. Women more than men funnily enough. We have vanilla scented massage bars with purple and gold glitter inside which all the kids that came into the shop really loved. I ended up doing glittery hand massages for a family of 6 children then let them all have a go (they did it back to me and one decided it would look good on my nose...I let her...don't know why...). Their parents bought them one each though, so it was cool.
Finally had my break which was 45 minutes long and I spent roughly 30 minutes of that in a queue all for a bottle of water. I think I'm going to leave the centre next time I have a long-ish lunch break.
I got back just in time for a LOUD AND PROUD demo. Dan stood on a foot stall and yelled his lungs out "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS, GIRLS AND THE UNDECIDED, TODAY WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME MAGIC!!!"
That was followed by him making everyone chant "growth, prosperity, vitality, energy" over and over and ovvveeerrr again (our Christmas products are based around old pagan spells and ingredients and the chant is part of a spell). On the last chant, he crumbled a gold star bubble bar into a jug and shouted "I SHALL MAKE BUBBLES FROM CRUMBS!" before pouring warm water from another jug into it. That got loads of people into the shop, simply because Dan is possibly the loudest shouter in the universe. All of us happy helpers had to clap and look amazed at it all which was just funny because the customers looked at us like we'd gone mad. Similarly, when I dropped a tray of bubble bars and the plate clattered on the floor, everyone I work with just cheered and laughed like we were in some kind of restaurant than in a shop where that stock costs a lot of money.
On the subject of restaurants, the joke "Oooo, is it edible?", for just about everything in the shop, lost it's funniness on abouttttt the 1000th time I heard it.
We also had a lot of people in asking if we sold candles. One guy asked and I said that we only sell cosmetics, so he pointed to our soaps and went "So that are those things then? Candles no?", I said they were soaps and he looked at me as if I was lying!!! He walked off to sniff them then came back to me going "They feel like wax..."
I gave up and let my supervisor, Dallas, deal with him.
Another guy came in thinking we were a sweet shop but decided to stay in and talk to me anyway, he asked for a shop tour and demos of our shaving creams then just stayed in and followed me around. He started to chat me up but then checked his watch, asked what days I work then left and said he'd be back for some shaving cream. Oh dear.
Just as we were closing, this lady and her daughter came in and wouldn't stop asking for samples. She asked for samples of soap, which I explained we don't do because everyone knows how soap works, she then asked for samples of bath bombs (how the hell can you sample a bath bomb?), samples of bubble bars (again...how?) to the point where she tried to raid our demo pot to get some, she nagged other people for samples of our face masks and creams (we do those but only for people who aren't purely after freebies) and tried to take a bottle of our £35 moisturiser and put it in her pocket, but another one of my managers caught her.

I stayed an extra hour to help clean up the shop, and pretty much spent that time dancing with a mop, taking the mick out of my manager who go his own back by throwing glitter on me and stacking re stacking bombs.

My parents picked me up in the car and that was the first time ALL DAY that I had actually sat down. I was on my feet for the whole day...hence the agony I mentioned at the start. I just ache a little bit more than usual today.

So that was work.
I enjoyed it even though it was painful and Westfield has stupid people around.

As for me in general. Well, I still have a bastard of a cold and will be making more lemsip after I've posted this. I also miss Ben like crazy. It's worse than usual for some reason and, funnily enough, he text me yesterday evening saying exactly the same thing so WE ARE seeing each other on Monday. If that gets fucked up again I will be pissed off.

MUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVEMUSTHAVE

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD TO OWN THIS!!!
DAVID BOWIE...£20 IN EVANS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HA, yeah right!!!

"Pop in and sit with one of their expertly trained members of staff to
discuss your skin and hair care needs."

I've been looking at the Westfield website and laughing in a rather painful way at the above quote. It's from the small little description of our shop but I can safely say that we are soooooooo not expertly trained. I'm pretty much bricking it because I can't remember what masks go with which skin type, our "3 lovely things" rule where we need to list 3 things only about our products to the customer so we don't overload them, there's so much haircare that I'm confused...

Bollocks to being expertly trained. I don't even know how the work the tills yet.

http://uk.westfield.com/london/find/detail/store?category=1732&retailer=35604

Currently chugging Lemsip...

Contrary to what I said to my friends earlier, about not being ill and my sore throat just being due to the fact that Lush's perfumes tend to burn, I think I may actually have something.
My nose is becoming increasingly gooey and my head feels like Mr T has whacked me with one of his chains.

Perfect end to a perfectly poo day.

Uni was crap.
My lecturer is a complete wankstain. He got really rude to me and my friends today. All I did was ask a question about what we were supposed to be doing in our groups then, because I didn't see the point, I made a suggestion as polite as I possibly could (whilst trying to stop my voice from fading completely) but before i had chance to finish he cut me off mid sentence, talked down to me like I was some kind of naughty school child then walked off to the next table.
I'd complain but that never usually gets you anywhere.
That really has made me feel like crap.
To those that don't know, I have something called social anxiety disorder. It's basically a phobia of being watched, judged and criticised by other people. It means I'm never sure of myself when I speak for fear of sounding like a dumbass, I have a really hard time speaking in front of large groups of people, I have a hard time reading/listening to feedback about my work (if it's bad news I feel like crap; if it's good news I don't believe it and feel like crap) and feel completely devalued if people don't even give me my chance to speak when it can finally happen. After anything like this has happened, a negativity circle starts where I replay the whole thing in my head and analyze it until the point where I feel like my head is going to go KABOOM! It can take days/weeks/months/years/forever to stop analyzing...it depends on how major the situation was.
So him talking down to me and cutting me off has made me not only feel like an idiot, but and idiot who shouldn't be in that class because I'm obviously of no worth to him or anyone else in there. I must have done something wrong. I also have clinical depression, so I feel so stupidly low about everything now even though life isn't that bad right now.

I've had the Mister here since 4 and explained what happened to him. He was sat with me for ages trying to break that damn circle but it's still whizzing around my head. Hoping my sleeping pills will kick in soon so I can get rid of it for a weenie bit.

Mental illness hinders so much. Mister and I had a talk today because some things are going wrong in the relationship again and he told me why we don't go out so much. He doesn't want to take me anywhere too busy and without plenty of exits because, when we're out, he's constantly worried that panic attacks are going to start happening in an awkward place we can't get away from so easily. He said he wanted to take me to a restaurant on a boat as part of my birthday thing but cancelled it last minute because he got worried about me freaking out but not being able to get off the boat and he remembered that I have problems eating in front of people.
I have now explained that I hardly ever do things like that anymore (last time he saw it was waaayyyy back in March during one of his gigs) and we're going to try and go out just the two of us for a little bit soon. He invited me along as his +1 to a friend's birthday on a barge thing but I can't go due to work.

Anyway, I think we've sorted a few things out now. Still stuff to talk through, but we're getting there.
Most of the evening was spent watching comedies, me trying to sort his ragged nails out and him trying to cheer me up after what happened at uni today. I got the "You're not stupid, I doubt you were rude, of course you deserve to be there" talk, but I'm finding it so hard to believe.

A Lush Life: Part 3

Today was my last day of training.

We were all in the Kingston branch this time, so we could have a rough idea of what our store will be like (a bit like a witches kitchen).
I met most of my fellow lushies at Waterloo station along with one of our trainee managers. We had a mad train ride to Kingston where Tom (that manager I just mentioned), tried to make us sing songs and said some rather crude stuff about some of our products being good lube(!)

We got trained up on skincare and haircare a little bit more and how to link sell products (I can't be arsed to go into that).
We also played with bubble bars a little bit more.
After than it was lunch and we all went to Pizza hut...I refuse to call it Pasta hut!!!!
When we got back we had a Q&A with the manger and trainees then got taken downstairs in groups to learn how to weigh products, wrap them up and work the till (well, some of us missed out on the last one and have to be trained in store.

That was pretty much the day.
I'm just twiddling my thumbs until Saturday now.

A Lush Life: Part 2

Today was my second day of training with the crazies at Lush.
I actually got there half an hour early this time and was greeted upstairs by me new supervisor, Dallas (who was in the interview with me last week...how did she make supervisor?), and two of my colleagues whose names I cannot remember. We sat talking about The Mighty Boosh, Eddie Izzard, Black Books, Offensive ring tones...it was cool.
Everyone else then came up along with another supervisor (I can't remember his name but he does look and act freakishly like Russel Brand. Right down to reading us passages from The Joy of Sex). We all did a few more introductions then played a Mexican wave game where we all stood in a circle, held hands and had to do a sequence of waves depending on what our manager, Dan, did. That nearly broke my arms.
We were then taken off in groups to go down onto the shop floor and have a sniff of everything, talk to each other about our favourite products, have a play with them and pick two of our favourites to take about later on in the session. Unfortunately I keep getting paired up with some 16 year old brat called Tia who has a tiny attention span, is rude to people, moans constantly and ignores other peoples opinions. Reaaaallllyy hoping she grows up a bit over the course of the job because I may have to kill her otherwise.
Groups who weren't down on the shop floor stayed with Dallas and the Brand doppelganger to look at pictures of celebrities, note their body language and suggest products that may be suitable for them based on how they present themselves.
We then ran through store opening times and I found out my hours (although I've changed some). After that, we went through the company dress code: You can wear anything as long as it's black or white, mad piercings and tattoos are allowed, our shoes can be whatever colour and style that we like, nails have to either be completely clear of varnish or varnished very nicely with no chipping, rings are a no no because of demos, hair can be crazy coloured and hats are only allowed if they look rather jaunty (bowler hats are a yes, big fuck off sombreros are a no). They said we all have to look like we use the products but don't need them (a nice way of saying we have to look after our hair and skin for the customers).

After all that jib-jab, we played a bag game. We got into groups of three - me, Gillian and Tia got put together - and we had to put one foot on a large Lush bag and attempt to turn it over to the other side without taking our feet off of it. Whoever did that would win a £1 bonus on top of their wages for that day...in the end he gave everyone a bonus though.

During the lunch break myself, Gillian, Tia, Lucy, Nikki and some other woman whose name escapes me walked around trying to fine somewhere to eat and occasionally ran into shoe shops because Gillian went mad, shouted "SHOSIES FOR MEEEEEEE!" then ran in before anyone could grab her.

After lunch it was presentation time. We all got paired up (I got Tia...AGAIN!) and had to work out how to treat customers with different needs. One group got a pregnant customer, we got someone who has never been to Lush before, another group got a grannie shopping for grandchildren. Tia made me speak...but giving me the most evil look in the universe when I said she should do something because I did he majority of the work in our pair today (I don't think I was asking much to be honest).

After that it was home time!!!!!!!!
Sweet sweet home time.

I've been sitting at home giving mum hand and arm massages.

A Lush Life.

I had my first day of training with Lush in Regent Street today. I got there 10 minutes late because the traffic was hideous and my boss was waiting outside for me hopping and yelling "Hurry up the stairs, I made them wait...go woman!!!!"

I ran up to the store room where there were aboutttt 5 tables full of other new members of staff and two women standing up at the front. Behind them was a table full of Christmas bath ballistics, bubble bars, shampoo bars, massage bars, jugs and bowls of water, a whiteboard, stacks of post-it notes and emotibombs hung around the room like air fresheners.
We were all given a big workbook to take us through the training session with areas to mind map, write product information, draw silly pictures, note down good selling quotes etc
The first part of the session was an intros thing. We had to play something called 'People Bingo' where we all moved around the room and asked each other questions on the sheet. The person with all their boxes filled out with different names won a bubble bar. After that, we were told about the history of the company, charities it supports, how many stores there are world wide.
After that we had a break.
I found out that I used to go to school with one of the girls there. She was in my younger cousins year. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't of ran up to me yelling "DANIELLE'S COUSIN! HOLY FUCK!"
That was interesting...

When we came back from the break we all looked at products and talked about the top notes, middle notes and base notes of the different scents used. I now know that the zesty ones are all speedy top notes which are good as quick fix anti-depressants, helps migraine and hangovers, helps circulation, tones the skin, can ease nausea and speed metabolism.
Middle notes are quite warm and spicy smelling, helps circulation, helps balance skin (mostly combination) and mood, are antiseptic, good for memory recall, calming and pain numbing.
Base notes are the Barry White of the fragrance world apparently. They linger on the skin for up to 24 hours, are warming and soothing, indulgent, aphrodisiacs, can help with stuffy colds, are good for insomniacs, are good for rejuvenating older skin and are great for kids to use because they're calming and gentle.

After that, we went on a lunch break where I found out I knew yet another person there. Her name is Gillian and we went to the same secondary school. As well as that, she's one of the Mister's "friends" (I put it like that because she told me he annoys the fuck out of her). We sat there chatting about school, people we knew and what they're doing now etc.

Product demos were up next. We got taught how to perform hand massages on customers by practising in pairs. We then learnt how to get the most bubbles when doing bubble bar demonstrations as well as dip our hands into the water and smear it all over our arms (I'm now covered in red glitter from that), we were shown the proper way to lather up shower jellies and had to write down the way bombs work whilst chucking them into a bowl on the table.

At the end of the session, we all got given a nice little goodie bag.
Mine consisted of:
- A Jingle Spells bath ballistic
- A Twinkle bath ballistic
- A Mr Butterball bath ballistic
- Christmas kisses bubble bar
- Ruby Red Slippers bubble bar
- Happy hands hand cream
- Squeaky Green shampoo bar
- A small bottle of Tramp shower gel
- Three chunks of soap (Snowcake, Angels Delight and Christmas cake)
- A container of Gold, Frankincense and Beer shower jelly
- Therapy massage bar
- Buffy the backside slayer body butter

It's a good haul...I totted it all up and all those products would have come to roughly £43.

The biggest downside to today was going but forgetting to take my pain killers with me (I'm shocked I could move toward the end of the day. It was agony on the bus) and I ate beef for the first time in 16 years and it made me feel sick. I didn't know there was beef in it...Tia said it was chicken, then added the "oh, and beef" part after I'd pulled a funny face and began to heave. Urggghhh. I can still taste it...urgh...

Another day of training tomorrow. Then again on Sunday.
Hope those sessions are as good as today's.

AGONY MUCH???

Arrgghhhhh save me.
As I said before, I've been twiddling my thumbs waiting for the lady problems to come back for the last couple of weeks. Well MY GOD THEY ARE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!!
I'm in so much pain. It's been like for the last couple of days. I felt rough on Monday, felt like I was near enough dead on Tuesday, the bleeding came yesterday which signaled the start of a whole day of not being able to move aaaannnnnnddd today is going the same way.
I was woken up by a killer cramp half an hour later than I was supposed to get up this morning and, because walking requires a lot of effort, I managed to leave the house at half 8 (for a lecture at half 9). Dad ran downstairs and caught up with me to offer a lift to the bus stop. I walked to it as he was driving off and the bastard stop was closed because of road works, so I had to walk all the way to the next stop.
I was sat there in near tears for half an hour before a bus finally decided to show up. the bus got packed and I stood up for an old lady to sit and that really hurt.
Actually managed to only be 5 minutes late for class, but I left half way through because I had the most horrible feeling that I was going to either throw up or faint...of a nice combination of the two.

I'm in bed with tea and a hot water bottle now. I can't believe how bad it is this time around...I've not suffered like this in ages. Bloody pill.

I hope I feel alright-ish tomorrow. Last thing I want is to be like this during my training tomorrow (I called my manager about that. The email just hasn't been sent out but I got told where I need to be).

Worried much.

I'm supposed to start my training with Lush on Friday.
The bosses said they'd send us all an email before the day telling us where we need to be and what time over the whole 3 days training thing...but the interview was a week ago and, so far, no email has hit my inbox.

I'm now really worried. I've been running that day in my head making sure they did actually say I could have the job because right now I'm freaking out about me possibly hearing things wrong...or not hearing things wrong but them changing their minds. and forgetting to tell me..or something else horrible like that...
But I've been going over it and I can remember being told I could have the job. He asked me to email over my mobile number because it wasn't on the CV, which I did promptly, and that they'd send us a message with dates and times. All of us walked out of there beaming...I wish I took some details down for the other people I was in the interview with just to ask.

If I don't get anything by tomorrow afternoon then I'm going to call one of the managers and ask what's happening. I'm going out of my tiny mind.
I don't think anyone understands how much having a job like this would mean to me. I've not been able to work since I broke down, so to be told I've got something like this especially after all the hard work I put in to getting better...

Arrgghhhhh. Please let me get the email today.

Ah...it makes more sense now.

So, over the past couple of months I have been feeling like complete crap.
I've been putting all this down to coming off the pill and Ben just genrally irritating the fuck out of me, but it seems as though I've been taking something else which could have caused a lot of the problems I've been having as well.
I take sleeping pills. Nothing scary, just herbal ones as a compromise with my doctor because I refused to take the proper ones she wanted to give me (I know herbal stuff can be just as lethal but...well..ahhh I have my own weird reasons).
Anyway, when I first started taking them, NO medical information leaflets were in the boxes and the only things printed on the box and on the tub were "Not to be taken by women in early pregnancy or who are breastfeeding."
I've gotten a new batch today and not only has the packaging changed...but so has all the information. There's actually an information leaflet inside listing side effects and all sorts!!!!!!!
I've found out some interesting things. I'll quote from the leaflet:

1) "Do not take this medicine if you suffer from depressive illnesses.
2) "May cause drowsiness which can persist into the following day"
3) "Possible side effects: STOMACH CRAMPS, NAUSEA, vomiting, gastr0-enteritis, diarrhoea, fever, HEADACHE, palpitations, FAINTNESS.
(The ones in capitals are what I've been suffering with for ages).

So it turns out it's probably not just the remains of the pill fucking with my system. I wake up every morning feeling so tired still that I can just about get up (I also think this explains not being able to stay awake very easily sometimes in lectures), the depression has gotten worse (to the point where a thought crossed my mind that shouldn't have yesterday!!!), I have a constant headache and my stomach always cramps up.
I'm going to my pharmacist next week sometime to ask if there is anything at all that I could replace these with that still stays within my boundaries. I know it's limited but...
I need to keep taking something otherwise the insomnia will come back and that's almost as bad as feeling ruined through taking these things.

This on top of the new contraceptive pills I'm due to start taking as soon as my period finally deicdes to get here (nearly two weeks late *sigh*).
I don't do myself any favours really do I? Fuck.

Only Manda will fully appreciate this...

http://forcedtoshower.tripod.com/cgi-bin/DavidBowiesMember.html

It's had me in stitches for the last half an hour!!!
Read it through a few times to absorb its true glory.


And, for my own Patric Stump indulgence (which I don't think anyone quite understands).