DECK THE HALLS...

And all that jib-jab.

Actually, I am REALLY looking forward to Christmas getting its arse here.
I've pretty much done my shopping (apart from my uncle and one more thing for my "niece"). I've also managed to get most of the Mister's birthday stuff sorted out now as well. I've got one more thing left to order but it could take a while due to money crap going on.
I'm not buying for my uni friends just yet because I'm not 100% sure when we're supposed to be seeing each other. We've all got a lot of things going on right now so it probably won't be until the new year now. It's sad but I'm sure it'll make it feel all the more exciting for when the time to meet up actually comes around.
Back to Christmas stuff...

I got:
- Mum & Dad a Royle Family DVD box set.
- Mister's Mum & Dad have a box of Thorntons finest.
- His sister has a bodycare set thingum
- My "niece" is getting a teddy bear but I also want to get her something 'In the night garden' themed.
- My uncle is getting DVDs from Ben and I.
- Mister has a hoodie, a few T-shirts, an into model helicopter, funny socks and even funnier pants.

Mum and Dad are getting him a new wallet because his current one is being held together with gaffer tape.

His birthday stuff consists of more T-shirts, a Ghostbusters Ecto-1 number plate and an extra special guitar pick.


As for myself. My list for Mr Santa is...

- Dylan Moran, Eddie Izzard, Russell Howard, Michael Mcintyre and Bill Bailey.
- Warm Pyjamas.
- Warm socks.
- A bluetooth mini photo printer.
- New trainers.
- An open bust corset, pencil skirt and those AMAZING shoes I posted a photo of a few entries back.

Meh, lets see what happens.

What else did I have to say.......

Aha!
Erotica was AMAZING last weekend. The Mister and I have decided to make it a yearly trip from now on since we both had so much fun. He looked as nervous as hell for a little while but soon began to chill out after I pretended to make a mouth shaped Fleshlight sing, we watched the Fuel Girls on the main stage and he gawped at a few boobs.
There were so many things to go and see. We didn't manage to get around the whole place (mostly because I wanted to venture into the art gallery but he didn't really see the point). He bought be a few bits and bobs which I promise I won't divulge since I'm sure no one wants to know the weird crap I like. We also bought the yummiest toffee flavoured vodka ever from some hilariously drunk Welsh blokes on a stand near the exit. It's 27.5% volume so we've only done a quarter of the bottle between us so far.

I'm off now. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a cup of tea.
I also want chocolate but I'm holding back the craving until I get back from my medical assessment tomorrow afternoon. The Mister and I can wallow in Dairy milk and Brandy Alexanders that way.

Toodles xx

I turned down a job.

I know it seems like the most stupid thing to do ever, but just hear me out first...

I got a call from Argos on my way home from shopping this afternoon asking me to come in for training tomorrow at 12 but I tole the guy that I'm not taking the job. My reasons being that it's just not enough hours and I have no security (there's a massive chance I'll have to leave after Christmas).
If I'd have taken the job then I would lose all the help I'm getting along with my fortnightly installments of Employment and Support allowance. Basically, I have a personal advisor who I see once a month to talk about how my medication and doctor/psychology sessions are getting on and classes I can take in order to get myself feeling well enough to work again.
I'm going to ask them to start helping me look for work at my next appointment in December. I want to get their medical assessment out of the way first so they can actually see that I'm not bloody faking all of this.

So that's what I think.
I'm sure there are people out there calling me an idiot but I'm hoping I have made the right choice.
This Argos thing just isn't right for me at this moment in time. If I was still a student then I would have snapped it up there and then but I need to start building a life for myself now and this isn't the way to go.

Sorry...

...For the massive gap in posting.

I've been as OK as I can get at the moment, which is pretty good for me.
Had a MASSIVE medical form to fill out from the jobcentre because they want their own doctors to assess me in a couple of weeks. Wasn't the most fun to fill out.

Ooooo, I've also been a little preoccupied with a book I bought off of Amazon. It's called Wreck this Journal and you do exactly what the title suggests. Each page tells you to do something messy or destructive to the book and you do it. Simple as.

So far I've broken the spine, scribbled over things, written my name in different ways, torn pages out and glued parts together.

I've started my christmas shopping as well now.
I'm holding off on getting the uni crew anything until I know the date of when we're actually going to meet up again.
So far I've managed to buy things for The Mister's parents, his sister, my Godson and Emz. I still have my parents, my niece and Mister to get things for and is the hardest one!!! I've only managed to get him a Spinal Tap T-shirt so far. He's a pain in the arse because he already has everything he wants and doesn't stop to think about buying things. That and his birthday is 5 days after Christmas. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I have a crush on my psychologist.
She's beautiful and makes it VERY hard to concentrate during sessions. the fact that she's not that much older than me and that she's so nice and laughs at my jokes probably doesn't help very much either.
I'll get over it. We only have four sessions left.

Am still nervous and excited about going to erotica on the 20th. The tickets came through last week so I guess that kind of makes things final. I think The Mister is feeling the same.
Oh well. It should still be interesting.

That's pretty much all the news I have for the moment.
Bit dull but oh well.

Your mouth was made to SUCK MY KISS!

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Life...

Is ok.

It's not good and it's not bad.
I'm not happy but I don't want to jump off the tallest building anymore either.

I suppose the happy pills are finally kicking in properly (even though they're giving me angry spots and monster headaches).
Doc has put me on a repeat perscription of them now as well as more acne treatment and the new pills to help out with the IBS.
I've gotten a letter through from the adult psychology department too and I should be getting another 8 weeks of treament by the middle of next month.

As for me...yeah, I'm alright.
I now have the motivation to move.

It's good.

I'm so tired.

I've not really been sleeping properly over the last few weeks.
I'm not sure if it's my usual restlessness, worries over trivial things or my new higher dose of antidepressants making my system fudge up.
I'm really not happy about being on them anymore. I get strange headaches, I've got a feeling they're causing the sleep thing, I'm always tired and I've gone back to feeling depressed again instead of better. I've got an appointment with the doctor in two weeks to discuss it all.
Speaking of the doctor, I had to go today to talk through the whole IBS thing. She's given me Mebeverine which is an antispasmodic and I'm seriously hoping it works otherwise she's going to get me on beta-blockers (not really wanting that).
My huge fear for this week is me getting an attack during my birthday munch at spoons on Thursday or at Charlie's funeral on Friday (will explain both a bit more later).

On a better note the jobcentre have been getting in touch with me about services they offer for people on Employment and support allowance. I've been sent a list of LOADS of workshops and classes they offer for people with mental health conditions who are looking to get back into work. There are relaxation classes, exercise classes, stress and anxiety management, healthy eating workshops and assertiveness training to name a few things.
I have an interview with the jobcentre tomorrow to discuss my medical certificate and an interview with Workdirections next week to kick start the workshops. I'm REALLY REALLY looking forward to it.

It's my 23rd birthday on Thursday.
I have nagged the uni crazies and we're all going off to Weatherspoons to celebrate it in our true crazy style. I haven't seen everyone in such a long time. Only person I've seen is Biscuit and that was when we went on a day trip to Brighton together last month.
I'm a little annoyed with The Mister though. He has said he's going to come and meet us all after work for a bit but then he has to bugger off and go to studio with his other band. I'd usually understand but studio isn't compulsory, they go every week, the singer isn't even there this week and it's easy to call and cancel. I'm just pissed that yet another special day to be is cut short because of his stupid band stuff. My 22nd was taken over by studio stuff, he had to run from my graduation ceremony to get to a gig and now it's happening on my birthday as well. If I did the same he'd throw a massive hissy-fit at me.
We're going though a bit of a naff patch and this isn't helping.

I'm not looking forward to Friday at all.
My Dad's friend died from cancer a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know him very well but still think I should pay some respects. I used to play with his kids when dad was round there to help him fix stuff. Dad and Mum are trying hard to help out whenever they can and have kept conversation flowing whenever his widow calls to keep her company. I'm just not very good with funerals. No one is but...I don't know...

I can't actually remember what else I was going to say. That last paragraph has bummed me out a little bit.

Will update once the birthday passes x

Check me!

I bought a mini skirt!!!

A fat girl in boots and a mini skirt.
I'd say I hope my legs don't offend but I hope they do.


I'm starting to learn that I'm actually sexy when I don't dress like a boy.
It's a nice feeling.


No point to this really.

Bugger.

Damn doctor upped my antidepressant dose.

Damn it :o(
I hate being on the damn things and she thinks that It's wise I stay on them for around a year.

Sucks balls.

In love with a magazine.

Twitter threw up something amazing today.

http://www.filamentmagazine.com/

I've not even read it yet but I love it and want to have babies with it (ewwww, paper cuts!).
It's a woman's magazine with no fucking diets or fashion, just interesting articles, erotica and men pictured with the female gaze (if anyone can ever give me the name of a bisexual woman's magazine then please do. Boys are pretty but not exactly my thing most of the time).
It'll be nice having something to read other than Scarlet since that thing has gone waaaaayyy downhill.

Since I couldn't get a cover shot to post up, have some of the female gaze guys from issue 2.

Anyway, other news.....

Well I'm still job hunting and it's shit. I'm going to apply for Argos later just to get something to do over the Christmas season. I've also been asked to tutor my pharmacist's daughter because she's naff at English lit. I'm not looking forward to it but it's money at the end of the day.
I have a masters degree to save up for.

Pretty things.

I HAVE THIS:

I think it's the most gorgeous thing I've ever bought for myself. The opera gloves aren't a great fit and because of my stupidly huge boobs I had to go a size higher so the matching piece of string is too big, but the actual bustier IS AMAZING!
I wore it out as a top - with something hiding my shoulders a tad - and the amount of attention I got was insane. The Mister then saw it and the amount of attention was even more insane.

Men are hilarious!!

I love it though and it makes me feel good (not much does these days, lets be honest). Not bad for £10 in the Lovehoney sale.
When my next payment comes in I think I'm going to buy a proper corset to wear out and about. This thing holds things in really well but it's not overly sturdy for long periods of time (or for crazy boyfriends; I had to sew the underwire back in where he's managed to rip it out).

As for other news:

Meh, not much is going on to be honest.

I've discovered a love for Ugly Betty, am job hunting like a bitch and have to go back to the doctor do get a higher dose of happy pills since what she's got me on at the moment don't seem to work.

Oooooooooooooooo and and and, The Mister asked if I'd like to go and see Phantom of the Opera for my birthday. That got a "HELL YES!"
And and annnnnddd he's taking me to the Erotica exhibition in November. I'm really looking forward to going and I can't believe he finally feels comfortable enough to come along (I did tell him there would be boobs).

That's pretty much all my news right now. Not exciting but hey.

The drugs don't work.

When are antidepressants supposed to kick in?
I've been on these things for nearly 4 weeks now and feel like sod all is changing.
I still hate being on them but if you're going to alter my nerves then at least do it effectively.

As well as still being on those and still nom-ing peppermint capsules and painkillers for the IBS, I got the results of my blood tests back last Wednesday. My iron is low so I'm on Ferrous Sulphate for 4 months to get it back to normal again and my cholesterol is up by .09
I tried to explain to her after she nagged me about being overweight and eating too much fat that I do actually eat healthy and this is something I'm not going to be able to change very easily. She went off on a huff and didn't believe me.
I hate people who think that because I'm fat I must eat like an idiot. Aside from a few treats which I have now cut out of my diet completely, I live off wholegrain, salads, skinless chicken, rice & pasta, jacket potatoes with nothing but a scrape of low-fat spread inside. I constantly drink water, I try to get my 5-a-day...damn woman wouldn't believe me!!!! ARGGGHHHH!
Only thing I can think of doing is exercising more which is near impossible because I always feel too low to bother getting dressed and going outside. I tried to get back in the Wii fit thing the other day but had 5 minutes on there and got bored.

I'm still job hunting with no luck too.
I'm back with the jobcentre and on Employment & support benefit until my medical certificates run out. £100 a fortnight...what a load of shit.

Where do you take a man on a date?

Seriously, I'm asking.

After a conversation with The Mister yesterday I've decided to take him on a date. It's a way for us both to go out and do something and it's also a bit of a way to say thanks for everything he's done to help me lately. I've been getting more and more crap news from the doctor with every visit and he's been right there still when I've needed him.

So, yeah, it's a sweet idea. Problem is that I have no idea where or what to do. I've been trying to go with things I know he loves in order to piece together a great day, but nothing seems to be working out properly.
His first love is guitars and music, but all those kind of events finished way back in June and no music museum seems to focus much on them. I had the idea of taking him to one of the biggest Gibson retailers in London then going off for a picnic somewhere but it doesn't sound that good.

He also loves food, so I thought about maybe going to borough market next week because he keeps nagging on about it. Problem with that is I'm planning to cook and he'll go mad and buy things to eat therefore he'll ruin my surprise.

He likes theatre but I can't find anything decent and cheap/free.
He likes history but not the kind you can find in an ordinary museum.

ARGGGGHHHHH!!! GOING MAD!!!

Things right now.

I've been on antidepressants for 5 days now and so far all they seem to do is make me restless an hour or so after I take them. I also seem to be getting more headaches than usual. I feel lower right now too but that could be anything. The doctor said they can take 2-4 weeks to actually kick in so I'm just playing the waiting game for now. I hate the fact that I'm on them and part of me wishes that I didn't agree to this.

I had blood taken on Monday morning because the doctor FINALLY wants to investigate all the sleep problems I have. Well I have been mentioning it for 8 years, y'know, I think it just might be time to actually see what the fuck is happening.
I had two nurses in with me, one senior and one student, but they were both useless. What should have taken 10 minutes tops took half an hour because they couldn't find a vein. When they eventually did, the senior nurse put the needle to my arm, looked away and started going "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry..." as she pushed it in.
WHAT THE HELL?
As well as that I had to remind her to clean my arm first because she forgot and I've been left with a crappy bruise that could have been avoided.
Dad reckons not finding veins quickly enough is the sign of a crap nurse. I think I agree.
I've been donating blood since I was 18 and they've never had a problem and I've never had a bruise.

I now officially hate Wednesdays.
I see the psychologist at my mental health centre there every week for an hour and I can't stand it. She can see exactly what I did the last time I was there through reading my old files yet she doesn't and we go through the same crap I already did two years ago. I can see what's she's trying to do but I don't need to understand how to identify thoughts and mood - I'm well practised in that - I need to be able to get help feeling positive enough to change my thoughts.
This cognitive stuff is a bitch.

The IBS is getting worse.
If I get to hot, too cold, too stressed, to tired...it flares up.
I'm so pissed off with it now it's untrue. I can't venture out too far, eat what I want where I want, be too active in case I overheat.
I've been taking peppermint capsules and they seem to be helping with a fair bit of the pain but everything else is still a problem. I've had to miss out on a BBQ with The Mister and friends today because I don't want it to flare up in a strangers house.

Life just seems so stressy right now. I'm getting fed up.

Meh.

I'm on antidepressants.

FUCK!

As well as that, I have to go for blood tests on Monday to make sure my feeling tired and run down isn't due to anything else and I have to see my doctor even more than before.
*Sigh*
I fucked up getting a sick note as well so I still have no source of income what-so-ever. Mum said she's coming with me on Wednesday morning to talk to her about it because I froze up when I tried today. After that I have to go to the psychologist for more of the same crap as every other time I've gone there.

Everything just feels like it's going wrong.

I'm also desperate to do a Masters in September but can't find money anywhere. The way I'm feeling right now means that it's stupidly difficult to get a job to help pay for such a thing.
I've been looking at bank loans but the repayments are harsh.

Urrgghhh, let me sleep.

I'M A GRADUATE!!!

OH MY FUCKING FUCKSOCKS...I DID IT!!!!!

It's taken me a couple of days to write a blog about it because I've not come down from the experience much until now. I've been floating around with a whacking great smile on my face since Friday afternoon and going through my photos about a million times a day.

I got ready for the ceremony at about 10 in the morning to do my hair and make-up (hair took forever since the hairdresser from hell got her hands on it again. She layered my fringe...WHAT THE FUCK?). I managed to get the last of the blister plasters I'd bought and stuck them all over my feet before The Mister buzzed my door.
Unfortunately I was feeling a combination of nerves and the last agonising stabbing pains of the same damn IBS attack from a couple of days before, so I felt awful before we left and during the hour car journey to Guilford.

When we got there and finally managed to park up, we had to walk to the Austin Pierce building of the university to get out tickets and don the robes. I had a grumpy sod dress me.

He shoved my robes on then yanked the hood over my head and popped the mortarboard down really fast on my head (seriously, it made a clunking noise). After that I found my parents and The Mister who proceeded to go "Awwwwwwwwww" at me and shove cameras up my nose.

After that - and after Mum bought me a graduation bear - we wandered around campus looking for the walkway to the cathedral. There were soooo many stairs and my hood kept coming off of my button and strangling me.
We all filed into the Cathedral - my parents and The Mister running to try and get front row seats - and I wandered along to my aisle where I was given a card with my name on and instructions on what to do once I get up to the stage. My parents wasted no time in standing up from their seats to take photos of me sitting down and talking to a student I'd never met before but who looked just as cacky-pants as I did.

The organist was AMAZING!!

Oh, he couldn't hit all the notes for shit but he started playing film theme tunes. We sat through a medley of Phantom of the Opera, Flight of The Navigator, Star Wars, Jurassic Park and, when all the important chancellor people were walking in and we all had to stand, the guy started playing the Superman song. I'm still saddened by the fact that he didn't play the Hogwarts theme.

The ceremony was as expected. Old people in iffy hats nagged on about how amazing we all were. Then the hand shaking thing commenced.

After that, it was time to officially put on our hats and file out of the Cathedral.
I met Radish, Sprout and Patricia outside along with all their parents (mine had wandered off and gotten lost somewhere). More photos happened of course:

Everyone else went into the tent thingy for booze after that. I, however, ran back down to the Austin thingy building with Mum to get my official photos taken as I thought I'd fucked it up and left it too late. I had ones on my own take - at first without a fringe which looked disgusting - then decided I wanted ones done with my parents and Ben so I called them and they came down to have them taken with me. Mister was soooo unusually quiet, which was odd.

After the photos it was pretty much time to give the fancy dress back which I really didn't want to do at all. After that it was back to the car and back home. My day was over far too quickly.

I can't believe I actually did it. Without falling up/down the stairs.

An update.

So I haven't said much for a bit.
That's generally because I've been concentrating on my health.

I still see the doctor every couple of weeks and I've finally started sessions with a psychologist at the mental health centre. I don't have the best feeling ever about the appointments - I'll have 8 in total - but I'm pretty much going along with anything that holds off being stuck on Prozac.
I've been given things to do in the run up to my second assessment appointment next week. She's given me two chapters from a book about managing anxiety and I have a mood chart to fill out every hour. I have to write down what I did in that hour then mark my mood from 0 - 100 (0 being so crap I can't move and 100 being a floating on air type thing).
It's horrible because I have to write EVERYTHING. I even have to write if I have sex and what my mood was with that.......I hate that. I've left the squares blank because I don't want to write it.

That aside, I've had an ok week.
My parents have been on holiday so I've had The Mister staying here with me. It's been nice even though he's spent the last two days looking after me because I've had an IBS attack that just wont go away (yeah, I have that now too). I'm trying everything from changing the food I eat and cutting things out to taking peppermint oil capsules. I think the oil is doing something...nothing major but the pain seems to fade off for a while after I've taken them.

Back to the free house...
Before they left, mum and I drove up to my aunt's in Lincolnshire with the dog so she could look after him over the break. I spent time with my Granddad on the day we got there then spend a few hours with my uncle Billy before we left. I LOVE him so so much and was so happy I got to spend time with him. He looks so frail now that I try to make every effort to talk to him when I can because going all the way there to see him is a problem.
We sat in a dim room drinking, listening to Hawkwind and talking about music. He gave me £100 to play with as well. I tried to give it back but he refused.

Tomorrow is graduation day and I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I've spent the evening getting my plasters ready for my shoes and making sure I have all my letters and parking permits in one place.
I have such a horrible feeling that my gown won't fit. Probably a stupid fear but I can't shake it off.
Good news is that I somehow managed to get an extra ticket, so my parents are coming to see it along with The Mister. I never thought that would happen.

Anyway, I'm off to get something to eat.

Byyyyeeee xxx

I'm Graduating.

With a 2:1.


You have no idea how fucking pleased I am about thaat!

Dilema

I'm having a bit of one.

Basically, a week from now I have my usual two week "Have you slit your wrists yet?" check up with my doctor.
She asked me to use these two weeks to really have a think about taking the antidepressants she keeps offering me. This is the dilemma.
I am fed up of feeling tired and sad and angry and stressed out all the time, but I'm so afraid of the side effects that it's really stopping me from wanting to touch them (let alone pay for them out of my dwindling funds).
If I choose to take them then I'll be on the things for 6 months/1 year and...and...I just don't know.

Just look at what I mean:

Dry mouth
Urinary retention
Blurred vision
Constipation
Sedation (can interfere with driving or operating machinery)
Sleep disruption
Weight gain/loss
Headache
Nausea
Gastrointestinal disturbance/diarrhea
Abdominal pain
Inability to achieve an erection
Inability to achieve an orgasm (men and women)
Loss of libido
Agitation
Anxiety

See, now I already have abdominal pain, am having investigations carried out for IBS, fall asleep all the time, have an ever lowering sex drive and can never get "over the edge" anymore, can never sleep properly and suffer with an Anxiety disorder.
I am am near bricking it about having whatever the hell she wants to give me making all that so much worse.

But I also hate how much living seems to hurt. I'm on the waiting list to see the practise councillor and to see a psychologist at the mental health centre. Problem is that the waiting lists are so long and my patience with feeling this way is getting increasingly shorter.

I hate this. Why can't I be happy?

I

Almost broke up with The Mister last night.

When the words were coming out of my mouth my brain - at least I think it was - jumped in and cut my sentence off.
It's cliche but I literally choked on them. They clumped together at the back of my throat, tangled around each other, and blocked the way.







I've been told not to make major decisions until I'm recovering

So the deal at the moment.

I had my appointment and the doctor has now decided that I have to go back to the mental health centre to see a psychologist again. She's put my name down on the waiting list, but it can take up to 9 weeks before I get seen so I'm being left on the practise councillor's waiting list and I have to see the doc every two weeks until someone sees me.
I refused medication again but she wants me to reconsider my choice and said I can make an emergency appointment at any time if/when I'm ready. She's also sending a message to the mental health care centre at my local hospital so if at any time I can't cope or lose it completely I can be taken there and will have a room to stay in (it didn't come to that when I was suffering worse than this so I shouldn't need a room).

That's my crazy lady news anyway.

Normal life hasn't exactly picked up much. I'm still stuck at home most of the time without much to do but The Mister has taken more time to call or text me on the days where we can't see each other. It's a start on what I yelled at him about last week but I've yet to see any extra time spent with me properly. He did come and meet me after I donated blood yesterday, stayed calm in a room full of giant needles and bought me a lot to drink as I kept feeling wobbly. He took me home, cooked and stayed with me for a few hours until he had to run to meet the band.
It was funny when he came to meet me. Him rushing from work teamed with the heat made him look awful. He came in, walked over to where I was sat and a nurse immediately ran up to him, pulled out a chair and offered him something to drink.

"I haven't donated, I'm just picking my missus up."
"Oh...are you alright though? you don't look very well at all."
"It's just the heat. I'm fine."
Lady laying on an emergency bed who had not long come around from passing out: "Haha, he needs this bed more than I do."
Strange man nursing a coffee: "Boy just needs a tan!"
"I got 3rd degree burns from the sun when I was a kid. I don't like intentionally tanning."
"Get Shell to slap some fake stuff on you."
"She'll make me streaky on purpose."
Me: "SLANDER!"

That was ever so slightly amusing. Just the fact that he looked worse than all of us lot who had just had a pint of blood taken in the heat.

I've put my cheque in the bank now so I'm waiting for that to clear so I can book mine and Emz's spa day. She needs to give me £50 so I can put that in and pay the lot on lastminute.com
I'm looking forward to being pampered.

Tomorrow.

I don't want the morning to happen.
Can't I just skip right past it with sleep?


It's my appointment with the doctor and I'm so nervous I feel sick. Mum is writing a letter for me to take with me about how I've been at home since the depression hit and I have a funny feeling that's going to make meds happen. I'm in two minds about taking them.
I don't see life getting any better...that's a reason to take them, just to see if maybe I can start to see beyond the day I'm in. I'm just really scared of things going wrong and them making me feel worse than I already do.

I wish this wasn't happening.

It's day two...

Of me trying to sort my life out.

So obviously yesterday was day one...sorting out what to do about The Mister.

After waiting around yesterday for him because he said he'd see me and it didn't happen, I sent a text saying we need to talk as soon as he has a moment free in his "busy schedule."
When he called he was walking along to the youth club at his old church.
I pretty much went mad.
I yelled at him down the phone, told him every single thing that has been making me unhappy about the relationship, cut off all his crap excuses before he could make them, cried my face off, made him cry, yelled some more.
My throat is killing me from shouting and crying, but it was worth it. He's going to sort it all out and that's not just some crappy excuse I've listened to and believed like I have done in the past. I've given him an ultimatum: one month to sort out his schedule and make for time for me in his life or I'm leaving him.
I've even marked off the day on my calendar.

Today, being day two as I said, is me looking around for spa treatments. I desperately NEED a bit of pampering for a couple of hours at least. I feel disgusting.
I'm looking at two for one offers so Ems or Mand can come with me too (I don't fancy going alone). My Granddad gave me £50 as a graduation gift to spend on celebratory drink but I'd rather be treated.

Tomorrow, day three, I'm off out for the day with my cousin Mand. I have no idea where we're going yet but I'll think of somewhere. Anyplace with a bar is good really.

Saturday, day four, I'm FINALLY going to see The Mister's niece. She was born two months ago but every time I've asked to visit, and his sister as asked me to visit, he fobbed me off with excuses. Not this time. I'm seeing her and then he and I are going out...on MY orders!

Sunday, day 5, is a lazy Sunday with my parents.

Monday, day 6, The Mister is coming. We're going to talk more.

Tuesday, day 7, I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning. She's going to run me through her depression diagnostic again and we're going to discuss me going on some form of medication. She wants me on some form of Prozac - fluoxetine, I think - for a little while along with the counselling appointments I'm due to start in a few weeks time.
After that I'm off to give blood in the afternoon. I just need to find someone around the area to get me safely onto a bus home afterward because I tend to feel sick and sleepy for a few hours afterward.

That's pretty much the week ahead in a nutshell.
I'm trying to fight away my blues as best I can.

Poo Drops.

My parents are pretty much making me go back to the doctor this week instead of next. Mum is concerned about the amount of crying fits that are happening (some I'm not even aware of) and Dad just looks lost when trying to speak to me.

I don't want to go back early and I really don't want the prozac crap she keeps trying to get me on.






Someone make this go away :o(

And it continues...

I'm so far easing up the loneliness and the crap thoughts by reading. I'm managing a novel a day so far...sometimes a novel and a half if they're not ridiculously long.
As well as that, I'm drinking enough cider and cheap wine to take the edge off of some of the worst feelings. I don't have enough to get drunk, just enough to numb things a little bit.
I've been trying to plan little trips out for myself. Museums or galleries or even a wander around a new place in London I've not explored before as a treat for putting in the effort to get washed and dressed but I haven't really managed to get out of the house very much as of yet.
When none of that is happening I just sleep and usually manage to fall under the haze before I have enough time to think and have my eyes well up.
It's better to have that back than to be plagued by insomnia again. That brought the count up to 2 books...and that's just stupid.

I'm trying to fight it off but I'm failing to see the point in doing so if I'm honest.

Anyway, back to reading.

Going to get help.

I've gotten really sick.
I'm tired all the time, upset and angry for no reason, nothing is exciting, I can't be bothered to get up in the morning or even get washed and dressed, I fall asleep during the day, I cry without realising it and my head feels like there's a build up of fog that won't shift.

I realise now I need to get myself some help again before it's too late and the fog takes up a permanent positon.
I've tried to find places to go, walk in clinics, that offer this stuff free but they all charge. I'm going to have to go back to seeing Mo at my GP surgery. I'm scared of my doctor so braving the phone and her examination room seems like such a lot just to talk to a woman who resembles Penfold from Danger Mouse.

I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. I usually sleep to get rid of time but it's making my whole body ache.
It's either that or I drink. I knock back just enough to feel giddy and stop the world from stinging.

Most of the time...

I really wish I didn't exsist.

I'm a whiney, foul brained and insignificant piece of shit.


Goodnight.

I REFUSE to drink that much again!

I'm hungover from pear cider, cheap champagne and wine that tasted like it could go on a bag of chips.

It was my college photo thingy yesterday, so I met the guys in the bar for cider and pizza first and then we ran off to the chapel to get snapped by an insane photographer.
Me, Radish and Pease were standing on a table right at the back of the shot, so that was a scary jump down. Gladly I've made it through the whole three years now without an embarrassing fall (watch when Graduation day hits...I'm going to roll down the stairs and knock everyone down in a domino type fashion).
After that was the reception where we all stood around drinking piss poor champers and running up frequently for top-ups. Apparently the collage chaplain came and spoke to Biscuit and me for a while but I don't remember that.
Next we ran off - still with glasses in hand - and went to the chesney building to watch Rhubarb & co do readings. Can't remember any of that either apart from something about Mr T's birthday and Adam saying something about swine flu in a poem (at least I think it was a poem).

I managed to stick to the cranberry juice for a little bit until I got home and was greeted by wine and lukewarm chicken. I think it tasted good.

I'm not drinking that much again in a hurry.
Now I remember why I stopped in the first place. Feeling dead in the morning is not the future.

On the plus side I was with my friends and I bought a book off Kara which I love very muchly (and can freak out The Mister with it!).

It's just dawned on me...

I haven't had a little adventure in YEARS!

That party yesterday was all kinds of crap. I love my cousin very much but her friends are arses...MASSIVE ONES!
One in particular, Chris, goes out of his way to argue with me, never stops looking down my top, butts into conversations he's not a part of and asks me pervy questions about my mum (so now she's going to knock him flat out next time they have to been in the same room).
Going back to my title, everyone was sharing stories about being lost in weird places, or meeting people who kept offering them cocktail sausages or fires on planes and I sat there thinking, wracking my brains completely, about what I've done lately that's been madcap.

Answer = nothing!

Ever since uni and meeting The Mister I've really toned down.
I remember being 18 and drunk with Emz. We would dance around pubs, pick up men/women so we didn't have to pay for our drinks, befriend bar folk for freebies (I miss you triple measure man!) and end up sitting in a park or on top of a massive wheelie bin on the other side of London singing our hearts out to songs we couldn't remember the words to.
Or Soho with Nicky checking out gay clubs and chickening out completely. Resigning ourselves to a grotty old dive drinking warm lager and bugging the little old men nursing their rusty looking ale.

I'm planning to break out of the steady life rut over the summer. Y'know, before having to work kicks in. I don't want to get stinking drunk and try to pick up strangers for free drinks anymore, I just want to do the things I like and LIVE A LITTLE!

I'm trying to plan things and I really want The Mister involved in stuff as well.
We like a lot of the same things and I've helped him to find out a few things about himself he never really knew before. We can work with this.
In the meantime I'm making an effort to leave the house at least once a day and go SOMEWHERE different or where I haven't been for a long time.

No more boring life...at least not this summer anyway.

Such a Corndog.

The Mister bought me a gift yesterday.
It's the most corny thing ever but I actually love it. It's a Bee holding a flower and, when you hit its foot, it starts singing "Be my baby"

Went to the cinema to see Coraline in 3D yesterday but I don't think it was worth it.
The film itself was really good and kept quite true to the book, but the 3D ruined it. Not enough popped out and, because it was for kids, the 3D parts didn't pop out at you but went around the sides of you instead. Far too toned down.
I might go and see it in 2D next week or something.

So right now I'm just killing time until I have to get a little bit dolled up for my cousin's birthday party. I've been out today trying to find a gift. Ended up buying her a body shop vitamin e thing and a box of cocktail chocolates (which I also bought myself...they're too strong for my liking but she'll probably like them).

I need to find food now because I'M HUNGRY!!!

Life and such.

Sorry I've been so crappy over my last few blogs.
I was on a bit of a downer - everything felt like it was caving in - but I'm almost OK now.
The problems The Mister and I were having have been sorted and I'm also starting to gain my life back away from Emz...

She was bugging me all week about going out drinking on Friday and I just didn't want to go. I'd like to think I've grown up a little bit over the last year or so and I've given up with the boozing and the staying out until stupid o'clock.
She gave me the "but I haven't been out and had a drink since my birthday", "You're my drinking buddy and it's not the same without you" and "it's so hard being a single parent" lines but I'm so fed up of being guilt tripped. It's all balls because she went out on a drinking weekend with her workmates a couple of weeks ago, she usually gets up and leaves me to smoke and flirt when we go out and I understand being a parent is hard but it's not an excuse. I'm not a parent but that doesn't mean anything I've got going on isn't hard too.
I already overlook the 7am phone calls, the promises of going out to catch up along with her son - my Godson - that she then cancels last minute because she'd rather be with a bloke she's just met and I forgave all the shit she put me through when The Mister and I split up...no sane person would have done that!!

After a conversation with my Dad I've now decided it's time to become more selfish.

A better offer came up for Friday evening, pure and simple. The Mister and I have been having problems lately and we've been slowly working things out. The offer was to come over Friday and stay the night, which I accepted straight away (screw alcohol and sweaty Australians in a pub, I really want to save my relationship). My Dad is right, I really need to stop being a dogsbody and start looking out for my own interests. I'm not about getting drunk, flirting with strange men for free drinks, eating my own weight in junk food and watching everyone around me get stoned. I was when I was a teenager and still finding myself but that phase has been over for a very long time and the only remains of it are a mental illness and Emz. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the two.

I still feel slightly guilty for saying no to going out, but I've had a really nice weekend and she'll probably be too busy with her new boyfriend to bother with me for a little bit. Space is nice.

What else...ah, Graduation.
I was really looking forward to it but it just seems to be turning into a crappy day months before it's even here. Some of my friends are no longer going and my Dad keeps moaning about having to go and how much it all costs etc.
It's only cost £65 between all three of in total to be honest. My Grandad sent me a cheque last week to pay for my robes, tickets and smart dress in exchange for a photo of me throwing my mortarboard in the air on the day. I know I don't need a stuffy ceremony to show I've graduated, but it means so much to me that I just HAVE to be there. I didn't think I'd live this long, let alone get to and through university. I want to show off my dopey robes, have my name called and panic about falling flat on my face in front of everyone there. It's a shame people won't be there. Sometimes I feel like we're splitting apart.
I'm not going to the Summer ball anymore since no one else is and Radish is annoyed at me for it. I'm not spending £50 then another £50+ for a dress I'm only ever going to wear once for only two other people. I'd rather put that towards mine and The Mister's holiday during the summer.

I should be meeting Kara during the week (either that or on the Digby picture thingy in a couple of weeks). She's pretty much selling all of her stuff so I've nabbed her Skin Two yearbook.
I LOVE the fetish scene and have seen previews of the year book that have made me feel really enthused about buying it.
What's funny is I'm getting Mister into it a little bit as well. Probably not to the extent I like it but he's interested in a nervous laughter kind of way. Haha.

Going to be a quiet week. Only thing happening is Mand's birthday party on Saturday.
Am supposed to be seeing Coraline in 3D but I'm doubting it'll happen.

*Is fed up*

Relationship wise.

I AM NOT just here for convenience.
A phone call or a text with more than three words would be appreciated.
It's always me making that kind of effort.

Awwwwwww!

The Mister's sister had her baby yesterday morning.

Everyone is chuffed, she is absolutely adorable and Mister has gone completely goo-goo in the head about being an uncle. He's going to spoil that kid rotten, I can see it.
I spent the evening with him yesterday and he wouldn't shut up. Not that I mind in the slightest; it's cute to see him like this. Was weird when I said "Congratulations, Uncle!" and he said "And to you, Auntie!"
I just asked "Really?" and got an eye roll and a "duh" back at me before we ran into the cinema because we were late to see the film we were there for.

I haven't met her yet but I'm looking forward to it once Mister-Sister is back home and settled down a little bit.

Damn this portfolio.

I'm having so much trouble getting the stories for my portfolio finished.
I start them then get so stuck and frustrated that I give up.

I do love my crazy old characters, I just wish I could finish off their situations.

I picked a really tricky subject to write about.

AAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!


All I do is sit on my own all day with nothing to do.
I'm literally bored to tears. I don't have anywhere to go and no sod to go anywhere with.
I'm stuck inside the house all day waiting around for Dad's deliveries while hoping and praying to whatever the hell might be out there that someone has maybe said hello to me on facebook or something.

Why has life gotten this shit and this lonely?
It was bad and lacking in people anyway but now it's gotten to a breaking point.
I don't know what to do with myself and the people who are "supposed" to care are never fucking there!

The only time I ever look forward to is bed time. At least then I can sleep some hours away.

Still the same.

I feel no better about anything from yesterday and, just to make it even more grrrrr, I've been itching to write but nothing is coming out. It's like mental constipation or something...you know it's there but it ain't moving no matter how much you clench.

I've been looking at jobs today and they all bore the feck out of me. Half the writing jobs want experience or a degree already classified and I can do neither.
Experience isn't too difficult and I already know a couple of legit websites and magazines to get work in but I have no ideas at all. I wonder if there's a cure out there for blockage of the brain bowels?
I then had a look at college courses just so I could faff about until I found my true calling but there was no such luck on that front either.

Life just doesn't feel like anything right now.
I'm not trying to be all "woe is me" and depressing because I don't feel depressed or low or even a bit down, I just feel like life is slowing to a stop and I'm more confused than anything.
I'm also questioning things: my relationships with people (one in particular), things I think I can do now, whether I should say things to certain people and if I should up sticks and escape from everything. Say my farewells then start again somewhere new.

I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going or even where I'd quite fancy ending up.

Right now I've been focusing on other people to take my mind of choices I have to make.
I've been an agony aunt to pretty much everyone in my life these past few weeks.
It's Mum I'm keeping my attention focused on right now. She's just been diagnosed with Bells palsy so Dad and I are keeping things in check and making sure she takes her meds etc etc.

Maybe it's time I sought out an agony aunt once again?

I feel miserable.

What with never going out, not having people to talk to, feeling completely overshadowed and having my hormones fucked with yet again I just feel like crap.

I don't actually know what to do anymore.
Life seems pointless right now.

Crappy few days.

I have had such a shit time.
I didn't lose Emz in the end but she's giving speaking to me a rest for a little bit as she got that pissed off with me and The Mister. What's so frustrating is that the guy who brought about this situation in the first place, Suspence from the band, is the one she's not mad at for some reason.

To clear what happened up a bit...

Emz had been calling me before 7 in the morning pretty much every day of the week ranting and raving about things going on with her. She woke me up at stupid times, interrupted my coursework, ate into any time I managed to finally get to be by myself with no work. I felt stupidly tired and because I worry about her so much I get stupidly stressed out. The Mister turned up just as I was saying goodbye after a 3 hour long phone conversation then asked what happened. Rather than hold my tongue like I should have done, I blurted what the conversation was about in an angry shouty type way. I know I shouldn't have done that and her business is her business but the phone calls mounted up and so did my work.
Trusting The Mister as much as I do - well, did anyway - I thought nothing of it after blurting things. He doesn't know Emz that well and no one he knows speaks to her and he's not not a spiteful person so I had no fear of him saying anything (especially due to the nature of it...I won't go into that though).

Now here comes the pissy part.
For some reason Emz and Suspence started talking to each other over Facebook and she started to hang out with him. Whilst they sat about together, Emz basically told Sus almost everything about her situation that she told me. The problem with Suspence is he has a VERY big mouth and no understanding of what the line is and the point in which you cross it.

While Mister and Suspence were on their way to a gig, Sus brought the subject of Emz up and asked Mister if I ever told him anything about her. This lead on to Sus mentioning things but not explaining and trying to get Mister to finish his sentences. If it wasn't that then he was asking if he knew about certain things but not saying exactly what. Eventually he managed to egg Mister on to spill everything I blurted out a few days before plus more via phone conversations he had overheard between us. This carried on again during their studio session where Suspence brought her up in conversation again.
The Mister recons he said it all because he didn't think it was so bad to talk about it if someone else knew too and had no idea Suspence was like...well...see for yourself...

Suspence then relayed all of this to Emz making out that Mister started the conversations and that I apparently sit there and tell him everything about her all the time and "we have a laugh" about it.
I then get a VERY ANGRY phone call her morning after the last conversation took place with Emz screaming at me for telling Mister something and making her out to be a tart and that Mister will probably have told the whole group by now etc

In 11 years she has never spoken to me in a tone like that.

I needed to find out what the hell had happened so I called The Mister straight after I got off the phone to her and calmly tried to get answers. I asked why he decided to tell Suspence something that he didn't need to know, why he would tell someone with such a big mouth anyway if he absolutely couldn't keep it in for whatever stupid reason and if he really just has no regard for mine, or more importantly Emz's, feelings.
That was when he told me what Suspence had done in order to get the info out of him in the first place (I believe Mister over Sus simply because he doesn't lie...I've known him for three years and he's honest to the point of being painfully blunt a lot of the time). I started crying and said that this has probably damaged mine and Emz's relationship beyond repair and that I don't think I can trust him for a long while after this because it's not the first time he's said something he shouldn't to the wrong person (I can cope with that when it's about me but not the people I love). He made the mistake of saying "things said in couples should stay within the couple" and that pretty much made me explode because he hadn't followed that at all yet sounded almost like he was preaching it.
He called Suspence straight after I hung up on him and said that he needs to tell Emz's that he's not guilt free in the whole situation (I'm sure you can guess, everything was on me and The Mister at this point). He said that because of all the stirring Emz and I were probably finished and that he and I were either going to be finished or completely fucked up thanks to him and he needs to admit that he blurted out everything she confided in him to Mister and the other band members who were also present (apparently Mister wouldn't answer things in front of everyone).
Suspence sent me a message on Facebook to say sorry about not thinking but I told him where to go.

A few hours later I got a call back from Emz who said that Suspence called her to say he had his part in it but still blamed Mister for bringing everything up. Mist then yelled at him again and Sus FINALLY admitted that it was mostly him.

It's mostly sorted now.
I refuse to speak to Suspence for as long as possible.
Emz and I are still friends but having some space and she feels she can't trust me.
The Mister and I are going to have a talk because I feel like I can't trust him properly now.
He is no longer speaking to Sus unless he has to because of band things.
Emz is still hanging out with Sus and telling him things, so I sent him a simple message saying that he's in deep shit if I ever find out he's blabbed her business ever again to anyone.

As for me I'm just not going to blurt ever again.
I have a paper diary I'm going to offload on from now on. I'm not someone who divulges peoples secrets I just said things I shouldn't out of being angry and feeling like I have no one to speak to myself.

This has been one big mess and I very nearly lost two people I love more than anything because of it.
No matter how much I replay everything in my head, Suspence seems to always come off as the one who completely knew what he was doing.

*is angry*

You know what?
I can't trust anyone anymore.
From now on I'm just not going to bother telling people anything important. It just turns into complete shit.


I think I've lost Emma for good now.

Damn Glasses!

My pretty new glasses have to go back because there has a been a fat cock-up with them.
My vision is worse with them on than without.
I picked them up on Saturday and have been wearing them around the house as I was told by the dude in the store but everything STILL looks like it's sloping and I can't focus on words properly. I really have given them a chance but it's just not happening.
Mum is coming with me tomorrow to talk to them about what the hell I need to do. A re-test was mentioned when I was there because I complained about the problem straight off. My main concern is extra charges...if they do that to me then I'll flip.

This has all just been a big pain because I need them. My eyes a fudged.

So what's going on with me?

I haven't really written anything properly for a while so I suppose it's time to splurge my brain out.

I bought myself a new pair of glasses.
I got them last week after I saw a sign saying "FREE EYE TEST TODAY ONLY!" outside of Specsavers. We had to go in there anyway because my baby cousin crushed her older brother's glasses and we all went in after we'd finished in Aroma to get them fixed.
We were standing around trying on glasses and I found a pair that I actually liked so I got the test done and bought them (£118 with my student discount).
I have to wear glasses most, if not all, of the time now. My eye test showed that I have an astigmatism in my left eye and that's the reason why it's much more crappy than the other eye. It could also be the reason why I get so many headaches.
I'm waiting for them to call me back today as to whether they'll be ready to pick up this afternoon.
They're rather snazzy and have no frame so to speak, just the arms and the bit for the bridge of the nose which are coloured light purple.

The Mister is on the mend!
He's still not himself but he's brighter than he was before so it seems. His knee is also getting there as well. He's still on the pain killers but needs them much less frequently now so it's simply a case of waiting the last little bits of pain out.
He's staying over at mine tomorrow as well which I've been looking forward to since it was suggested. Aside from around 3 hours at his gig the week before last, he and I haven't spent any proper time together in nearly 3 weeks.
I actually need to see for myself that his knee is getting better because what he says and what is actually going on are two different things sometimes.

I FINALLY have a new phone!
My old Sony Ericsson K810i was dying a grim death. It couldn't hold a signal for calls, it kept switching itself off, messages took forever to get through and it made people sound like Daleks a lot of the time.
My parents bought me a Sony Ericsson C902 as an early graduation pressie and I'm well chuffed with it. I made a call on it earlier and the Specsavers lady sounded crystal clear and at no point was I awaiting the yell of "EXTERMINATE!"

I've spent the last three days cleaning my bedroom. I threw away loads of old clothes, I pulled out all the furniture and steam cleaned the floor, I scrubbed the windows, turned the mattress and now I'm shattered. That was so much work but it does feel a lot better in here now...like I can breathe.

Uni is over now.
I had my very last class on Tuesday and that's it. I handed my BOW work in, had a drink with Radish, Sake and Rubarb then went to get bored for a few hours.
I was going to stick around for another drink when the class had ended but I had the overwhelming urge to just run out of that place as soon as possible and go home for a snooze.
All I have left to do is my work for FaIF and my essay for Children's lit then it's twiddle thumbs time until graduation day.

Something odd happened the other day. Well, odd for me anyway.
My Mum came to me asking for contraception advice!
To put this into a little perspective...she and I don't talk about things like this. We never have done and I was under the assumption that we never would. I learnt about sex from J17 and Bliss magazines when I was growing up, or from crappy school classes where we had to wear am empathy belly whilst being told sex was bad and babies would destroy us all.
The most I've ever said to her is "Mum, I'm going on the pill...if my moods go iffy then tell me." and that's been it.
She's been trying to talk to me for a few weeks apparently but I had no clue. On our way back from my grandparents house the other day, whilst we were both walking the dog, she just asked "What's the name of the pill you're on?"
So I told her and then she goes "My doctor is trying to get me on the same one but I'm worried about it."
What followed was a loooonnnnggg talk about things that could happen on it, side effects I'm going through myself, how effective it is, what to look out for. She asked me for leaflets if I had any because there were two other things they recommended to her and if I would mind her seeing my pack to note the size of them.
After all that she just went "I'm glad I could talk to someone," then smiled and said "want a cuppa?"
I always assumed situations like this went the other way around.

Specsavers haven't called me back.
I might ring them again and nag a weenie bit. I don't mean to be a pain but I want my glasses.

Blimey...just...blimey.

The end bit has made me feel very odd.

FFS!!

I feel like I have no room to breathe right now!

I'm so pissed off and stressed out about things at the moment that I need some alone time, but this seems to just not be getting through to some people.
My phone won't stop ringing, as soon as I sign into Facebook I'm bombarded by the chat application, the house is a noisy mess where the door buzzer goes off every 5 minutes...

I want to be by myself.
I want nothing more than to just shut myself away whilst I do my work and not have to deal with anyone (aside from The Mister as he's the only reason I'm even keeping my phone switched on).
I have too much going on right now to want hear someones whole menu plan for the day, or someone else's sickening sex life, or what so and so has been up to in the group, or a blow by blow account of some stupid arse computer game that has just been finished. I don't care...I DON'T CARE!
I'm not even a talkative person - it's a well known fact - why is everyone bugging me?

As soon as my first deadline has passed that's it. I'm hiding away for a little while.
I love my friends and family but I just can't deal with it all right now.

This is tricky.

The other half has been going downhill in mood for about 3 weeks now and today, via a status change on Facebook, it appears he's pretty much either hit the bottom or is close to it now.
He thinks he has nothing to show for his choices and that he's going to be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of his life.
Ok, so it doesn't sound like a major downfall but before this happened he was pretty much the eternally happy one. Always optimistic, hilarious, refused to ever let anyone be too sad in his company...he looked forward to things. Now he's gotten so low he hardly cares when things happen and just carries on for the sake of it. He can't be arsed with his friends and his faith is waining.
Life has been hard lately and I think he's bottled so much up that it's now manifesting itself in this way. Problem is that I have no idea how the hell to try and help him.
I'm in a better position that him mood wise at the moment so am trying so hard to keep spirits up slightly and offer an ear whenever he needs it (day or night for however long...I really don't care!) but it just feels like it isn't enough. I've never experienced him in this way before.

*Doesn't know what to do*

Right, well as most who read me know, I got laid off from Lush cosmetics back in January due to a more staff than money situation.

I got an call from one of the girls I used to work with whilst I was out last night and she let me know of an open interview thing running with another branch tonight at 8.
They specifically want people who have already worked for them somewhere along the line.
I don't know if I should go or not.
Aside from my tart of a boss I did love that place, but if I get the job then I won't have enough time to dedicate to the last major bits of my uni work (I'm a 3rd year and these are my final deadlines so...y'know).

I need money but I don't want to screw my degree either.

I spoke to the other half about it and he thinks I should get uni over and done with because jobs will always come and go. I asked Dad and he thinks I'm being silly and should try and get it to set me up for after I leave.

Stuck much?

I think I just need a holiday.

When my deadlines are through that is.

All this feeling stressed and lost is my body telling me it needs a break...prefferably in a swanky hotel with a cosy bed and big fuck off TV for company.
Actually, it doesn't even have to be a swanky hotel. A bungalow in Skegness would do me well quite frankly.
I'd love it if I wasn't on my own in said bungalow either, but The Mister working in a school means that an hotels and holody places are at their most expensive when he's off on school holidays.
I'll work it out somehow.

On the subject of My other half. He's been hit by a car.
Great.
Told me on Facebook earlier. He hobbled into work and they've made him leave to get to the hospital and have his knee looked at because it is now fudged. Luckily the hospital is more or less across the road from the school so he should be in there now getting it seen to.
He's not catching much of a break lately. My poor baby :o(

I'm not confident about this BOW essay either. I mean I wasn't really anyway, but lack of books needed for it in the library have just sent me into a major panic. I ended up going onto Amazon and just buying the damn things on express delivery (£8.20...I'M A STUDENT!!! ARGGHH!!!).
Fuck knows how I'm going to blag 2,500 words before quotes. I did some vox-pops outside of a bookshop the other day to find out what the public think about short stories and I'm looking at magazines and other places that publish them...I'm going to attempt to make my explaination of "What is the literary market anyway?" stretch out to about 200/300 words (you'd be surprised at some of the stuff I've learnt over my years of being a prize procrastinator).

Had a tutorial with Leone yesterday afternoon which went well. She likes the direction my stories are going in - I just have to work on viewpoint a bit with one of them - and that they were very funny. Not too sure what form I want them to take yet though...I'm trying to narrow it down to either a Wiki page or a box of objects. I did ask if I could write it on a bus door but she said she didn't want me arrested and has no idea how a student can submit a door anyway.
Then she asked if I could possibly make my submission edible but I don't know if it'll stay fresh that long (also, on a random point, I found out she steals our folders that we submit work in if they're particularly nice).

I should have a bath and get dressed really but I can't be arsed.
Oh wells.

Well...

For some reason I feel really lost lately.
Really fed up, like I'm stuck in a rut and...just lost...

I think I need to get out.

So much...stuff...

This next week is going to be rather hellish.
BOW work is due in on the 31st and I've not done a thing for it so far. No sod got back to be with answers to my questions, so fuck knows how I'm going to write 2,500 words before quotes. Bloody Liz...
It does mean, however, that I've had to put other things on hold while I get through all my work. I'm going to have two Mondays free of Ben. Don't get me wrong, I still love him like crazy but having a little breather will be nice. I need to just be me for a little bit and not with the Mister as part of a couple. I'm pretty sure he'll be thankful for a reduction in the nagging as well. Plus it makes things feel a bit better when we do get to see each other again. We're stuck in a little rut at the moment and things like this help us appreciate the company and stuff...if that makes sense.

Had a strange conversation with Leone yesterday morning before class.
A few weeks ago she set us a piece of homework where we had to write something raw. Something from a dark and painful place inside that we then had to put on the page and try to be brave enough to show her...or someone.
When I first gave it in she read the very first line then came over and gave me a hug. Since then I've been a bit nervous and wondering if I took what I wrote a little too far.
Anyway, whilst it was just me in the room yesterday, she came over and sat with me. Didn't say anything at first, she just watched me go through my presentation notes. She then broke the silence by saying "I've learnt a lot about my class through the raw writing you all did."
I sort of smiled...I think...didn't really know what to say to that. She then went on, "Some of the best writing I've seen from you guys, but there's one I really clicked with." then she nodded at me.
She went on to say that as a piece of writing it was brilliant and that, even though it's not a comfortable voice, I'd do well to use it a little more sometimes. After that teacherly nod of approval she then went on to explain "It was that good because I could feel it...not only that, but I have felt it. It's very familiar and that's what made it so uncomfortable. You sound like me when I was your age."
I can't remember a lot of it after this because I stated to feel a little odd, but she basically said that she was very worried about me, that having a voice like this at only 22 is a concern. She wanted to know if I had any support outside of the university and if I've ever considered some kind of help for things. I explained the mass amounts of therapy, being locked in the welfare office in 2007 and told her that I can't be arsed with it anymore. I'm here and I get on with things as best I can and it's all I intend to do. After that she said that it's slightly above and beyond her duty but that if I ever need someone to speak to then I can drop her an email...even after I've left university and gone off to do whatever. She wants me to keep in touch with her.

It's just weird. Nice, but weird...
There's only ever been one other person who was this supportive and that was one of my English teachers at college when I first found out I was ill. I feel a little bit bad that I've not gotten in touch since I first got into uni. I might drop him an email.

Yus Yus!

The antibiotics have now all been swallowed up and I'M FREE TO DRINK MYSELF STUPID ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!
Oh, sweet sweet alcohol, how I've missed you.

It's great to be well again. No more pissing fire and living off cystopurin sachets mixed in cranberry juice.

The final step to feeling 100% better...DYING MY HAIR PURPLE AGAIN!
I just have to wait for mum to chill out for a little bit then she said she'd help me coat my head in Herbashine (which I really hope works out well as I've never used it before).

Then I have to tidy so everything is nice and not cluttered up in time for The Mister tomorrow afternoon. I miss him like mad and it's the last time we'll get to spend any time together for the next two weeks (excluding the gig at Punk on the 25th but even then I'm just there to see the band play and then I have to shoot off).

Ideas are even starting to flow for my uni work. All I have to really do now is contact my partner and sort out our presentation for Friday.

Life feels alright at the moment.

Not long until I'm back.

The me I'm a lot more comfortable with.
Since early December I've been trying to grow my hair out (promising only to trim my fringe and take half an inch off to stop split ends) but I looked at myself in the Mirror on Thursday and the longer hair just made me feel uncomfortable. That and the colour of it made me cringe.
I've booked a hair cut for this afternoon with my lovely hairdresser LuLu and I'm going to dye it tomorrow evening. I can't be doing with the wildness and the brunetteness any longer Purple it is!

I'm hoping that'll make me feel like my old self again because I've just gone a bit off lately.
I think it has to do with being on a million antibiotics and the stress of looming deadlines. Plus I'm still feeling a bit queasy at the thought of my cousin and that...man...yuck!
Missing my other half also isn't helping. It's getting worse and I know the two week "No seeing you or I won't get any work done." is going to eventually drive me mad.

I treated myself to some new clothes yesterday. Not much, just something to tide me over until I can afford a few more things. I also gave some money to Comic Relief...the films they showed last night had me in tears.

Gave the dog a bath not long ago so I now smell like a bottle of Bob Martins and am covered in fur.

I'm just moaning a bit now.

Oh my achey everything...

In an aid to get a bit more healthy, I've started exercising.
Since I can't afford the gym, my instructor has taken the form of Honey Kalaria in a Bollywood workout DVD.
It's knackering...honestly!
I'm great with the warm up exercises (even with the limited space in my bedroom), but the moment she speeds up I get 10 minutes in, lose my balance completely and fall over.
I got further through the routine than I did a few days ago which is promising, but God it's hard.

Hoping this works really otherwise I've given myself backache for nothing.

In other news...I still have that damn infection.
I've got another course of antibiotics to take to try and get rid of the bastard once and for all. I've been on them for two days now and I think they're starting to take some effect.
My pill is starting to piss me off a bit...I'll go into that when I can be arsed.

Goodnight for now xx

That's enough faffing around now...

I've just been given my lowest mark in uni since I started at that place.

I got 54% for my close analysis on The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time and it has come as a bit of a crushing blow.
If I don't pull myself together and stop being a lazy cow then I might actually be able to pull myself away from the looming 2:2 grade that my third year is pushing upon me.

I want my 2:1. It's not impossible.

I may do work very close to deadline but I work DAMN HARD to get everything done. I really slogged my guts out for that piece of work and it only got be a crappy 54 mark. I need to read more.
You're probably sitting there going "Oh, but it's okay because you passed."
It's not okay.
It's okay for other people who haven't been seen as slow or stupid or as an idiot most of their life, but I have a point to prove.

I need to knuckle down because I don't want another mark like that pulling me down to something I could have avoided. I need to WORK HARDER THAN EVER!!!!!



On a happier note: my uncle is finally out of prison. I'm looking forward to seeing him again just as soon as this damn degree finishes and I get my life back.

A brief note...

I'm never going to be able to look at Milky Bar buttons in the same way ever again.


Goodnight xxx

Oh that's just great!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I had to call the doctor today to find out my test results from Tuesday's appointment. She's put me on the wrong fucking antibiotics.
I knew it...they've worked a little bit but I'm still nowhere near better. I've not been able to go out and I've barely been able to sit through my lectures (that's if I even manage to make it in for them).
I'm having such a miserable week and this has just put the cherry on top of the whole sorry excuse for a cake. I have to go through another week of antibiotics, another week of discomfort and another two weeks of my pill not working all because the stupid twat of a doctor fucked it up.

I'm going to the walk-in centre from now on. It takes a while to be seen but at least they do their job.

Blimey.

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with
darkness?
Corinthians (I've forgotten the numbers.)

We had a snappy argument type thing over Religion.
That has never, in all 3 years of us knowing each other, happened before.
When we first met it was "Oh, I'm a Christian, I play in a worship band and stuff...you alright with that?"
"If you're comfortable with me being an atheist then it's all groovy."

We were on the phone and it somehow just cropped up. He got snappy and said all it would take would be 10 minutes of him speaking and I'd run back to Church awaiting forgiveness.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Firstly, no I doubt it. 10 minutes of big words will not do it. He seems to forget that I grew up with all of that Church and God stuff and I now don't believe it for a reason. I'm very happy with the choice I made and feel it's the right thing for me.
I thought that was accepted? I accept and respect what he believes.


That was just weird.
It was about 10/15 minutes of snapping then it died and he started a new conversation about what our pervy friend has been doing on Facebook.

Lets hope that one doesn't happen again.
My days of arguing over something as diverse as spiritual beliefs are well and truly over. Live and let live etc

Dreams.

I had a weird one last night.
Not about exploding pigeons, flying kettles or talking shoes...it was a different kind of weird.

I used to have a friend. Someone I eventually got very close to a long time ago.
We don't speak anymore - my choice, too dangerous - but this dream was just he and I sitting a blank room and talking.
We yelled at each other, I cried, I threw things, he turned his back and refused to speak, when he actually did it was in strange metaphors that I couldn't work out.
Then all fell silent. A tear rolled down his cheek and he began to disappear. Something he once said to me echoed around the room and then he was gone. Completely.
I was left in the room crying then felt someone hugging me and stroking my hair. I never saw their face but I'd recognise the grip of his hardened guitar strumming fingers, the light voice and the aftershave anywhere.

I firstly woke up feeling really sad that the final hug was just part of my dream and not my Mister laying by my side, then a sense of loss kicked in.

It's left me feeling very strange.

It would be a massive lie to say that I don't miss my friend every now and again. We did have some fun times and I often wonder what he's up to if he's happy.
I hope he's happy.

Everyone I want in my life right now I have. I'm the happiest I've been in a while.
I think this dream was a small moment of nostalgia mixed with my head perhaps making its peace with the last few things that were never said.
Either that or my antibiotics have the same effect as too much cheese.

Why again? WHY?

I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for go for a doctors appointment.
It's going to be a painful walk there and then to the chemist...

...I hate bladder infections.
They're happening too often now.

I didn't want to miss my literature class today. I love the book we were going to talk about but my appointment is at 12 and I don't think I'll make it comfortably through a 3 hour class.

Bollocks :o(

Against the orders...

I'm going out.
I feel like Stomp are doing a performance in my head whilst Jamie Oliver goes at my throat with a cheese grater but I don't want to be stuck indoors on a Friday night.
My main motivation? To annoy the boyfriend.

We haven't seen each other in two weeks and the original plan was to spend today chilling out together (either going out or staying in...we'd sort that out in a spontaneous and groovy kind of way). This was the plan at the start of the week...
Now, however, he has abruptly changed things and is going out with his friends down the pub instead. I got a phone call saying "Oh, you can come if you fancy."
I AM NOT A HAPPY WOMAN RIGHT NOW!

So, yeah, I am going out...his friends invited me out to some pub next door to the one he's going to be at. Two can play that fucking game.
It annoys me so much when he does this yet, when I bring it up, he never sorts it out.




I think I'm a little hormonal right now.

I MISS HIM!!!!

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I MISS HIM GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!

It's only been two weeks...I'm pathetic.
Shutting myself away from the world to do uni work never used to be this difficult.

Anyway, the plan I posted a couple of days ago was never followed (as is the fashion with me).
I did manage to get my analysis for Children's lit over and done with although I think I'm in shit because I couldn't find ANYTHING in terms of secondary material to back up what I had found. Bollocks.

Two people have finally gotten back to me about email interviews for my Business of Writing class, so I was practically skipping when I saw my inbox last night. One is with Laura Godman, Cliterature editor of Scarlet magazine, and the other is this guy called James who works for a company that aims to "bring back the short story in all its glory!"
I'm excited about the answers from Laura...Scarlet is my favourite magazine and I slipped some questions in that aren't to do with my work but what I really want to know.
James' answers will be awesome as well I'm hoping, considering he can help me get to the root of my essay question and he just seems really friendly.
So I can write those two into my portfolio that I plan to hand in later today and via the Clegg's damn Internet submission thing then crack on with Leone's homework.
Tomorrow I have a tutorial with the Clegg, which should only take 5/10 minutes, then I'm off with Manda and whoever else can make it to TGIF for a drink and hopefully some lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I'm so sick of how hungry my new pill is making me.
You wouldn't think of it to look at me, but I actually don't eat that much and I'm pretty healthy with my choices most of the time (apart from when my Mister is around. He seems to have a phobia of green leafy stuff). I've had to buy in loads of things to snack on when the hunger starts to make me feel sick.
That's been about the only think driving me mad with it so far though, so touch wood I'll be able to stay on it without going nuts like the last time. I don't want to be a crying, shouting, bleeding, untouchable mess again. It's been a week and none of that has happened yet.

Blah.
I need to get back to my work.